Feeling helpless

[Helpless71]

My other half seems like a million miles away sometimes when they are right next to me. Today I had my first day out since November last year where I got the day to myself and my friends. Tickets were purchased before then for today but somehow I still feel tonight I have left things last minute and am being punished. The other half was buried in their phone when I got in so I snoozed on the lounge next to them till they awoke me going off on one. I am guilty of having a few but as I said the first time this year I have come home after spending a day out with my friends.

The hard part is my other half lost their last parent just last week. It is so sad and all I want to do is hug them till no tomorrow. Its been 11 days since he passed and tonight for the first time in near 15 years together I got hit. Not hard enough to bruise but all the same the intention was horrible to see in their eyes. I feel so lost but all I can see is life with the other half as we have a 7yr old and another on the way.

I feel so stupid now too because I've been too scared to confront the other half about some things they have been up to. I am the more IT savvy person so I set up a way of keeping an eye on what goes on with the usage of the internet in the house. My son has been an angel but I find my other half who is intimate maybe 10 times a year has been too tired for me but spends their time looking at gay porn stories on the internet whenever they seem to get a free night to them self. I could live with this if it were just some fantasy but after tonight its seems like it is just too hard. The problem is I love them too much and can't see life without them. I feel like I have been hit by a brick.

This is a minefield situation. The words ' I got hit' would be a deal breaker for many Mumsnetters and coupled with him snooping around Gay porn sites!
To be honest, with the ten times a year 'we have sex' as well. I think your relationship is reasonably doomed.
It is not really meeting your needs is it? You say you love him but is he making YOU feel loved?
I think a frank, ' out in the open' conversation is needed here. What are you frightened of? The worse is already being imagined by you and making you feel very unhappy and unfulfilled, anyway. Can it get any worse?
Have you got any family, sister etc who can support you?

Ok so your pregnant partner hit you and their using gay porn rather than intimacy with you.
You need to consider the safety of your children with this person. I also think you are wrong to be 'spying' on their internet usage. Doesn't sound as though their is much love and respect in the relationship.

Your partner has just lost his or her parent. You and he or she are expecting another child. You both have an awful lot going on but this is no excuse for being hit.

To be brutally honest, if I had just lost my last parent and my husband/wife (whichever you are) had gone out for a fun day with friends, I would be pretty peeved about it. Why is it that you've not had a day out like this in nearly a year? Does your husband/wife/partner have days out like yours today?

I think your problems are not this specific incident, but what's been going on until now. I think you and he or she need to have a long talk about what you want from your relationship. Looking at porn - you've snooped. How would you feel if he or she snooped on you? Does he or she know your feelings on porn?

Again, hitting is inexcusable. You are owed a massive apology - I hope you sort something out and bear in mind you owe him or her an apology for the snooping too.

There is a lot to unpick.
Hitting you is never acceptable- you need to decide if it's a deal breaker. Can you 100% say your son is safe with them? Did you ask your partner if they were ok with you going out for the day so soon after losing a parent? Snooping is not ok, I understand that it's shit that they're looking at porn instead of having sex but it doesn't make snooping right.