WWYD - look after friend's child after school or not?

[eyeslikebutterflies]

My DD is 4, just started reception. One of her friend's mum asked me last week if I could look after her DD after school every Tuesday so she can work. She knows I work a short day on a Tuesday, and that I pick up my DD and DS.

I don't know what to say. Part of me wants to say yes, but equally I'm not that comfortable providing cover for her. What if my kids are ill? And sometimes I need to be flexible with my own work, or take emails/calls etc. But she's not long started back after maternity leave, she's skint and I can see it from her POV: I'm picking my two up anyway and her DD is lovely and no trouble. It's just I would feel so.. responsible.

WWYD? Should I say yes. Or say yes, but for a term until she can find permanent cover? Or no?

do what you feel comfortable with: if that is saying yes until OCt half term to give her time to put some longer term arrangements in place, for example, say so. Or say no, you can't commit to every week but could help out from time to time. Or just say no if you prefer

I wouldn't want to do this. The reason you're off work then is because you want to spend time with your children, not because you want to childmind. Is she prepared to have yours in exchange? That might work.

I wouldn't want to commit to a permanent childcare arrangement.

I'd be happy to help out on emergencies but not as a permanent childcare provider for her. It's to much responsibility and no room for own emergencies work requirements.

I wouldn't commit either - can you just say "I often have to work on a Thursday, so I can't commit to having someone else's child, hope you get something sorted." - this isn't untrue if you do often have to work from home on Thursdays, it's one thing leaving your own DCs to just watch TV quietly while you work, it's another having someone else's.

I too would suggest that you shouldn't offer permanent childcare, but could help from time to time.
As, if you do agree a regular day, before you know it you'll be asked to help out on other days too I imagine.

Uou need to think through all the possibilities. What if she gets a call that afternoon to say her child is sick. Are you expected to cover.

Well, my children behave better when there is another well behaved child about, and I also broadly believe in what comes around goes around. What's the other mum like? I'd be inclined to say you'd be happy to help especially while she's settling in, there might be times it won't work because of your work, why don't you give it a try till half term? Lots of friends do me favours with my kids and my very unpredictable work and I am generous in return with food, alcohol and gifts and will often have unexpected folk at teatime when I do make pick-up. Everyone seems happy and I'm careful to never take favours for granted. Bottles of wine and flowers go along way (as does taking other families' kids swimming early on a saturday morning when my family tends to go!).

I think it sounds ok, if your children are friends, it might be lovely for your DD to have a friend home for tea once a week. As long as you make it clear that if her DD is ill, or if something comes up at work, or if your DD is ill, the arrangement will have to be cancelled for that week, and the other mother leave work to cover.

A friend did this for me, it was a real help for us. We didn't have any kind of conversation about sickness as we are both intelligent people who know that sickness on either side means a change for that week. I have had her Dd on a number of occasions, and when the arrangement ended we took her and her dH out for a slap-up meal.

I think the girls (who'd been to nursery together for a couple of years prior to this) looked after themselves a lot so it wasn't too onerous a task. Both are only children so I think it was a big positive for both of them.

Thanks everyone. I think it's not having any flexibility that worries me the most as I do sometimes have to deal with clients while I'm with the kids (not often, but stuff does crop up and I need to make calls/email) and on occasion might have to go into work. BUT I know it's useful to have a circle of friends to help with childcare and also how hard it is to get after school cover, so I'm not unsympathetic at all.

I think I'll say I'll do it til half-term to see how it goes, but will probably want to do it on an emergency/occasional basis after that, or until she can get something more permanent.

RiverTam - how long did your friend do it for?

Could you possibly agree to do it until half term, but caveat it by making it clear you sometimes have to go into work on a Tuesday and therefore she needs to have a Plan B? Does the school run an after-school club that will allow you to use it on an ad-hoc basis, for instance? (DS's school does- my God, it's invaluable!)

I would say that you're happy to help until xx point in time / half term / whatever, but that even then, you won't be able to guarantee every Tuesday, as you do sometimes have to work yourself, and you and the kids will sometimes have other commitments as well.

And then I would probably make a point of not being able to have her DD (with notice) reasonably quickly into the arrangement, i.e. in the second or third week. And then again a week or two later.

Like you, I would want to help, but also like you, this just wouldn't work for me as a permanent, long-term arrangement, and I would not want to get involved in that.

If she realises that it's not really a viable solution due to you not being able to drop everything every Tuesday for her, she'll probably start to look for an alternative solution.

A friend did this for me on a weekly basis when I attended a university class. It was very, very helpful and kind of her. She said that she was happy to do it when she was anyway picking her DS up because my DD played very nicely with her DS.

When her DS was ill, she let me know that she couldn't do it and I either made some other arrangement or didn't attend class that day. Does your friend have a back-up plan in case there are occasions when you are unable to do it?

If it's your only short day then you will preventing your dd having other friends to tea & friendships do change. I think your solution of committing until half term is a good one.

Random - was that your friend's only short day with her DC? If so, that was very, very good if her.

My friend did it for 2 terms, as I then lost my job so didn't need her to help out, but there was no original end date. I'm her first port of call if she needs help and in fact I'm looking after her Dd one day after school next week.

For one night I'd do it and have in the past for various friends. Helping friends out is a nice thing to do. It also meant for snow days etc I had backup in place as they could help.

I wouldn't on an ongoing basis for someone to go to work. That's what professional, paid childcare is for. Friends are for helping out on 'one offs' or 'occasional days - maybe snow days or broken boiler days or if they have a staggered start at the beginning of Reception, or election days or asbestos days or strike days of INSET days. There's plenty of them to keep all parents busy helping each other out.

I have one day a week when I work from home, purely so that there's one day I can be at the school gate. This is my afternoon with the DC, and the one day they can have friends round to play after school, or we can do other chores like haircuts, etc.

If someone asked me to have their DC on this day every week indefinitely, it would not be convenient for me, though I'd be willing to help on an ad hoc basis.

So no, I wouldn't agree to what she's proposing.

Thanks everyone, your replies have been really helpful - god, I love Mumsnet!