Hi,
I am new here and hoping I can be massively cheeky and ask for advice on something that I can't talk about with any of my family and friends. Feel like writing it down and getting it out might help.
Have been married for over three years, with one gorgeous child and, on the surface, a very happy life. However, the thing that I never admit to people is that fairly early on in my relationship I discovered that my now husband had a penchant for some fairly explicit porn. He used to secretly download stuff and I happened upon it one day. Anyway, he has always had issues with impotence (perhaps you are starting to see why I am not brave enough to admit this to my friends) and it started to become pretty clear to me that his erection issues were tied to a long-standing problem with porn. I like to think I am not a prude but when I saw some of the stuff he was looking at it turned my stomach a bit.
Anyway, I was a pretty supportive gf, suggested he go for counselling (which he did, briefly) and I thought things were better. I stupidly thought things were 'fixed'.
Fast forward a couple of years, he asks me to marry him and I say yes. Just before the wedding I discovered that he was still looking at porn, quite often, in the home that we by then shared. There was also another weird trust issue with a girl from his work that he was constantly messaging and lying to me about.
I did have some conflict about whether to go ahead, but again he talked me round and I felt that he was willing to work on things. So we got married and have been mostly very happy except that every so often I discover that he is STILL looking at porn. And every time I have stupidly believed him when he says he is sorry and will stop. He agreed to put measures in place like a content filter on our wifi, I honestly thought/hoped it wasn't a problem any more. I was also busy with a new baby and part of me just thought it was one of those things I might just have to accept and put u with.
This morning I found out yet again that he is looking at vile porn on his phone (I think this is probably the 6th or 7th time I have found out he is still doing it, every other time I have let it go).
So my question is, what should I do? Leave him? Chuck him out? Make some practical suggestions to actually help him?
He is a wonderful Dad and a really great husBand in so many ways but I honestly don't feel like I trust him any more and feel like (as much as I have tried to tell myself it isn't about me) it has totally eroded my confidence and in my post-baby hormonal months I have honestly never fet so ugly in all of my life (this is I think the 3rd time he has 'fallen off the wagon' since our child as born).
I am sitting here crying my eyes out wondering what the hell I do next. This time seems to feel different somehow, I am kidding myself if I think he is just going to stop.
He is now promising he will sell his phone and get counselling, I can't decide if this is all too little too late.
Part of me is outraged and telling myself I deserve better, but then there is this other voice in my head telling me I am making too much of a fuss and that I am lucky to have such a good life. Honestly don't know what to do.