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Original poster

If you were pregnant by a mm?

47 replies

Mummystar123 · 22/12/2015 11:40

So the background.....
Met him online on a dating site, we started seeing each other, this was my first time dating since I split with hubby almost 2 years ago. He was a single dad with 3 kids that he co- parented around his work hours.
He had a job working for a medical production company and was a manager so his long hours etc didn't seem too unusual.
After a month he confessed that he still lived with his girlfriend even though they were separated. I was upset that he had lied but could relate to this as me and ex had to remain living together for a while after split as we couldn't afford not to.
We carried on seeing each other and eventually he said he loved me. I was falling hard for him too but kept my distance for a bit as I was scared of getting hurt ( don't know what it was but something I couldn't put my finger on).
I told him I loved him too and we went away for a lovely weekend together in the countryside. I realised I was crazy about him. Then came the pain!! He was still in a relationship with his girlfriend and living as a family. I was so devastated. He text and called me over and over but I ignored him to begin with and then agreed to meet for coffee. I'm not proud to say that we carried on the affair for another 4 months. I feel so awful for what I have done.
I was taking the mini pill and then switched to the combined pill.
2 weeks ago I discovered I was pregnant- he then confessed that his missus had gotten pregnant twice on the pill but didn't think it was relevant to tell me.
I would never have relied on just the pill and would have made him wear condoms too if I had known this.
He want me to have a termination but he knows that I cod never do tht, we spoke in the beginning about my views on termination and I told him then I would never do it.
Now he is saying I need to fix this, it's my fault his life will be over and he will lose everything. I know I've been incredibly stupid but I was in so deep. I feel terrible for his girlfriend and kids but I know in my heart I could never get over it if I had a termination.
I need some support. I feel like a complete a hole and I know I am but please someone give me advice.
Tia.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummystar123 · 22/12/2015 14:02

Thanks

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 22/12/2015 15:32

There is Nothing Wrong wIth advocating abortion on any thread. It should not be a taboo.. The op has posted in wwyd so obviously some people will respond that they would terminate the pregnancy. I think lea makes valid points in this particular case. The op asked for opinions not cuddles.

maybebabybee · 22/12/2015 15:46

There is Nothing Wrong wIth advocating abortion on any thread.

Um, there is when the OP has specifically already stated she will not consider a termination.

I am completely pro-choice, but comments like Lea's are massively unhelpful.

BishopBrennansArse · 22/12/2015 16:03

Eve I have reported to that effect.
Also the sockie.

EvaBING · 22/12/2015 16:33

Mouldycheesefan - there is everything wrong with it when

A: the OP has specifically unequivocally stated that it is not something that she will consider and

B: when it is presented as a means to eliminate 'dysfunction'.

LeaLeander · 22/12/2015 16:43

Be honest: I also have suggested adoption as an alternative.

And yes, refraining from reproducing by whatever means - abstinence, contraception, abortion - when one is in or headed for a dysfunctional situation - is wise both for oneself and for the benefit of the larger society. That's just common sense. It's immoral to reproduce willy-nilly with no proper planning & no thought to the effect on the eventual children or on one's fellow citizens.

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 22/12/2015 16:44

Termination isn't right for you. Fair enough.

The mm is still this baby's father, so try to plan how you will deal with it in the unlikely event he wants to be involved.

Think about what, if anything, you will do about finances.

Other than that, in the words of Frozen, People make bad choices if they are sad or scared or stressed. Don't beat yourself up for the past. Just focus on moving forward.

What a lovely man your ex sounds. Smile

Sameshitdiffname · 22/12/2015 16:49

I excepted to see an actual scientific report/article/journal linked.

Rather silly of me

LeaLeander · 22/12/2015 16:53

That's what they are, sameshit, unless you think studies conducted by MIT and the University of Michigan and the like are not "actual scientific reports." There are plenty more where that came from, too. I know sometimes people are thrust into adverse circumstances beyond their control but to actively choose proven adverse circumstances for one's offspring is just baffling to me.

Sameshitdiffname · 22/12/2015 16:57

They're all US studies based on working class families for a start.

Secondly the MIT one is based on economics - earnings etc rather than actual behavioural Impacts.

LeaLeander · 22/12/2015 17:07

I should think a boy's potential to earn a livelihood and be a self-supporting, non-criminal, educated and productive member of society was of concern.

SanityClause · 22/12/2015 17:12

Lea, you've made your point. If you want to debate these issues, perhaps you could start a thread.

Arguing about statistical outcomes on a thread where a real person may need support is in pretty poor taste.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 22/12/2015 17:25

Not to worry LL, I'm sure if she does raise the child and it's a boy (just boys?), she'll try to raise him to have a job and not be a criminal.

Sameshitdiffname · 22/12/2015 17:52

Lea I guess no criminals have both parents then?

OP if termination isn't for you certainly don't feel pressured into its your body your choice please don't expect this man to change though he certainly won't!

BishopBrennansArse · 22/12/2015 18:44

Without wishing to sound like I'm being Thread Police could we not let a poster with an agenda derail a thread posted by someone feeling vulnerable?

OP you must do what you think is best.

Marilynsbigsister · 22/12/2015 20:26

OP, Ignore all the squabbling. Whilst there are some very valid points being made, your thread is not the place to discuss them.

Whilst I can understand entirely how you have been sucked in to this relationship (my own second, long and very happy marriage is as a result of an affair for both of us - so I am the very last to judge you in this regard) I think you will have a very hard time separating emotionally if you continue with the pregnancy. I know that a part of you will be hoping - against all indications to the contrary- that he will leave his girlfriend and finally be all yours - but the chances in reality are actually very slim. A very old study by master and Johnson into extra marital infidelity still holds true today if most of the relationship threads on here are to be believed. There are two types of adulterer. One who has an affair because of genuine long standing issues in the primary relationship. The affair offers means of escape. This happens fairly quickly usually within the first year. (For us it was just under 6 months ) the second type of adultery is opportunistic , there is no particular problem in the primary relationship at least not enough to make him want to leave. He has other sexual partners because he can, he wants to and enjoys the thrill. Sadly when the chips are down, this man will run home, pull up the drawbridge and 'blame' you to his partner. They will provide a united front against your attempt to 'destroy' their relationship - often seeming to ignore the fact that the spouse was integral in the betrayal. It not right, it's not fair. It is what you should imagine in your mind when you think about a future with him, even just as a father for your child. If you can accept that he will in all likelihood be hostile both to you and your child for the next twenty plus years, then by all means go for it.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 22/12/2015 20:39

He is a liar and a cheat. You were happy enough with that at the time.

If I were you I'd terminate, but as this is clearly not an option for you then prepare yourself for life as a single parent to this child, with little to no contact or financial contribution from him.

And perhaps look into some counselling re your poor choices, and read up on different methods of contraception, their failure rates and methods of doubling up to ensure this doesn't happen again.

MajesticWhine · 23/12/2015 00:37

You don't have to terminate if you don't want and this man should take joint responsibility and at the very least make a financial contribution. I would have thought he is in a pretty poor position to refuse.

Original poster
Mummystar123 · 25/12/2015 13:49

Be told him it's over, he said he doesn't want us to be and he loves me etc, I can't see any way that's cancontinue to see him. Neither myself or his girlfriend deserve this.
I will keep the baby and plan to have it on my own, he can be involve or not, but I think planning to be on my own is the bet way I can plan. I've only just given away all my baby equipment so I'm a bit gutte I'll need to buy again but I'll work the charity shops and nct sales. My other children don't need to know for the min and I'll let my friends and family know once I hit 12 weeks. Thanks for all of your kind messages and for the constructive criticism too. I needed to hear both to get my head back straight.

OP posts:
jessicaNgeorge · 09/01/2016 05:45

You need to think about what is best for you and the baby.
His opinion comes last.
I was in a similar position once,
I kept the baby,
It's not easy but it was the right thing to do (in my case).
It can be done x

TeapotTam · 11/01/2016 17:25

Lea has most definitely not got a point. Planned and wanted babies lives can go to shit and single mums can give their kids a great life. You will do great OP, we all make mistakes. Give him the chance to be a dad but whatever you do, do not get back with him. I think you should distance yourself from him at the moment and get a clear head. Your ex is being amazingly supportive!

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