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Original poster

Housemates pregnant

17 replies

Noralaw1995 · 07/04/2016 10:21

I'm currently living with my best friend who is 26, and has just started a new job in retail. She was having casual sex with a guy but stopped after a few weeks. At the time he had a long term girlfriend though he says he's aboit to break up with her. He smokes weed daily and regularly takes coke, and possibly other substances. He has a very low income in a job with no possibilities, and evidently has very little respect for women. My housemate upon finding out she was pregnant decided to keep it from him as she didn't want him in her life, but as always things get out and he now knows, and wants to be involved and to quote him "play happy families" with her. When she first found out, she asked if I would help her, getting a bigger flat together (I earn a decent wage) and to raise the child together as her family aren't supportive. However the father doesn't want me to have any involvement as he "doesn't think I like him" which is correct, but I have always been nice to him, just (I think understandably) I wouldn't want a adulterer and person that does hard drugs (the Coke) around my children should I have any. I want the best for my friend and her child, so am wondering what I'm supposed to do in this situation, as he wants me out of the picture, thus causing friction and possibly creating a toxic environment for the child once she/he is here. My friend wants to belive him, and says that she'd rather lose him than me, but he's the father of her child, so obviously I could never allow that choice to have to be made, I jist want the best for them, only haven't a clue what that is...

OP posts:

Booboostwo · 07/04/2016 11:16

Wow what a difficult situation!

Living with your friend and helping her bring up her child is a huge commitment, I don't think she is reasonable to ask you to do this. Helping her with babysitting, even being an 'auntie' to the child is all fine but bringing up a child that is not yours and whose mother you do not have a romantic relationship with is a huge thing to ask. For the sake of the child you'd need to commit long term.

How does she feel about the ex? Is she about to get back together with him? If yes well then it's her life to sort out. If not see what you can do to help her stand on her own two feet but I would be encouraging her to be independent, she should not rely on your full time presence or your income or think you will co-parent.

Original poster

Noralaw1995 · 07/04/2016 12:34

She's been like a sister to me and I said before it was confirmed that she's pregnant that I will support her in what ever way she needs. We made a rough 3 year plan, so we don't go into this completely blind, but decided that it would be ideal to live together for at least the first year as she plans on going back to work, and to help with the childcare costs as it's so expensive, sharing a flat would make things easier, but more importantly for the emotional support over the first year. And after that she would get her own flat to be fully independent.
She doesn't want to have a relationship with him, but wants there to be a male role model in her life, and that's it.
However he wants a relationship, has said he plans on breaking up with his girlfriend of 5 years to be with her though he said this when they were sleeping together with no real intention of doing so.
He also has no intention of stopping any drugs, and thinks it perfectly acceptable to be around his friends children and babies while on them.
My friend wants my view on what she should do, I have no qualms with telling her my opinion, however I don't want to sway her choice because I am bias against him as a person

OP posts:

FuckyNell · 07/04/2016 12:38

ehat about your own life though? What's your three year plan?

Original poster

Noralaw1995 · 07/04/2016 12:58

I have a good career in engineering and plan to stay at the company I'm with atm for the next 5 years before moving to their sister company down the road.
I have a boyfriend who is in the navy, though he's away for a minimum of 3 months at a time and only back for roughly 2 weeks each time.
I won't live with him until we are married (we're both Catholic) which is a good few years down the line.
So we are just saving up to buy a flat with my partner when we're (eventually) married.
So by living with my friend also benefits me as I can save more by staring accommodation, and have the company, as I have lived with her for a few years now it would be strange to live alone.

OP posts:

Booboostwo · 07/04/2016 13:22

The first few years with a child put a strain on even the best romantic relationships. The sleep deprivation, the crying, the endless jobs, etc are a huge challenge. I am sorry to say this but the most likely thing is that you will fall out with your friend.

As for the father, he is the father whether you like it or not. Your friend has to start with the presumption that the child should have contact with his/her father and they should try to come to an amicable arrangement to facilitate this. Your friend should also look at the father's financial responsibilities towards their child. Hopefully the guy will live up to parenthood but if he doesn't then your friend can deal with this depending on how things develop, e.g. supervised contact, no contact.

pinkyredrose · 14/04/2016 09:06

Why is she considering continuing the pregnancy, she'll be linked to this arsehole forever!

UpsiLondoes · 14/04/2016 09:09

He PLANS to break up with his current girflriend?? winner, him.

Pootles2010 · 14/04/2016 09:22

You won't be saving anything if you're helping her with childcare etc. I don't think you get how much disruption a baby brings - this isn't meant as an insult, nobody gets it until they've done it.

This 'man' sounds awful - he's still in another relationship, he thinks its fine to be coked up around kids? Social services will be VERY interested in that... What a prince. I wouldn't want him in my house.

SallyDonovan · 14/04/2016 09:31

I really don't think this plan is a goer. Please really think about this. What would raising a baby with her really mean? On a purely practical level, would you be expected to do an equal level or childcare, night feeds etc? Would you pay for nursery? Would the baby call you mum? What if you and your friend fell out? You would have no rights at all to a baby you had parented since birth.

In addition, in entering into this kind of partnership with her (I've supporting her and the baby), she would lose any benefit provision she would otherwise be entitled to. In effect you would be her partner.

She would be much better off getting herself on council waiting lists as a matter of urgency and junking the plan to live with you. Sorry, but it just won't work.

Pootles2010 · 14/04/2016 09:41

Yes agree with Sally - get her on a list for a little council flat, best all round. It will mean you two have more chance of staying friends, meaning she will keep her best means of support.

You will find another housemate easily, so the you saving money thing is a red herring.

Nibbl3s · 14/04/2016 10:02

Although I feel for her, I think your friend is being extremely selfish.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 21/04/2016 15:47

I think the plan sounds crazy. What if you grow to love the child? Are you fine with her suddenly leaving you when she starts a relationship with someone? Are you fine with having no say about the fathers involvement or any rights to even disagree with how they are handling custody should he decide to play a role (good or bad) in the child's life? Children are not pets, their needs and the needs of their parents are tied together and complex. And children born in broken relationships make for some complicated situations without some weird 'auntie' situation thrown into the mix.

By all means be a good and supportive friend but make no mistake that you are some sort of sub-parent to this child. You are not and would be leaving yourself very vulnerable to being both used and hurt in the worst way possible.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 21/04/2016 15:50

Just to add, you can be an important friend to your friend and play a role in the child's life of course. But your OP sounds....excited? Like you think you are really involved in this situation and might become some sort of parent in this. I apologise if that is not what you are thinking at all. But if it is, what I posted above stands.

NameChange30 · 21/04/2016 16:04

"She doesn't want to have a relationship with him, but wants there to be a male role model in her life, and that's it."

Is she insane?! He's not "male role model" material, he is a hard drug user who has no intention of giving them up! He is also unfaithful and still in a relationship with someone else!

You're not wrong to dislike him. You wouldn't be wrong to tell your friend that you don't think he can or will be a good father or "male role model".

I think she is mad to have a child without having any support from a responsible partner or from her family, but of course it's her choice and it's not impossible to do it alone - it will just be hard.

It sounds like the two of your are very close, which is great, and I don't think it's completely mad to continue living together until you move in with your boyfriend (or each get your own place), but if she is considering seeing the father I don't think that you living together is going to work at all. You won't want him in your home, will you? And he will accuse you of poisoning her against him, preventing him for seeing his child, etc. Realistically I think living together would only work if he didn't come over and if he saw the child elsewhere, ideally at his place (not that I would trust a drug user to look after a baby at his place, but that's her decision).

I also advise you to be careful about supporting her financially, especially as you're saving up to buy a property. Don't move somewhere bigger unless you can afford it and actually want to. If your friend is worried about finances she could talk to CAB about the benefits she will be entitled to as a single mum (child benefit, child tax credit, and if/when she goes back to work, working tax credit which will cover 70% of childcare costs).

NameChange30 · 21/04/2016 16:10

the two of you
preventing him from

MrsMarsch · 26/05/2016 15:36

Do you know what OP? I'm going to go against the grain and say that I think you and your friend could totally make it work! Firstly you need to have an honest conversation with her and explain your concerns about him but you're ultimately letting her make her own choices. You both need to agree 'roles' in terms of the baby, night feeds, childcare, cleaning and house maintenance rota etc but I lived with my bestie for a year and we often talked about the 'what ifs' of one of us getting pregnant. It's not ideal but why shouldn't this baby have a fantastic auntie for a role model!? As for the dick who suggested a termination, just ignore it. Honesty with your friend and clearly defined goals will help you through. Xxx

SpidersFromMars · 26/05/2016 16:29

"She does not want to be in a relationship with him" - then she shouldn't be. That's not fair on the baby or her.

If they do split, and she goes through with the pregnancy and becomes a single mother, that's the point at which you living with her and the baby could make sense.

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