need advice

[littlejolee]

Hi, sorry if this is a bit long but I need some advice on how to not hate being a sahm. Now don't get me wrong I absolutely adore my ds (18 months old) and I wouldn't change him for the world but ever since I was a little kid I said I never wanted to be a sahm. I always had plenty of respect for them because I think they (I suppose we now!) do an amazing job but all I ever wanted to do was cook. I was a chef before my ds was born and in culinary school to progress to high end dining when I fell pregnant unexpectedly. I absolutely loved my job and loved college, my life was amazing and I really felt like I was finally getting somewhere with my life (after a couple of years of honestly, bumming around being a useless teenager/ young adult with no responsibility or liability). I even had a decent job lined up for me after I graduated with not awful hours and halfway decent pay (for a chef). But having my ds has ended all of that. I couldn't take the job I had lined up because ds would only have been a few weeks old when I was supposed to start so that's down the pan. Now unless I was working about 45 hours a week we couldn't afford nursery or a childminder. Ds doesn't get free nursery until he's 3 because my partner earns too much but most of his wages go on the mortgage. I have tried joining mummy groups, and making mummy friends, but no one there ever seems to want to know me, I've been going to these since ds was 3 months old and I still don't have any new friends and none that live near me, we've been going since he was three months old. i can't help but think there must be something inherently unpleasant about me?

I have tried everything I can think of but I just don't feel like me anymore, I HATE the drudgery of being a sahm and feel like my life isn't my own anymore, like I have no control over anything that I do and all I ever do is clean and cook (which I like but home cooking is v dif to cooking in restaurants) and go to baby groups (which I loathe but ds loves)

I used to be such a happy go lucky woman who loved life and now I think to myself every day 'i hate my life I hate my life I hate my life'.

Again sorry for the long post and thank you for reading so far.

I think I just needed to get this out there but I love my son and hate my lifestyle and I honestly don't know what I can do about it

If being a sahm is making you unhappy, is it posible to work pt? Maybe in a related but different line of work?

I've looked into it but dp works all the hours under the sun so even part time we would need child care, the cost of which would wipe out any wages I would be earning :'(

But would you be breaking even at least? If so would you consider it?

I'd just about break even I think if I worked a weekend day/night and got so to mind the lo. Ill look into it and have a word with him

If you broke even wouldn't it be worth it? Working isn't always just for money it's enjoyable and can give you purpose too.

This sounds just like me (except I wasn't an aspiring chef, just a working independent woman)

My DS is now 2.6 and I haven't worked since I went on maternity leave for the same reasons - my partner is self-employed and earns "too much" apparently for us to qualify for any childcare vouchers or tax credits. We don't have enough coming in though to pay for childcare ourselves, in order for me to return to work, for it to benefit us financially. My wages would essentially ALL go on childcare so we figured I may as well be his full time carer.

We also don't have enough coming in to qualify for a mortgage but too much for social housing so we are paying a fortune on private renting so we have no chance of having any money left over even for part time childcare. It's a vicious circle where I have ended up being a SAHM mum for nearly 3 years and will have to remain that way until he starts nursery at 3.

And just like you, I utterly adore my DS... but I don't adore being stuck at home, with only 'mummy' type people to associate with, who just like you don't want to know me. I am a northerner in the south and when they hear my accent they act like I'm some kind of criminal to be suspicious of. I have literally watched them pull their child away from mine when he tries to play with theirs.

I feel your pain... no advice I'm afraid as I'm just like you. But you're not alone

I know it's no where near the same but could you start a side line in birthday cakes that earns u a bit of
money but can be fitted in around childcare. If u gave out a few flyers at play group I am sure you would get some orders and new friends as a result

Yes I was just about to say the same thing - have a think about small jobs you can do on the sid. Local Facebook groups are good for advertising too.
You could offer to cater for children's parties for example, that would likely be at weekends. I'd love it if someone turned up with a nice healthy looking selection of party food at my house that looked as though I'd made it mmyself!
You could get some cards made up (moo.com are great) and have a word with a play group and offer to cater for a session to give everyone an idea what you can do. People are always responsive to free food

I would assume that most Chef positions involve either early mornings or late evenings, which are really, really difficult with young children. Or any children, tbh. It can be very disheartening.

I agree with others, try and do some sort of business from home, using your chef skills.

Either birthday cakes, or making fresh cakes (muffins, pastries etc) for a local café (who can advertise them as home made cakes).

Perhaps preparing bulk meals for some local childminders? If they were prepared by a chef they could either incorporate it in their costs but include it as a selling point, or add it to their fees - preparing fresh meals can be very difficult for busy childminders.

Or writing a blog, trying out recipes from different recipe books or from different online recipe sources. Perhaps trying out new cooking/baking equipment. These sorts of things could lead to advertising revenue on a blog site and/or being given freebies to try out and write about.

There's probably quite a few other things that you could do, if you think about it. Have a morning of throwing random ideas around. It doesn't matter how ridiculous they are. In there somewhere will be a brilliant idea which might just need a bit of tweaking to make it work.

I know that the major hospital near me employs chefs to cater for the staff, visitors and patients - it also has a day nursery in the grounds to cater for staff children and it runs 7 till 6:30 Mon-Fri 363 days a year. I imagine many large teaching hospitals are like this - so perhaps hospital catering?

Its really good as well I could happily have stayed another couple of days. They even do outside catering and occasional posh dinners when they are trying to get people to fork over cash.

Money isn't everything. If you are getting on Ok at the moment with your husbands wages then why not spend all yours on childcare if it makes you happy. I'd hate to think of how much I hate my life day after day when something could easily be done about it. We're only here one remember

Even if part-time work plus childcare would mean no extra income, at least you'd get to be happy doing something you love. It isn't like you'd lose out on money. I think it would be worth it for your own self esteem. Sorry the situation is so shit but I don't think resigning yourself to it is the best thing for you.