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Original poster

Really angry and hurt at my childhood friend

31 replies

Keepingittogether27 · 06/05/2015 00:15

Basically I have this friend . I've known her for 16 years and always considered her one of my best friends.

In high school, she was bullied and I stuck up for her and I don't know why but she always compared herself to me and our other friend because we got more attention (I was loud and she was really good looking) and through the years she got a boyfriend and made another group of friends (who were also bullied) but through it I always made time for her and vice versa. Because she was part of our group (at the time we were very stupid and smoked weed and smoked etc) all her new friends found her cool and exciting and although she never did any of that stupid stuff we did (except making feeble attempts to smoke) they thought she was really cool.

As years went by me and those who were close to her before have noticed her becoming distant. (I know this sounds awful) but she has become quite an attention seeker. Always starting fights on facebook, and claiming she's depressed, bulimic and on pills, but as somebody who had depression very badly I find it totally insulting to those who are depressed as she puts it all online for people to see. If there is anything popular going around she's goes against it, in my opinion, to show she's not conformist . Even still I wanted to still be friends with her because she was a good friend from school.

Recently, since she has a new boyfriend and a new lot of friends she makes NO effort to see me. I even offered to drive 50 miles to her uni with my little boy and she's just not bothered. Her group of friends don't like me, they are trolls and everytime I write something to her, they make comments. In fact she just put a status up saying 'I'm so bored' so I said I'd send her my number and we can catch up and one of them just put 'needy needy needy'. She didn't even stick up for me and just put another stupid comment so I haven't replied. I'm really hurt. These friends of hers always try and start rows with me and I feel I've grown up too much to get sucked in, but I still find it really upsetting and offensive. I feel I'm being bullied for wanting to see my friend.

She obviously doesn't care and I should probably just leave it. I know I might sound a bitch for everything I have put but I'm just so upset about it all. I've done nothing to her or them. They're just a geeky group of people who seem to see me as their target right now, even though I haven't done anything to any of them. Except for not sharing some of their opinions (the grand ntional, i'm against it and they just kept laughing at all the horses that went down to annoy me so I deleted them off facebook). She was always the geeky girl I looked after and shared my secrets with but now she's somebody who honestly doesn't care about me. I really want to go see her mum but I feel it would be awkward.

Massive rant. Very sorry to those who read it. What would you do?

OP posts:
FeckTheMagicDragon · 06/05/2015 00:33

To be honest it sounds like she's thrown her lot in with the bullies, rather than be one of their victims. It's a survival tactic. Like she hung around with you, and got reflected 'coolness' and protection. She's let you down badly, I'm sorry you are hurt. Block each and every one of those bitches, that way they can't see if you post anything. Then pick up and talk to her. Tell her how you feel. If she doesn't realise how or why you re hurt. Walk away.

sliceofsoup · 06/05/2015 00:36

Please don't go and see her mum.

Honestly, you sound really judgmental of her and there is nothing in your post that even explains to me why you want to continue this friendship, when it is very clear she doesn't.

Why would you want to be friends with someone who you have described as feeble, geeky, immature, uncool, attention seeking and lying about being depressed? Why would she want to be friends with someone who thought all that about her?

I think she made you feel cool and powerful in school, because she was only on the edge of your group and you had to protect her. And you are still looking for that validation now.

Walk away. get on with your life and let her get on with hers.

Original poster
Keepingittogether27 · 06/05/2015 00:44

I want to see her mum because me and her mum were quite close when my son was born and she helped me a lot. If I'm honest it's the only reason I want our friendship to carry on. But I feel like I would be over stepping boundaries.

OP posts:
Original poster
Keepingittogether27 · 06/05/2015 00:46

And honestly, I was bullied too in school, just not as much as her. I used to love spending time with her because we got on so well not because she made me feel cool. I just protected her because of this. I know I sound awful and clinging to the wreckage but at one time me and my partner sat her down and asked her to be my son's godmother and she cried. It's been a long time since school but I thought she might still care enough to bother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Keepingittogether27 · 06/05/2015 00:49

I am judgemental of her in my head. Yes. And I can understand why you would reply like this. However, I have never said any of those things to her or anyone. I put it on here to vent.

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 06/05/2015 00:53

But can't you see that your opinion of her is a problem? I would also guess that her opinion if you isn't great if friends you only vaguely know are commenting like that. What is she telling them to make them say you are needy?

I have one friend from school. We see each other regularly, she was my chief bridesmaid last year and I am hers later this year. She wasn't even my best friend in school until the last year. The girl that was my best friend moves in different circles to me now. You don't even have your friends phone number. It is hard, but people grow and change and move on, and I think you need to let this one go.

sliceofsoup · 06/05/2015 00:54

I am judgemental of her in my head. Yes. And I can understand why you would reply like this. However, I have never said any of those things to her or anyone. I put it on here to vent.

People pick up on a lot. You don't have to say it out loud for her to feel it.

Original poster
Keepingittogether27 · 06/05/2015 01:06

Yeah maybe you're right. I still want to see her mum though, which is an issue.

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 06/05/2015 01:14

When was the last time you saw her mum?

Original poster
Keepingittogether27 · 06/05/2015 01:25

I drove past her the other day and we wound the windows down and she said ask her daughter when she's home and she will take us all out for a coffee because she wants to see how me and my baby are getting on. I know she will be really upset if me and her daughter fall out, she's always really liked me.

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 06/05/2015 01:28

You don't need to fall out. If you want to speak to her, go for coffee even, then do that. But you can't bring her into the middle of this between the two of you, that isn't fair on her.

Does it have to be all or nothing? Can't you just pass yourself if you see your friend, and just leave it at that?

Original poster
Keepingittogether27 · 06/05/2015 01:35

I don't want to fall out with my friend (I mean like be angry at each other forever) but I don't want to be pestering her just so I can see her mum sounds so weird). My friends dad died a while back and I know her mum is lonely and gets a joy from seeing my baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Keepingittogether27 · 06/05/2015 01:37

Also, just to note. She said she was depressed a long time before her dad died. When her dad died she grew up a bit and doesn't put it on facebook quite as much.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 06/05/2015 01:41

Firstly, I agree with pp that your OP sounds like you have never really like and respected her and I wouldn't be surprised if she has sometimes felt like you pity her.

Secondly, you are an adult now. You are allowed to be friends with anyone you want. So if you want to be friends with her mum, without involving her, then go for it.

It really does sound as though you and your friend have grown apart now. But that doesn't mean you need to do the whole dramatic "falling out" thing. Just get on with your life and leave her to get on with hers.

sliceofsoup · 06/05/2015 01:44

I know I am sounding harsh, but it just seems all about you. Her mum gets joy from your baby, her mum always really liked you etc etc.

The honest truth is that if you meant what you say you mean to these people you would be in their lives. But you aren't. They have lost a member of their family, your friend is depressed, they could turn to you, but they haven't. Probably because you don't believe her about the depression (which makes me so angry, but I am not getting started on that) and for whatever reason she doesn't see you in the same way you see her.

Original poster
Keepingittogether27 · 06/05/2015 01:58

Her mum speaks to me all the time, I also know that she wants me and her daughter go be friends. And I wrote this post from my prospective, not hers.

You don't have to go into the depression thing. The reason she doesn't tell me anymore is because I called her bluff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Keepingittogether27 · 06/05/2015 02:00

Maybe you're right and I did just pity her, will try and see it like that from now on.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 06/05/2015 02:00

Why can't you be friends with the mum, and not friends with the daughter? You are grown ups now, not children.

SavoyCabbage · 06/05/2015 02:03

I agree with Slice. It sounds to me like you feel superior to your friend.

She's moved on and made new friends, whether you approve of them or not, and you need to do the same.

If you do stay in touch with her mother, and I don't see why you shouldn't, then keep off the subject of your friend. Ask after her but don't go any further.

Thinking about it, I suppose I have a relationship with my high school friends parents. I took my baby to see them when she was born (without my friend as she was in another city) and they came to my wedding. I make time to see them when I am in our home city. However our friendship would not still be there if I was no longer friends with their daughter I don't think.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 06/05/2015 02:12

How did you 'call her bluff'? Do you think this could have been the reason she's stopped engaging with you?

And I second what Perspicacia says, you can still be friends with her mum. My DM is friends and sometimes goes for coffee with one of my old school friends who I very rarely see (due to geography mainly), as they live close to each other and are on the same wave length.

sykadelic · 11/05/2015 02:02

OP I actually read the "needy, needy, needy" to be directed at her status, not your reply.

chipsandpeas · 11/05/2015 02:08

people move on from friendships regardless of how their parents feel

god if it were up to my mum id be settled down with a guy and have kids that i have no interest in

you cant control these things

RainbowFlutterby · 11/05/2015 02:13

It sounds like you intend to use your "friend" purely so you can be friends with her mum. That's quite horrible behaviour really.

ConnortheMonkey · 11/05/2015 02:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 11/05/2015 03:21

but as somebody who had depression very badly I find it totally insulting to those who are depressed as she puts it all online for people to see So, because she puts it on fb & you don't, she can't be depressed?

That's a horrible comment.

Honestly, you sound really judgmental of her ... Why would you want to be friends with someone who you have described as feeble, geeky, immature, uncool, attention seeking and lying about being depressed? ... I think she made you feel cool and powerful in school, because she was only on the edge of your group and you had to protect her. And you are still looking for that validation now. YY!! That was my opinion too!

It doesn't matter if you don't say it to her op, it's your opinion of her & it stinks! In school it sounds like you were her only (or only one of very few) of her friends. It made you feel good about protecting her, probably took the heat off you as she get bullied worse, it gave you some relief. She has changed, if you don't like that change, fine. But she is obviously not that timid little girl girl who needs your protection anymore & that stings.

Block all the others who are rude. And move on.

The reason she doesn't tell me anymore is because I called her bluff. How on earth would you do that & why, for heavens sake!?? Is her depression not as valid as yours because you didn't put it on fb? Or do you think you have the edge, because you had it worse?