Dad and drink driving

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

So to give a bit of background, my dad's lifestyle of smoking heavily and drinking led to a throat cancer diagnosis a few months ago. It was very advanced. The only possible treatment was drastic- complete removal of voice box and wind pipe. He now has no voice and breathes through a hole in his neck.

I have known for years that he smoked but he has always been very secretive about it and if it was ever mentioned, he became angry and defensive. What I didn't know was how much he was drinking. He's not a 'get really drunk' alcoholic and he's not abusive (actually he's lovely and gentle and kind). But he does drink every single day, often for a large proportion of the day and it is another thing he has been secretive about. I do know that he drives himself to the pub and back every day. I also know that he came to a family party at our house last year, had three beers and three glasses of wine and then drove him and my mum 200 miles home. I had assumed my teetotal mum was driving.
So this suggests to me that he either a) drinks so much that he has an incredibly high tolerance and probably is safe to drive after that much or b) has lost all sense of judgement about whether he is safe to drive. Either way, he shouldn't be driving at all.

Following his diagnosis and treatment, he stopped smoking and improved his nutrition. I believe he reduced his drinking but he does still drink and if I mention it he will become defensive and angry any then end the conversation. He is an alcoholic and as such, I don't believe he can drink moderately.

Now the problem. I am furious that he drives after drinking but I can't do anything because he immediately cuts off from any conversation about it.
But I need to put my foot down about him ever driving my child anywhere. Dd stays with them for weekend sometimes and they stay with us to help out with dd during my current pregnancy. I have told my mum that this is the rule (she and I have a good relationship and have talked at length about his problems) but I need to make absolutely sure that this rule is enforced. She says she will but it seems like a lot of pressure on her to explain it to him if he questions it. Should I approach it with him, knowing that it will cause a dramatic fall out and a lot of anger from him? Frankly, he can either think I'm being unreasonable and overprotective or he can sit down and think about why his beloved daughter might feel this way about him- I don't care. I just need to know that he will never be driving my child anywhere.
Or should I just make it clear to my mum and trust that she will make sure?

So this suggests to me that he either a) drinks so much that he has an incredibly high tolerance and probably is safe to drive after that much

Meant to highlight this.

You haven't tried to help one bit.

I missed this bit earlier.

What exactly are you expecting people to say op? There is only one thing you can do and all the posters have told you the same thing. There's a reason for that.

GuyBrush off course you are upset and frightens. Supporting your parent's as one of them comes to terms with a life changing and limiting illness is hard and scary. You have to and are putting your child's safety first and that's all you can do.
At 200 miles distance you don't know if DF is drinking then driving so options to report are virtually zero.
DM has said she can't stop him driving with your DD in the car so there is your answer. I'm sorry your going through this terrible time.

Anyway to answer your question. It appears that you can't 100% trust either of your parents to respect your wishes and keep your daughter safe. In that case it seems clear that they can't look after her until something drastic changes. It doesn't even require a discussion with your dad if you don't think he will respond well to this. Just tell them. Easier said than done I know.

The only thing you have the power to change is whether he drives your child drunk. Given that he lies about it, and your mother is unwilling or unable to stop him, the only thing you can do is to stop them looking after her and arrange other childcare.

The nature of addiction means that he won't change his behaviour unless he chooses to - I doubt that he has even considered how likely he is to kill your child while driving drunk, let alone any other innocent road users.

It comes across as a little petulant to tell thread posters that they haven't helped one bit. What did you expect - some kind of magical mumsnet wand to overcome your father's habitual lawbreaking?

Will you stop sending your dd to them, unless you are present too? That seems to be the only immediate thing you can do.
You can't "trust your mum" to makes sure he doesn't drive dd, she wasn't able to take control and drive on the 200 mile-occasion, so obviously she can't control this situation.

I give up.
A post about how you know your DF drinks and drives but getting shirty and petulant when told that not saying or doing anything is condoning it?
Well, you might not want to hear this - but by not tackling him, you are condoning it because you know it is happening. You know he is putting his life and the lives not only of your DM and DD at risk, but anyone else on the road or on the pavement. It is a tragedy just waiting to happen.
If you have ever seen a child being hit by a car, going right over that car and then landing head first on the road, then I hope you would not be so cavalier. That little boy died on the road and there was nothing I or anyone else could do to save his life. I sincerely hope you never have to witness anything like this. It was 34 years ago and I can still see the look on his mother's face when she arrived at the scene.

Men like your DF are from that generation that thinks they can do what they like as those rules didn't apply when they were young and think they are in control. They also think needing to drink every day doesn't make them an alcoholic!

I used to work in 'old men' pubs and some would come in, drink for hours every day and then drive home. I would regularly get into trouble for refusing to serve them, (not great customer services apparantly). There may have been the odd anonymous phone call to police etc, but it didn't stop them.
Also the dynamic between your parents seems to be that he is the alpha, manly man and your mum will be passive and not say anything to aggrivate or upset him, especially after his illness.

She has accepted his drinking for all these years and will have normalised it as he is still functional and can handle it. She blindly gets in the car with him and as he's never caused an accident before will not risk upsetting him or making him angry by insisting on driving herself, even with your child in the car.

The ONLY way to be 100% certain of your child not being driven around by an alcoholic is by not allowing unsupervised visits to your parents home.