financially controlling DH or just sensible?

[Doubtfuldaphne]

I am starting to wonder if i'm in a financially abusive marriage.
We've always struggled a bit financially. He knows I'm a spender. He's a saver. As a writer, I don't have a reliable income. When I do have money, I always contribute. He's soon to go self employed and this, I think is a big financial concern..a big risk he's taking.

He said I spend too much on day to day living costs (I don't drive, don't have any fancy clothes, we don't go on days out) but I spent about £20 a day on food. So I have no debit card now. As my bank account got in to problems years ago, I since put the child benefit and child tax credits in to his account. Before, we had those separate. I would use one of his debit cards.

He's barred me going shopping alone for food but as he works long hours I sometimes have to go for ages before he brings the shopping home.
Meanwhile I'm stuck at home with the DC's with no money and nothing to do. Today, we ran out of essentials and there's nothing to cook for dinner. He left his phone behind. He's not back until 8pm.
I know he usually has a stash of money for paying off his credit card in his drawer so I went there for the first time ever..but it's gone.
He's hidden that now.

When I recently got paid for a small job (it was only £50) I still had to pay half for an electrical appliance that broke. Despite me knowing he had about £2000 saved up, which is a lot for us.

I've just had enough of this now. When we go shopping (I rarely go with him now these days) he rushes me and argues with some of the items on the list. There's a horrible atmosphere as soon as we get to a shop.

I just can't live like this. I can't take it. I know the only way around it is to earn more money but there's only so much I can do. We live in the middle of nowhere. I don't drive. We have young DC's and I have a few medical problems which mean I can't be away from home too long.

I just feel so trapped. I'm going to talk to him tonight when he gets back but he's very good at turning things around and always has some sort of argument to counteract whatever I say.

At home, I do everything. I feel so short changed. He does no housework. OK he goes to work so he sees it as my job while he has his. But he complains how tired he is, yet I'm up until much later cleaning up and looking after the DC's, whatever else ...and I'm up before him. He even has the nerve to have a go at me if something's not right. I'll never forget the time I had my family round for a birthday party and he made a point of cleaning out the fridge while they were all here and complaining loudly that it was disgusting. Like he was trying to shame me.
I feel like a slave really!

What can you wise Mnetters recommend?

I think the idea of meal planning together and an online shop is a good one. It saves us so much money since we started doing it, and frees up time at the weekend/evenings from having to all traipse round the supermarket. We did a similar "allowance" thing when I was on mat leave. Half for top ups, half for my own spending - I would get in out in cash on a Monday and use 2 separate wallets, that way you can see at a glance how much you have left for the week. Sitting down and working out your incomings/outgoings in fine detail will help you set your budget together.

It sounds like your DH has some justification for being a bit wary about your spending, but he has maybe gone a little too far the other way! Maybe check out some of the money/debt threads on here which might help you identify things you can work on improving about your spending habits?

I do feel a little divided here.. You need to take control.

How do you not spend any money on the children during the holidays?

It seems like he see's you as irresponsible..You see yourself as irresponsible..

It seems a role you have both adapted fr yourself..

I find it hard to understand why you don't even have a packet of pasta in sauce to feed your kids.

You need to meal plan..that way you are not waiting for someone to come from school.

Ok I'll admit there was food here but not the food I wanted. I'm ready for a flaming! The main thing was we had no milk and dd loves her milk and I couldn't just go out and get it.
I'm not that irresponsible, I always contribute when I can and I don't go on shopping sprees. I never go away, don't even get to do days out.
If I have a bit of money I like to get make up if running low or a new dress from primark and the rest goes in to the bank.
He sees me as massively irresponsible. He hates that I spend that bit of money on myself but he doesn't. He could. But he won't!

Maybe he can't spend that little bit on himself because he is responsible and is providing for his family entirely on his own.
His responsibility is to provide for his family, you had what you needed to feed your children but made this thread saying you had nothing.

For God sake, meal planning and sensible spending.

With a set amount available of, eg £150 per week, you should have plenty to cover food and small household expenses without going into territory where he could accuse you of frittering away all the money (and, unless the pips truly are squeaking, he is being unreasonable by begrudging you a few quid worth of make up or an inexpensive item of clothing.) Similarly, you then only have yourself to blame if, on a normal week with no unexpected necessary expenses, you run out of milk or bread and don't even have the coins on hand to grab a litre from the corner shop.

As others have said, if you don't even get the opportunity to manage that sort of budget, you're never going to learn to be responsible.

My ex really was truly fucking stupid with money and I stopped having my salary paid into the joint account so I could maintain some control and make sure some bills were paid before stupid amounts of money were spent on Folio Society books and taxi fares for a journey with bloody good public transport links and things that cost £££ but didn't work properly but were replaced without being returned.... Insisting he handed over all of his own earnings and not even giving him an allowance would have been ridiculous, though.

Ffs catmilk she is providing - how much childcare do you think he'd have to pay if she got run over by a bus?

I meant to say he was the sole financial provider.
I don't know how much would he have to pay? Do you know?

are you asking home much ops life is worth? I'm leaving this thread now.

Both, I suppose, but your relationship doesn't sound great - he sounds more like your dad...

Brock - WTF?!

This is financial abuse of the worst order.

OP - time you took back control. What happened to you to agree to live like this?

What kind of man leaves his "loved one" and DCs at home without any means of being able to buy food ffs

Sorry this feels even more like a miserable life...

So you have no money to go anywhere or do anything..No money to get even I pint of milk.

He might of dug you out of debt but that doesn't entitle you to no existence at all.. Holidays are all good but there are another 51 weeks of the year..How is he with clothes for the children because obviously they actually grow out of there?

What do you do for fun while he is out? how old are your children... I know you said they were young not sure of age.

The realtionship seems very unbalanced

Do you have online access to the bank accounts so you can see how much money there is and what it is spent on?

So you rarely contribute financially but then want to spend some on yourself when you do? I get that you're at home bringing up his kids but it really can't be a case of when you bring a little in its just yours!! If you can spare that money when it comes in, why not make it family treat money?? Or if you and DH regularly go without, make it couple treat money.

You do a food shop (albeit not amicambly) and then want to spend 20 a day on food on top??

I think this depends on a number of factors.
Mainly whether your husband is being mean with money for the sake of being mean? Or whether he's being sensible with money and in the process keeping too tight a hold of the purse strings??

I had a similar situation with my husband, albeit without children being involved. It is very hard when there is very little disposable income. After we split up it took me a year of being wasteful with money to catch myself on.