10 year old ds has slightly unnerving 'sex thoughts'. What do I tell him?

[TheWitchesofIzalith]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this thread, but I didn't know where else to put it!

Ds will be 11 in three months. Background situation (which may or may not be relevant) is that his dad and I separated when he was 5, ds lives with me but spends most weekends with his dad. They get on well and are close, though ds tends to prefer to confide in me about 'stuff' rather than his dad.
I've always open and relaxed about any questions from him regarding sex, I take the view that if they are old enough to ask a question, they are old enough to have an honest answer, albeit I don't go overboard; I just give enough info to answer the question. I'm just a bit stumped about this recent development.
DS tells me practically everything he thinks about, he's a chatterbox and it's just his way. Recently, we've had more questions and thoughts about sex and his body, all natural and normal at his age. I have told him this.

He recently got a bit tearful and told me that he has 'random' thoughts about 'doing sex stuff' with me. Or me 'doing sex stuff' with people we've met, or even himself 'doing sex stuff' with our cats .
Examples: Man came to the house to collect an item he'd bought from me from Ebay, ds is in the room as we chat. After the man went, ds informs me that he had a 'sex thought' about me and this man having sex.
Pet cat comes in, makes the usual fuss of ds, ds returns the fuss, then tells me he thought about 'licking the cat's butt'.

He tells me that he thinks about licking my fanjo (my word, not his!) , or touching me 'down there' as he puts it. He says its the words that just pop into his head rather than an actual vision of any sexual act. So he might suddenly think 'lick mums willy' as a sentence, but not the image of actually doing it. He is getting quite upset that he has these thoughts about me, and the cats, and sometimes his friends. And every time he has one, he worries about it until he can tell me about it. So I am hearing about them A LOT just now! When he tells me the 'sex thought' I can see him trying not to cry, bless him.

I have played it down, and said that it 's nothing to worry about, that it's totally normal to start thinking a bit more about sex at his age, it's just his body and mind getting ready to grow into a teenager and an adult, etc etc. But i reality I am a bit unsettled by these thoughts, as I don''t really know if it IS normal? I don't recall ever thinking this type of stuff myself as a child. I am also hating seeig him being upset about them, I feel even though I tell him they are normal and not to worry, I'm somehow not helping.

We are also quite open about being naked in front of each other, he hasn't yet become embarrassed being naked around me, and I still wander in from the bathroom with nothing on, as I have always done since before he was born. These thoughts don't seem to be connected with that, as they seem to happen out of the blue at any time, whether I'm naked or not...but I'm wondering if I should stop letting him see me naked, and curtail the bed-sharing (he likes to sleep in with me a few nights a week). But I don't want to give the impression I'm doing it because his thoughts are 'wrong'.

I am assuming it's just a phase that he will grow out of, but I hate to see him getting upset about them, and I just don't know what to say to reassure him. I don't really want to ask friends or family if their children mentioned anything similar, as I feel it's too private to ask people we actually know.
Any thoughts?

Thank you so much, everyone, for sharing your stories and advice. I really do feel a bit like a weight has been lifted off me somewhat by posting here and reading all the replies. I didn't realise quite how much I was subconsciously worrying about it, I guess.

orangina your PM was amazingly helpful, thank you so much. I will be sending a reply. As you suggested I did read parts of it to my DS. jaxxyj thanks for the link, I will definitely check that out as I have no illusions about the chances of getting the right help under the NHS, I know from my own experience with chronic anxiety that they can rarely offer what's really needed because, like every part of the NHS, MH is very stretched.
As a general update I have shared some of the experiences from this thread with DS, who is already feeling much better just knowing he isn't the only child to feel like this.

He's actually opened up more about it and told me he has urges to 'do things to himself' whilst counting to 7. Not as serious as self-harming but things like trying to look at the sun whilst counting to 7 or keeping his eyes open under the shower spray whilst counting....things like that.
He hasn't been exposed to porn, and he hasn't had anything particularly traumatic happen in his young life, apart from his dad and I separating when he was five. It wasn't a particularly fiery separation, but there were sometimes arguments which we tried desperately to not let him hear. And unfortunately I suffered a bout of clinical depression when his dad left, which meant DS had to stay with his dad for 3 weeks. DS hated that, and I hated myself for being too weak-willed to look after him, although I realised when I was better that blaming myself was not fair. I guess I'm saying it's likely that having your parents separate leaves some sort of mark on you, even in the most amicable of situations (which ours wasn't, at the time).
I sometimes wonder if I have 'caused' DS to be anxious. Is it my fault because I have had an anxiety disorder for years? Have I passed something on to him genetically, or have I brought him up to just 'be' anxious?
I don't think I've done anything majorly wrong in his upbringing...my anxiety only occurs in situations that DS wouldn't usually see me in anyway, and I've tried very hard to not convey the idea that any particular situation is 'anxiety-inducing'...but he knows that I do have a problem with anxiety, I have had to explain why I take regular medication, as this makes me very tired sometimes which obviously he notices.
I do blame myself.

You've had some great replies already. My 16 yo dd is plagued by intrusive thoughts, some similar in nature to your ds. They tend to cycle and change so he might find they take a new form at different times.

Sadly for her we have struggled to get appropriate MH support including CAMHS so I think you're right to feel the NHS may not offer the help you need.

Dd was in some respects misdiagnosed and this has meant treatment has been delayed. I think that user146 is spot on in the importance of early treatment.

How fantastic that your ds can be so open, well done for that.

My friends DD started this at same age. She should even text her mum in middle of night from sleepovers as couldn't get the intrusive thoughts form her head about sexual contact with friends.

She chose to keep saying "it's perfectly normal to think like that" as a response. It seemed to bother her DD more that she thought it unusual than having the thoughts iyswim?

She also noticed through googling that it's often linked to ADHD and OCD. Her DD certainly shows traits of both. She won't seek help for her though

I'd recommend you going to GP alone for a consultation under your DS name and ask for a referral to Camhs. They'll offer an appointment and be able to make suggestions on ways to support your DS.

Like other PPs have said I think you're dealing with intrusive thoughts.

I've had them since I can remember, as well as thoughts that bring on tears, fear or revulsion.

I had sex ones too or at least of a sexual nature from around 6? Not sure why as was exposed to nothing of that nature.

I take Sertraline now which as well as an anti-D (I have depression too) it works for OCD. If I've lowered it, it tends to bring back worse intrusive thoughts and it scares me so I stick to my usual dose now.

I still have thoughts but not as bad i.e writing on a piece of paper in my head the words being sung in a song, repetitively counting when rocking the baby but in beats of four.

It's odd as I'm not a neat person which is what people often expect with OCD.

I definetely agree with GP.

Glad your son feels a little reassured.

Please don't even think of blaming yourself! As a mental health worker and someone who has had mental health issues in the past I can tell you that even mental health professionals don't know and argue about why they occur. The point is that with the right support and love (which you seem to have bags of) mental health recovery is possible.

Hi there
I know this post is super old, but I'm going through this with my daughter
Can I ask what the GP done to help ? Also someone DMd you with info and id love to receive the same if it helped
Thanks

I’ve been frantically googling trying to find answers and I stumbled across this post and it’s almost like I could’ve written it myself! I am going through EXACTLY the same thing with son currently! And it’s been very overwhelming for all of us, we have been doing the same type of reassurance as you have been doing, we are currently waiting to get him into therapy! But what I want to know now, considering this is quite a few years ago… how did all of this pan out! Did your son level out or did it continue?