Family fallout - help.needed please

[Remy24]

I have had a major fallout with my mother as she hates my husband. She is obsessed with his every move and constantly slags him off to me and the rest of the family. I have hidden her hatred of him for years but it has recently come to light when he was upset that he didn't receive a birthday card from my family. He now knows the majority of what I have been putting up with. The problem is that I love my mum so much but she is causing so much upset.

My first husband committed suicide and my now husband lost his wife to cancer and he was left with two children (7 months and 2 years). I have a teenage daughter from my first marriage. It has not been easy blending our families together but we have tried our best whilst both having depression and we are at a point now where it works for us and we have quite a harmonious home. However, this current situation (and there have been many fallouts) before this is causing my husband to feel like **. I have already lost one husband to depression and it is worrying me that my mum's (families) behaviour could send him over the edge.

My mother wanted to come round yesterday to row with my husband and I told her to stay away. She told me to off and put the phone down on me.

My husband has done nothing wrong and has helped my family wherever he can. As far as I am concerned he hasn't done anything wrong. he provides for myself and 'our' 3 children as well as four dogs. We work well together.

I have made the decision to have a break from the negativity and now the rest of my family have turned against me.

I am so hurt it's unbelievable and I don't know what to do. Do I call it a day with my family even though I love them? I am so unhappy. I just wish everyone could get along.angry

On the face of it, it sounds pretty horrible. Why on earth would your mother want to come over just to row with your husband? What is her most recent grievance about?

Has your mother explained why? Can she give examples to back up her reasoning?

I ask because this could fall anywhere on a spectrum from 'My mother is psychotically controlling and hates my husband because he doesn't let her get away with it' to 'My husband is psychotically controlling and my mother hates him for it and is determined not to let him get away with it'.

Thank you for replying. My husband hasn't done anything dreadfully wrong. We have had a few arguments like anyone else. She says he is weird because he isn't like 'us'. He has a pink shirt and has commented that he is camp and possibly gay! He isnt as close to his family as I am to mine. He hasn't ever controlled me. I think part of it is down to the fact that I have taken on his two children as my own but he has provided for me and taken my daughter on as his own. He has always been generous, extremely so yet she will call him a miser. I am at a loss and very upset. If I am happy with him then why can't she be happy for me?

Well, maybe she doesn't have it in her to be happy for you.

Thing is, your marriage is happy and your blended family is in a good place. Your mother, for whatever reason, sounds as though she is determined to upset the apple cart and is getting the rest of your birth family to follow suit. She's not nice to you either.

All I can say is, don't stand for it. Keep your distance, ignore her games. You don't need to declare you are calling it a day, just don't get in touch or respond when they do.

Is it too simple to suggest she isn't happy for you because he shows you what being in a functional relationship with family is like? Both in your relationship with him and his relationship with his family.

It's not your mother's place to pick your friends or partner, and even if she loathes them it really isn't her place to comment on them. She is being incredibly unkind to you in her behaviour towards your husband. As for her reasoning, it just isn't possible to comment as the ones you've cited are just beyond insane.

Were you very reliant on your mother before he came along? Does she feel usurped by his presence? I'd bet that it's to do with the change in the relationship (and maybe her usefulness in her mind) between you and her when you started your relationship with your DH.

I know it's family and you love them but really would you put up with this from anyone else? We're indoctrinated into the cult of family and thus put up with atrocious behaviour on occasion. Stand up for yourself and your husband. It may be worth seeing someone to talk through your feelings over this with, but please know it's not your job to make peace here - and anyone taking sides is an arse.

I guess I was very reliant on my mother after my first husband died and she was very against my new relationship. We have been together 4 years now and got married in December. I thought things would improve but they have taken a very steep decline. I can't get this out of my mind. I feel that I am breaking my loyalty to my family by saying I won't have them slagging off my husband...

You're not breaking your loyalty to them. They're breaking their loyalty to you in slagging him off. I wonder what they've conditioned you to in thinking that you're being disloyal by expecting the very minimum standard of behaviour (not slagging off is a far cry from being kind/friendly).

I wasn't trying to excuse your mum by asking how things were when your first DH died, but trying to see whether she (wrongly imo) felt sidelined when your life moved on. This is very much her issue and her doing. You've done nothing wrong in asking her to be polite and civil and in expecting her to respect your husband as a human and your choice in marrying him. In your position I'd be putting a lot of distance between my mum and myself, though I appreciate this is easier said than done.

Please try to rise above it, and don't get embroiled in feelings of guilt and obligation towards a family who are being so very unkind.

Thank you :) I know what you are saying is so true. I havent spoken to my family since this all kicked off on Saturday.. The other thing is that my mother will NEVER make the first move. She will never admit to even being slightly wrong so if it is left up to her she will never speak to me again. I forgot to mention that she called me daughter (18) a fat greedy pig the other week too :( it's so upsetting

I understand that it's hard to adapt your thinking but your husband is your family now.
My mum and dh (then boyfriend) didn't get on because he gave me confidence to call her out on nasty behaviour. She blamed him for changing me and told me he was horrible. I too felt torn between them both and tried to keep the peace. Then we got married and it was like a switch flipped. DH is my family and I should support him, as I would expect him to do for me. I told my mum this and that I'm not standing in the middle anymore - if she was horrible to him, he would defend himself and I would be on his side.
They have got on fine since!

Your DH sounds like a good man, and your family is in a good place. Defend that. If your mum is too stubborn to understand this it isn't your problem, as hard as that can be to accept

It is very hard to accept to be honest. It's hard to accept that she can't have a conversation with me or anyone for that matter without slagging him off. It's hard to accept that's this is the way things will stay unless I apologise. It's hard to live with the guilt. She isn't is the best of health to be honest and none of this is doing her any good or anyone else for that matter. I don't understand how she cannot even comprehend that she may be wrong. It's so hard to deal with. This week has been horrible. The problem also is this seems to happen every couple of weeks. I don't have any friends. I don't work at the moment. I just have my family and even they are against me. It's a good job I have my husband, kids and dogs.

Of course it's hard to accept, it's a really shitty situation. Unfortunately you can't affect your mother's way of thinking or behaviour, no matter how wrong it is. You can affect your response to it, though it's not easy to change.

It sounds like you are, quite rightly, very down about the whole situation, but as you say you have your husband, children and dogs. They are your family - if your mother wants to be a bitch so be it, don't let her affect those your most closely share your life with. As for your extended family they are being ridiculous too.

It's horrid feeling isolated. Is there anything you can do to get out and socialise? Even if it's not interacting beyond a smile/hello I find that getting out helps me hugely when I feel alone. It's so hard but try not to let the bastards grind you down

she called me daughter (18) a fat greedy pig the other week too

Not exactly a huge loss, is she?