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Original poster

Partner not invited

40 replies

xxemma87xx · 21/12/2015 08:15

My parents won't invite my partner of 8 years to Christmas dinner this year, they only want me there. They're not happy that last year an older member of my family said something slightly racist and my partner said 'that was racist'. He wasn't rude about it, he called them out on it and made it in to a bit of a joke so they didn't offend them as it was their first time meeting. I'm really upset that it's come to this, and I've made the decision to spend Christmas with my partner. It's really annoyed me as he's not upset or annoyed in the slightest, my partners just accepted it like its normal. He's helped pick out my families gifts and everything this year. What would you do?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2015 12:23

Amazed that everyone is agreeing that the OP's partner is in the right. He might be. He also might not be. We just don't know. And won't, without more information.

Lweji · 21/12/2015 12:24

I find it interesting that some people are blaming the man here, assuming that the other people present would have challenged the racism in the comment. Even on a side chat.
Clearly they wouldn't and didn't and haven't ever in the past. Not only that as they are prepared to outcast someone else for challenging it too.
In your partner's position, they would be people I wouldn't want to socialise with, not frequently. As for yourself, OP, why didn't you support him in his challenge?

Lweji · 21/12/2015 12:25

As for being rude and a twat, surely, it would be the racist person who has these characteristics.

OurBlanche · 21/12/2015 12:42

Both sides, I would think, going on the wording of the OP!

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2015 12:50

It depends.

If he publicly challenged a 98 great great grandma who used the word "coloured", then he is rude and a twat.

If he publicly challenged anyone who said that niggers should be shot, then he isn't.

toastedbeagle · 21/12/2015 12:59

Both my grandparents had rather racist views, some of which were understandable (dislike of Germans / Italians after a stint in a WW2 camp for example) and some of which were completely wrong (my grandmother not allowing non-White carers to sit on her sofa etc). I challenged what I could but in the end it only ended with their passing.

I does think the context is important and although it's admirable for your DP to make a stand , maybe Christmas dinner wasn't the appropriate time. Could he apologise for the timing but not the sentiment?

If this happened with my DH of 8 years then I'd be staying with him as you are doing on Christmas Day.

Given the time of year and message of forgiveness, might be the easiest time to make amends if you're upset by it.

DinosaursRoar · 21/12/2015 14:28

The OP didn't challenge the comment, her DP did. So either she didn't think the comment was that bad, or she did, but he jumped in before the OP (a relative of the person making the comment, a more appropriate person to talk to them) had a chance to say anything.

Lweji · 21/12/2015 14:31

There are lots of reasons why people don't challenge racist comments. Most of them around not wanting to rock the boat and not that the comments weren't that bad.

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2015 14:38

There are lots of reasons why people don't challenge racist comments. Most of them around not wanting to rock the boat and not that the comments weren't that bad.

Agreed. But sometimes not rocking the boat is a good plan. Particularly if it means the boat's likely to sink, taking innocent bystanders with it.

Finola1step · 21/12/2015 14:41

I rather like the sound of your DP.

Lweji · 21/12/2015 14:46

It shouldn't sink any boats if the family was not prepared to accept racist comments, though.

Branleuse · 21/12/2015 14:57

im quite happy to pull people up on racist stuff, but I dont think id pull up a new partners elderly family member on it at a christmas gathering. Thats putting her in an awkward position and pretty rude.

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2015 14:57

So challenging 98 year old great grandma using the word "coloured" with no intention to offend should be publicly "called out" over Christmas dinner?

Lweji · 21/12/2015 15:02

We don't know how old this person was.

There are 98 year olds who are quite conscious and amenable to being challenged. (I'm thinking my grandmother at that stage - I'd have no problems challenging her) It does depend on the comment as well. But then, we would need the OP to say more about it.

Ragwort · 21/12/2015 15:19

Has this only just been mentioned four days before Christmas?

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