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Original poster

My partner doesn't want children until we're financially stable - but it might be too late by then

20 replies

CupcakesK · 25/11/2015 22:17

I'm hoping some of you can help me with a problem

I'm 31 yrs old and would quite like to have children in the near future, before it gets too late. However, my partner has gone back to university to do a PhD and so financially we are not in a position to afford to have a child. I've done some calculations and it really isn't possible.

The problem is that I moved in with my partner about 9 months ago and 2 months into that is when he announced he was going to go back to uni, without any thought or discussion of how it would affect us as a couple or our future.

I'm heartbroken - although I don't mind not having kids right now, I definitely wanted them by the time I'm 35 and that is looking very unlikely now. I'm so worried that by the time we're financially able to have kids, it'll be too late for me.

He doesn't seem to want to understand the biological reasons why I don't want to wait and doesn't seem to care about the hurt he's caused.

I don't know what to do - stay with him and try to get over the hurt and resentment, or move on?

Help please!

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 25/11/2015 22:18

Move on. He doesn't have a biological clock, you do.

OhYeahMama · 25/11/2015 22:22

The fact he made a huge decision which affected both your futures and didn't consult you would totally piss me off. Have you asked him why he did that?

Bragadocia · 25/11/2015 22:26

I would be quite concerned that he makes major decisions without talking them over with you. If he isn't considering your needs, maybe it's worth considering whether he's going to be a good partner for you to have children with.

Is there a possibility that he is not actually that bothered about having children? And do you feel utterly certain that he sees the two of you together for the very long term?

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Relationship problems
regenerationfez · 25/11/2015 22:26

He doesn't sound too committed to me. A PhD takes ages to do, then to find a job afterwards. Are you planning on getting married? I might sound old fashioned, but some men don't see living together as a commitment, its just living together. A baby might be more of a commitment than he is willing to make. You need to make sure he isn't just stringing you along with the 'màybe' until its too late, and he can move on.

ImperialBlether · 25/11/2015 22:26

The thing is that when you look at what makes the ideal partner, two things are vital. One is that he supports your needs and doesn't make unilateral decisions on matters which affect you. The other is that you have to be in the same place (mentally and emotionally) at the same time.

He doesn't tick the box on either count. Oh and he has a bad attitude - that would be a real pain in the neck if you lived with him forever.

strawberryandaflake · 25/11/2015 22:27

31 is young! What clock? I'm 36 and expecting, happened first time, very low risk of down's and perfectly healthy. Ignore your hormones, you have time.

outputgap · 25/11/2015 22:28

Um, the 'no thought about how going to do the PhD would affect you as a couple and your future' says that he's not bothered about that future I'm afraid. He's cracking on with the life he wants. You need to do the same.

I don't want to sound like an old granny, but I'm not sure women should shack up with these permanent teenagers before getting a ring on their finger. I feel a bit of Beyonce coming on...

tribpot · 25/11/2015 22:29

It's less the exact numbers involved - you are quite likely still be able to have a child in 5 years, somewhat likely to be able to have one in 10 - and more the complete failure on his part to understand what the word "partnership" means. You aren't in one. You live in the same house but you don't share a life.

Incidentally I assume you had discussed your timescales for wanting children before you moved in?

Time to cut your losses and move on. You have a better chance of having a child by 35 without him than with him.

Curiouserandcuriouser30 · 25/11/2015 22:30

This is a very tricky situation. How long have you been together? It is very odd to make a massive decision like that, without talking about it with your partner. I wouldn't mess around where fertility is concerned, if having children is important to you. Is having kids important to him? Because it is strange that someone clever enough to do a PHD doesn't understand the biological reasons you would want to have children sooner rather than later.

mudandmayhem01 · 25/11/2015 22:30

We had our first baby when my dh was a student nurse. It was hard but I knew our careers would progress. We actually spent less money when we had small children ( everything second hand and not going out much) than we did as as young childless couple. Its older kids and teenagers that cost a fortune!

Original poster
CupcakesK · 25/11/2015 22:39

We've been together for about 3 and half years now. We had discussed having children before we moved in together and we were both agreed that we wanted them in the next few years. But then he decided to go back to uni as that would be best for his career and at the time, he wasn't that committed to the relationship (although I've only found that out now). He has shown more commitment to the relationship in the past couple of months, but I feel quite insecure about it now.

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/11/2015 22:45

Er, WTF? So after 3.5 years, discussing a timetable for children and moving in together he then decided (without telling you) that he wasn't that committed to the relationship? You're not buying this bullshit are you Cupcakes? So he was uncommitted just long enough to make the very large and life-changing decision to go back to uni but now that he's done that and it's irreversible, now he is committed to the relationship. Bull. Shit.

And let me guess, will you be funding your (shared) current lifestyle now that you're living together and he's doing his PhD? Has he moved you in to bank roll his day-to-day expenses?

I completely agree with outputgap.

NameChange30 · 25/11/2015 22:54

Your age and financial situation aren't the biggest problems here. Your PARTNER is. He is not being a good partner AT ALL so he is definitely not father material at the moment! For me, this is the crux of it:
"He doesn't seem to want to understand the biological reasons why I don't want to wait and doesn't seem to care about the hurt he's caused."
It's fundamentally important for partners to care about each other's feelings, and to try and understand the other's point of view, even (and especially) when they don't agree.

You posted in WWYD, so to answer that question, I would leave him. The unilateral decision is in itself a deal breaker, but not caring about your feelings should be the final nail in the coffin.

Honestly, you still have time to meet the right person. I don't want to start a debate about female fertility on here, but even if the "deadline" was looming, it would be wrong to have a child with someone like this.

regenerationfez · 25/11/2015 23:07

So basically, your discussions about having children amounted to him saying ' yeah I'd like some someday' but he wasn't that committed to you? To me that sounds like it had a silent 'but not with you' added onto the end of it. He's suddenly more committed but not enough to discuss his decision to do a PhD or to have children with you? I'd go. You can't meet someone who is willing to commit to you if you are with him.

ImperialBlether · 26/11/2015 10:18

Good question above from tribpot. Are you going to be funding him through his PhD by paying more than your share of rent and bills?

gleam · 26/11/2015 10:28

Does he, in effect, see you as a lodger with benefits?

Why don't you float the idea of you living elsewhere for 8 months or so, purely to advance your career of course. A secondment abroad, perhaps? And, of course, you won't be able to pay any rent to him, because you'll have your own bills to pay.

His reaction might tell you a lot.

SerenityReynolds · 26/11/2015 10:36

Making a massive decision like taking on a PhD without any discussion about its impact on your as a couple (both financially and in terms of future plans), is a big red flag for me. When you're living with someone, you can't just make unilateral decisions that are going to massively impact your partner.

Are you supporting him financially during his studies with paying more bills/rent/food shopping? He sounds thoroughly selfish, and that is not a good trait in a potential father of your children. Move on, don't wait for him to decide when the things that you want are convenient for him to (maybe) get around to.

Lozza1990 · 26/11/2015 10:43

I'm assuming you are paying for everything while he does his PhD? You may well be able to get pregnant straight away by 35, but you may not. If you are desperate for children then you just can't take the risk. You tell him that you want a child NOW and if he doesn't want the same and then you're going to find someone who does. Simple.

Jackie0 · 26/11/2015 10:51

Please tell me you aren't financially supporting a man that you aren't married to and who is stopping you starting your family.
Actually you're not that young, ivf veteran here , I spent literally all my thirties trying to get pregnant and it is too late now .

Owllady · 26/11/2015 10:59

So has he moved you in for the financial support? I would move out tbh :(

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