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Original poster

feeling sad about having 2 kids the same gender

14 replies

sensesensibility · 17/03/2015 16:52

I've got two amazing kids - both boys. However, I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will never have a daughter. I'm really close to my mum, and feel sad that I won't have that relationship as I get older. I wouldn't swap my two for the world, I don't seem them as 'boys', just as my kids but every time I hear of someone I know having a girl I get a pang. People have said 'bad luck' to me when they hear I have 2 boys and ask if I'm going to try for a girl, all the while pointing out that girls stick with their mothers and boys go off once they've found a wife.

What I'm struggling most with however, is that my SIL had two girls and has now had a boy. Obviously it's not her fault, but I don't want to see him, hold him or even have to talk about him - this isn't really an option but whenever I see them I feel crap.

I know this is my problem to deal with, but just wondered if anyone has any advice.

Thanks

OP posts:

Artandco · 17/03/2015 16:55

No idea

Personally I also have two boys. I see it as beneficial as they like the same things and can wear the same clothes ( close in age). They like many things I do as have been brought up with it. They aren't particularly 'boyish', just average children who like to ride bikes, play football, but also learn to knit and like coming shopping with me

MsHighwater · 17/03/2015 16:56

Your relationship with a daughter would not have been the same as what you know because it would have involved different individuals. It's a phantom and there's no point dwelling on it. I have just one child; I might have wanted more but it was not, in the end, an option. I must make the best of what I have (which is pretty fabulous) and so can you.

ouryve · 17/03/2015 17:00

I used to be a girl (oddly enough). I left home at 18.

I don't think generalisations about what girls and boys are like are going to help you, to be honest. Your children are people first and foremost and you have at least a small influence over their relationship with you, in the long term.

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Owllady · 17/03/2015 17:00

It's a load of old tosh the b
Men with their wives things
I know loads of men that are still close to their mothers, of all sexual orientations before any rolls out any other stereotypes

I have daughter and two boys but my daughter is severely disabled and will never marry etc etc. It's not the life I envisaged but it's the one I've got. You have to make the most of what you have imo

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/03/2015 17:03

Girls stick with their mothers? I don't think that has been true since about 1960

sparkysparkysparky · 17/03/2015 17:09

I sort of get where you're coming from. But you need to find a way past this, as you probably know.
There's a fab episode of Malcolm in the Middle where the exhausted Mum of 4 boys fantasises about having girls. Needless to say it ends up not quite as she imagined.

Kewcumber · 17/03/2015 17:17

there would be a very hollow laugh from my mum if you said this to her...

girls stick with their mothers

I still get a pang when people announce they are pregnant and I realise I will never know what its like to be pregnant and give birth.

It's OK to feel a bit regretful about things you can't have as long as you appreciate what you do have and it doesn't cause you to while away the good things in life whilst pondering over the imaginary things.

I regret I don't have a birth child, I regret I didn't resit my chemistry A level to get into med school that's all OK.

The reality is I may well have been bored to tears being a GP but it's nice to imagine that I would actually have saved the world by finding a cure for cancer (all of them). I can enjoy the fantasy unencumbered by the reality.

AlmaMartyr · 17/03/2015 17:25

I agree with Kew's post. I have one of each and I get pangs when I hear of people having a third (no more for me!). I wanted two of the same gender and I sometimes get pangs that my DS will never have a brother and my DD will never have a sister. But, that's all they are, pangs. I love my family just as it is and wouldn't change them for the world.

It simply isn't true any more that girls stick with their mums and boys go off. My brother is very close to my mother and my sister is NC.

lostmymarblesbutfoundthewine · 18/03/2015 09:46

I have 3ds and I get sad that I'll have no more be it a boy or a girl.

I'm used to the negative reactions about having 3ds but I put it down to jealousy

there was one new mum a couple of weeks ago who had a son and had a newborn daughter and she said she felt sad as her children will never have the relationship that all boys or all girls will have. had never thought of it from her point of view.

MummyBtothree · 21/03/2015 17:48

Ive got three boys and feel blessed at that. some women cant have children.

VegasIsBest · 21/03/2015 17:53

As your boys grow up and become more individual I think matters much less what gender they are. They will each be different special and wonderful I their own way :-) enjoy and treasure them rather than wishing for something else.

LemonYellowSun · 21/03/2015 18:28

I have 2 boys. I never had a preference before they were born.

There is no guarantee on closeness of relationships for either sex.

It would have been nice to experience having a daughter in a way but I know for certain that my boys prefer having a brother. Dynamics would have been very different from what they are.

LadyGregory · 23/03/2015 13:08

Honestly, I think we really need to put to bed this hoary old stereotype about men drifting away from their families the second they partner up. It's based on the same kind of dopey 'old wives' tale' misogyny and essentialism that says that all-female workplaces can't function because of hormones and cattiness - as if all women are in competition for male attention, including mothers fighting their son's girlfriends and wives. And the idea that girls don't 'leave' the family harks back to a world in which boys went out into the world seeking out careers and adventures, while girls stayed at home embroidering teacloths and hoping someone would come and marry them and take them to live three doors down.

The extent to which it has any basis in reality is the extent to which we as a society promote and expect those kinds of behaviours. There was a very similar thread recently that someone will link to, and there were posters who said they were already distancing themselves from their baby boys because they 'knew' they were going to leave them eventually! If you continually tell your daughters you have a special relationship that will always endure, and tell your sons you expect them to leave you and find their own independent life which is likely to have nothing to do with you, do you not think that your expectations are quite likely to be fulfilled?

willnotbetamed · 26/03/2015 20:24

I also have two boys and am expecting a third. I know what you mean in a sense - there was a moment of letting go, realizing I will never have a daughter. But for what it's worth, my DH and his brother are really close to their parents - they see them at least once a week, and ring them a lot more often (!) and will always go off there like a shot if they feel they are needed. I am one of two sisters, and while I love my parents and get on with them well, I don't think I'm as close to them. My two sons are also really attached to their paternal grandparents and see them really often. I think boys can be wonderful when they grow up. And you will hopefully have the opportunity to bond with your future daughters-in-law and granddaughters in due course...? (If that sounds too heteronormative, then it isn't meant to - I've often thought that if one of my boys turns out to be gay, that would be lovely too, as so many of my gay male friends are really close to their mums ).

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