Funeral etiquette with DP's ExWife

[IkoIkoAnDe]

I have NC for this. Me and DP have lived together for four years and now his DM is ill and expected to pass away quite soon. It is going to be a difficult time for everyone. DP's stbEW is unlikely to pass up the opportunity to attend DM's funeral even though stbEW and DM were never close and now do not meet.

My question is, who should sit/stand where at the service, could stbEW think herself justified in taking a place next to DP and trying to make me sit at the back? EW might even try to insist that I shouldn't be allowed to go to the funeral at all like she did over DSD's wedding. She is capable of kicking up a massive stink to exclude me if she wants to, even though I have never met her. I haven't talked to DP about this because I don't want to be insensitive.

I haven't been to all that many funerals, maybe half a dozen ever, but I thought that they are supposed to be different from weddings, etc. in that unless the family say 'family only' then anyone who knew the person who has died can attend the service and just sit wherever they want.

Would you say that stbEW would have the right to call any shots over this? DP and EW were married 25 years.

i think your dps mothers funeral is an entirely different thing than his daughters wedding. The correct etiquette would be for her to send a card, but not come, or if she does, then to sit at the back.

You should go and be with your partner. If you are really worried about her causing trouble, speak to someone else in the family about it, but try to pretend she isnt even there

It is a sensitive one but very very different to your DSD's wedding.

I wouldn't want my XH's new wife at my childrens weddings. She was Mother of the bride. Its a pivotal day for many mothers and I can understand her not wanting to play politics if there is still hard feeling (whether justified or not)

I wouldn't say anything to the children when the time comes, but she has been actively destructive in my marriage - yes my husband cheated but she pursued him knowing i was ill with a baby and disabled child. she's been quite nasty indirectly to them saying we shouldn't get maintenance, cutting it and putting endless pressure on XH in this regard (he pays below the legal minimum guidelines anyway). She ignores them or seams to tell them off over rediculous things. I feel quite strongly about it even though i'm now better off and remarried and much time has passed.

At my MIL's funeral i would attend but as a person who cares, not as a family member. I'm divorced from the family. I suspect I have a better relationship with MIL than her but don't see myself as part of the family. I don't think they're at all comparable but do understand why you'd post here to discuss at a sensitive time like this.

I hope that things pass smoothly for your MIL and your family get the chance to say the things they want to.

If she was fond of MIL then she should go. Death brings folk together in a strange way.

I'm not really sure what you are asking. You are pre-empting quite a lot.

I'm not sure she was banning you from DSD's wedding so much as her and your DP's DD's wedding. Subtle but important difference.

I would think the correct thing to do is whatever makes things easiest for your DP. There may not actually be any drama anyway, you might be getting ahead of yourself.

I think I would just play it by ear and try not to worry about it. It might not be an issue.
If the ex knew the MIL for that long then of course she might want to go and show her respects- the MIL was her children's grandmother after all.

Pass up the opportunity to attend the funeral?

Right do you two been living together for 4 years and his still not divorced? Why is that?

I think it's her right to attend, and would probably expect her to sit with her children, with your partner alongside them. You could then sit next to your partner. If your partner has siblings, I'd expect them to sit alongside him and his children/ex wife behind.

She should sit at the back and not make it all about her.

Try not to make it all about you either. This isn't the time for drama.

OP, not to sound holier than thou, but your DP's mother is dying, and your priority seems to be who gets the seat of honour at the unfortunate woman's funeral? Why not support your DP at a horrible time and stop inventing fantasy scenarios involving a woman you clearly loathe. And why on earth would your DP's ex 'not want to pass up the opportunity' to attend her former MIL's funeral? It's hardly a fun occasion, and bears no relationship to the wedding of her own child...

Undertakers are usually very good at sorting this type of thing.

I would think you would be arriving at the service with your dp and therefore behind the funeral car. On arrival at the service building the undertakers will direct which people to go where - usually the congregation is waiting outside and the coffin is taken into the building and then the family in the funeral cars follow on inside behind the coffin. Then the congregation follows in afterwards.

I have been to one or two where the ex came in last and sat at the back as a mark of respect. The off spring were in the main funeral party though and not at the back with the ex.

Is it possible for poster's to answer the question instead of projecting onto the OP? Let's just assume OP knows the ExW better than we do

OP you will need to talk to your DP. He might want to sit with his dc and in that case l would expect you and ExW to sit behind him. Try to remember you're there to pay your respect and support your DP, in however way is best.

Ignore ExW, if you've been living together for 4 years (and you weren't the OW) she needs to move on.

It will only be for an hour or so, just be supportive.

Ok well your dp's mother isn't dead yet so I think you are being quite inappropriate to be debating the seating order at this point but leaving that small issue aside - it's a funeral. It has a purpose in marking the passing of the deceased. It doesn't matter who sits where. The ex can only make a fuss if you rise to it. Don't mention this, don't allude to it, don't anticipate trouble. Simply turn up and sit alongside family members in whatever order you end up in the pews. That's the civilised way to behave. If the ex makes a fuss, ignore her. It's not about her. Its not about you.

They were family for 25 years of course she should be at the funeral. Bloody hell, 2 ex girlfriends came to my first husbands funeral. I thanked them for coming to remember him and respected the fact that he had a life before me.

What northern lurker said.

Bloody hell the poor woman's not even dead!

The children will be grieving their GM and will need their Mum to support them. Their Dad will be supported by you. Please do not use a family in grief as a drama lama situation about you.

I'm Irish and in our culture, people do not need to be invited to a funeral - anyone can (and usually will) show up if they want to pay their resoects, despite any rifts in the family or fallings out etc.

I think thats the way it should be.

This isnt about you or her. Nobody will be interested in this particular drama. Try to remember that.

Your role is to support your DH through his DM's funeral. Sit wherever he would like you to sit and do absolutely nothing that causes any sort of friction or tension.

Assume you will be sitting with and supporting your DH as, presumably, you will be arriving together.

If the ex appears and sits somewhere inappropriate, take your DH's lead as to what he would like done about it. If he wants to let it go then please do without making any sort of comment to anyone.

All that matters is that you make it as easy as possible for her loved ones to concentrate on saying goodbye to her.

The only people who I feel have a say who comes to a wedding is the bride and groom. It's their day. Other people saying who should or shouldn't go are being selfish. It's hard to put things aside but it has to be done. It's very sad you couldn't go to the wedding and be there for your step child.
Funerals too. You should be there by your H side supporting him and saying good bye to his M. His ex can also go but doesn't have to be at the front. She can sit anywhere else. She could be behind her kids if they need her support.

Don't try to anticipate what might happen. Just arrive and support your DP. If she turns up and creates, take your lead from him, or leave it to their adult DC to smooth over.

But let the poor DM die peacefully first. Your post seems pretty distateful.

His mother is still alive and you're worrying about the funeral? Ugh.
she might be your dPs stbex (so actually she is still his wife then), but she was the dil of the (still very much alive) mother. For 25 years. And presumably mother to the grandchildren.
any funeral is not about YOU its about the person who dies and those who come to show their respect.
Those two women have a long shared history and you should just get over yourself, let her attend and sit where she feels like.
her children may want her to sit with them. Or she may sit at the back.
many of the other relatives will have known her a very long time so she will be mixing with them all and possibly attend the wake.
you need to take a step back and keep your dignity, be there to support Dp.

Thanks for the replies, it has helped.

I hope your MIL is having a comfortable day.