Hi there I really need some help on this one! Any advice will help!
I met my partner when I was 16 (I am now 27 and he's 39) so we've been together 11 years and in 2012 I found out I was pregnant with our son and gave birth in March 2013. It was very hard to have sex whilst pregnant and I felt bad for him but what was to come I was never ready for..
About 4 months after I gave birth I walked in on him at his mothers house in his own old bedroom with his trousers down having a wank to some porn on his phone (he was watching videos). I had caught him half way through and he was so shocked I had walked in out of all people as he thought I was at our flat. I was so mad I threw his phone up the wall! I hate porn unless your a couple who want to use it together which he knows iv always been open for. I have nothing against it if your single but when your in a relationship and supposedly 'in love' etc then why would any man need to look at another woman online or in person if you can have it with the one you love? Now iv always been very open sexually and have never turned him down. I guess I was extremely vulnerable but I truelly thought he was not that type of man and was a true gentleman who had eyes for only me. All these years he's complimented me on my looks, body etc so why would I ever think he would look at this stuff unless with me (which he never suggested). I don't condone violence but I did slap him and walked out back to my flat in bits it completely broke me. After about two weeks I managed to try and talk about it asking the usual questions - is it me? Am I not good enough? Don't I attract you anymore? Etc but he said it was just something he had done for a couple weeks and assured me it wasn't me but we hadn't slept together for a while as I was pregnant etc..
I could never understand over the years why he had 2 email accounts an he is naturally quite a private sensitive man but never thought to question it as it wasn't my business.
Anyway while he was asleep one morning I decided to go onto his phone onto this other email address and my heart broke again in a million pieces.. I saw a email that showed a booking for two hours with a polish girl that he had booked a few weeks before going to Poland on holiday (alone which I wasn't invited for he said he wanted a break alone but thought I couldn't afford it).
I then came a cross several websites, forums, portals that were porn sites and escort sites one which was adultwork.com and have found evidence of his account and the money he has spent looking at glares etc. I then found evidence of messages sent to escorts asking to meet up and asking to go for drinks first etc and booking a hour once. When I asked him he told me it's only happened twice and he didn't think much to it. I feel physically sick and looking at my little boy who is 2 n half makes me so sad n sick. I feel he's betrayed me and the whole of our 11 year relationship has been a lie! Why why why??!! What did I do? He says I wasn't the greatest gf and because I did cheat once when I was very young he still felt hurt and thought 'why not?' The messages I found were sent over a few years - not just over a few months or 1 year but a good 5 years! The last message shows as 2011. What do I do??
I did cheat that once and that was because I was young stupid and wanted attention and he basically didn't bother with me anymore. I know I'm very wrong for doing that and iv had to live with the regret for every day upto this point now. The worst thing is he has thrown loyalty in my face all these years after what I did full well knowing he was doing all this behind my back!! I'm so angry and upset!! He has also been to morocco too alone but iv not seen any evidence of betrayal even though I assume it probably happened there too since he had signed himself upto the world sex guide and looked up Havana. Please help what do I do? He's all iv known and I can't bare to be without him - he's been my worldand iv given my everything to him all my love loyalty etc and I feel my world is crushed. Should I stay or go? Do I forgive? Two wrongs do to make a right though..
Any advice will be very much appreciated. Thanks x