I was raped. I've never written that before. 21 years ago, days after my 16th birthday. I went to a pub with a friend and people I didn't really know, and got drunk. Stupidly drunk. My friend was pissed off with me and had enough, left me to it. Another 'friend', a 28yo security guard of a place we frequented, offered to look after me until I sobered up.
I remember him helping me onto a bus, then falling asleep. I then remember waking as he helped/carried me off the bus, and upstairs into a flat. He showed me to a bedroom, where I fell into a bed, fully clothed, including boots and leather jacket. He helped me out of my jacket and boots, then kissed me. I remember kissing him back, but feeling sick, so I lay down and went to sleep.
I don't know how much later it was, but when I woke, it was dark, and I was naked from the waist down. He was inside me and kissing me. I tried to push him off, I said no, and I told him he was hurting me, but he ignored me. My 8 stone body wasn't equipped to push off his 14 stone weight, so eventually I gave up. I let him finish while I cried silently. How could I protest anyway? I had climbed into his bed, kissed him.
All I could think was "stupid bitch, why did you get drunk? You kissed him back, he is good looking, why are you upset about this, you deserved it".
After he was finished, he got up, pulled on his jeans and asked me if I wanted chicken nuggets. I'll never forget that. I said no, and asked him how I could get home. He gave me £1.40 and told me to get a bus.
I left his flat and went to the main road. I asked a group of girls what bus to get to the city centre and what side of the road to catch it on. They looked at me strangely. But they told me and I made my way to my friend's house. It all happened in about six hours. My life changed in six hours.
When I got to my friend's house, I told her and another friend what had happened to me. They were incredulous, unable to believe that 'george' had done that to me. They tried to ge sympathetic but I could see the blame in their eyes.
It was confirmed a few days later, when I got a call asking me to meet my friend at the local shopping centre. I thought she sounded funny but couldn't place why. When I got there, three girls, friends of 'George' were waiting for me. They dragged me into the public toilets and beat the shit out of me. Punched and kicked me, pulled my hair, spat on me, and scratched my face and arms. Threatened me that if I ever accused George of raping me id have worse to come.
I never did accuse him. I've once come across him on the door of a macdonalds one night, after I'd been at a club, many years after my experience. I turned and ran like hell.
Now, I've managed to live my life. I'm married, with four beautiful dcs, but I've never gotten over what happened to me. My poor DH suffers when I freeze if he touches me a certain way, or doesn't give me forewarning that he's going to approach me. Sometimes I just can't have sex, no matter how much I want to. I have terrible dreams and flashbacks to that time, and cry and shout in my sleep.
I do wish I could have had the courage to report him, but I keep asking, would it have been worth it, or would I have been dragged through the dirt, and made to feel like a drunken slut. God knows I've spent long enough feeling like one myself.
Now, I can't even remember his last name. I'm a grown woman, and the memories he has left me with still have the capability to le and me feeling like the dirty powerless 16yo I was then.
I resent how it's left me, and I often wonder if there would be any point in trying to make a report now, but sadly I doubt it.
Has anyone ever made an historical report? Was it worth it or did it just drag up old hurt for no reason?