WWYD - toddler wont settle in childcare

[PopcornPants]

Long story but will try to keep it short. I went back to work part time 3 days a week when DD2 was 9 months old. She went to a CM who I had used previously with DS1 (who is now in year 2 at school). DD2 cried all the time whilst there, wouldn’t have her milk, wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t sleep. After about 6 weeks, CM told me that DD2 would have to leave as was disturbing the other children with constant crying etc and that she would probably settle better in a smaller setting. That was very upsetting but I managed to get some time off work to cover the childcare gap and eventually found another CM who was great. DD2 settled with her almost straightaway, she only minded 3 children. 5 months later this CM got very ill and decided to give up minding. I couldn’t believe my rotten luck. I enquired about a nursery but couldn’t afford it (v v v expensive and wouldn’t be worth me working). I found CM number 3 of the year and so far, its been tears again every morning, tears all day, not sleeping etc and calls almost every week so far there has been a problem needing me or hubby to leave work early to collect earlier. She has a slightly larger set up than previous CM (8 children I think but has assistance) but was the best of the bunch that I saw. DD2 is coming up to 16 months now so I realise that its prime time separation anxiety age but its very stressful going to work knowing she is unhappy all day and I just cannot concentrate properly. Have tried staying with her for a bit there, have tried booking her in for extra days, a whole week, - same result – tears tears and more tears, followed by vomiting sometimes, from all the tears.

My line manager is getting annoyed with all the child related absence I’m having. She’s not said anything bad but I can tell it’s becoming an issue (even though she doesn’t cover my work)and I usually catch up on my work remotely from home so am not leaving things undone.

Should I just throw in the towel at work and resign myself to being an extremely skint SAHM until she starts school? Would I be able to get back into a similar role after taking a 3 year break from the workplace? I think I could do it as can temp for a while but am worried about the break in my CV and the pressure it would put on hubby, having to explain this to future employers etc. His earnings would be ok for us to live on but absolutely no holidays/luxuries at all. We wouldn’t be able to claim tax credits etc either as he’s just over the earnings threshold.

Or should I just persevere with CM3? DD2 has been there just over a month now. The stress on me is phenomenal, I feel like I just can’t catch my breath properly and my heart is racing at 100mph after I’ve dropped off DD2. Not to mention the extra cost of all the extra settling in days paid for. I feel like a crap mum and crap employee and I just can't win no matter what I try. I just want my DD2 to be happy.

Any advice v welcome – I just don’t know what to do from here.

Does your employer offer career breaks?

I think you need to really consider what you could cope with on a day to day basis. Could you live with no 'treats' or holidays and is your DH's job secure enough to mean you could stop working without panicking?

Do bear in mind that it might not necessarily be the case that your DD resists childcare all the way to school age.

Is there any opportunity to freelance in your field to keep your hand in?

would a nursery be more than your income? If not try a nursery perhaps?

Can DH not take on more this responsibility for settling/days off so it's not all on you, it sounds like you're bearing the brunt of the whole thing.

What would you rather do?

And if Nursery would be too much are you eligible for childcare tax credits to make it more affordable?

DH's job is secure but you never know in today's job market what might happen. I've investigated child tax credits etc but he earns too much for us to qualify. I'm in London so nurseries are really really expensive (to give you an idea, my local nursery wanted £545pm for 2 days a week) and no guarantee DD2 would settle in one either. DH also does the pick ups for both DS and DD when I am working - he changed his hours to be able to do this but works much longer days when I am home. We've also trialled him dropping off aswell but still no difference with DD2.

My workplace doesn't offer career breaks for part time staff - not sure if the rules are different for full timers but they don't seem very keen to do this.

I have a nursery place for DD2 for when she's 2 years old already but if I give up the job now, I won't even be able to pay for that so would have to decline it.

I have thought about freelancing or starting up my own business online but at the moment I don't have the mental energy to get things off the ground. Am finding it hard enough to concentrate on work as it is. I would like to stay in my p/t job as although at the moment, I have to consider paying childcare, once she starts school, i'll be much much better off.

Ok, so it's a good starting point that you're clear you'd rather remain in work.

What other childcare options are
open to you? Are there any other childminders you could look into with smaller set ups? Even if they don't have space at the moment could you go on a waiting list?
I know it probably seems like a lifetime away but it's not long until she has a nursery place, does she start on her 2nd birthday or do they have a set intake time eg Sept?
Could you jiggle your and DH's hours and do a nanny share with anyone local to you?

I've looked at other childminders in the area - most of them have a larger set up - assistants, 8+ children, + before/after school children. I have struggled to find anything smaller than the one I have now. Also called up a few nannies but they're about £10 an hour or more so would negate me going to work.

Re: the nursery place, I think it would start shortly after her 2nd birthday but not 100% sure on that.

Family are about 3.5 hours away so unable to help and in-laws are close by but very old and have serious health issues themselves, MIL especially.....possibly only a few more years left in her which is v sad.

Think we're going to have to persevere with current CM and see if she settles a bit more after a few more weeks. Have also made a GP appt for DD2 to rule out any other issues. She's not speaking very much - a few words here and there but is tantrummy because she can't express herself, not sure if this is normal or not as DS1 started speaking very early and had a huge vocab at the same age. DD2 uses gestures/grunting more - even shook her head to say 'no' when I turned into the CM's road today!!!!!

Absolute last resort would be to hand in my notice at this moment in time, but who knows what the next few weeks will bring. I just hate seeing DD2 upset all the time at CM's house.

OP could you take out a loan to tide you over until the free childcare kicks in if you did nursery? At one stage I was paying over £2k a month to nursery which was more than my 4 day week salary as it was an investment in my career, for which I am now grateful.

It might be that you have to consider this if childminder doesn't work out and you do want to remain in work.