Would you say something

[QueenB14]

Dd is 15wo and stayed with her dad last night.

We have had words over the last 3 weeks re moving onto solids; he wants to start, I don't. This isn't just because of guidelines, this is me as her mum saying she is not ready and does not need it.

Anyway I've just emptied her bag from last night and there is a bib FULL of orange stains. As this isn't a bib I sent this could be one he is using 2nd hand ie from a relative with an older baby. I can't help thinking what if he's given her a jar of baby food behind my back??

things really aren't good between us at the moment, would you say something to him if so what?

15 weeks old? Isn't guideline now 24 weeks?? I would be livid & would most definitely say something. She's not even 4 months yet. Why is he so insistent & where is he getting his guidance from?

Yes that's the guideline but even if it wasn't I wouldn't want her on solids anyway due to her being satisfied on the formula she is on and just thinking her gut won't be able to handle it yet. I am fuming I hope it's another baby's bib (despite me sending at least 3 clean ones)

Don't know where he gets it from tbh but he's full of these pearls of wisdom

Does dd need to stay with him overnight? I'd be cutting contact right down and telling him why. I know some will say you're overreacting and it never did their dc any harm etc, but it does harm some children by causing allergies.
I can't understand why some people are so obsessed with feeding babies solid food so early.

I'm the same it's not a race and believe me she is more than happy the way things are.

It's not court ordered or anything so could cut contact if needs be. I have other reasons but this is just the straw that broke the camels back really

15 weeks is far too young for her to stay away from you overnight, you'll both still be bonding with each other amongst other things. You don't have to rush into this.

I don't know much about it, but from what I've heard, if the contact was court-ordered, overnights wouldn't start until your dd was much older.

Not making excuses but I think I was kind of bulldozed into it while I was still finding my feet as a new mum that he would have her from 3 months o/n. Total lack of confidence in myself plus sleep deprivation and little to no experience in custody matters and whether the arrangement was usual made me agree

It's OK, my ex was a bulldozer too. I started to put my foot down, then he moved abroad. I did have the occasional bit of shit but it was nowhere near as bad as it was when he was in the UK. I know it's really, really tough but you have to start or he'll just wipe the floor with you < for you.

You need to stop the overnight contact, it's not in your child's best interests to be separated from you at such an early age. Your baby needs the time to bond with you, and you need the time to bond with your baby. If you don't feel confident enough to do this then you need to see a solicitor.

Thank you, I was considering seeing one due to other reasons and then the bib incident happened the other day.

I haven't asked yet but definitely will do, if he has he won't lie as he's so brazen about things, doesn't care what I think and just generally thinks he knows better than me.

I need to get my pre - baby attitude back tbh, think I've been trying to "keep the peace" for too long.

Oh and lady I love the idea of him moving abroad!!

Keeping the peace isn't best for your baby.

My ex used to turn up drunk at 3am and expect to sleep on my sofa I moved further out of the city centre and he stopped because he couldn't be arsed to walk that far . There's a loooong list of shit I put up with and it was empowering to say 'no'. I didn't do it to be awkward, I started to put ds first and by keeping the peace I wasn't doing this. It was wonderful when he moved. He'd return every 18 months though and demand we dropped everything so that he could see ds (he'd let me know the day before) though. If we had plans that we couldn't cancel he'd become verbally abusive down the phone at me. The last time he saw ds was 4 years ago. Unfortunately he didn't listen when I said ds gets upset when he's shouted at, and he shouted and swore at him in the middle of the city centre because ds had left his friend in a games club (another visit at the drop of a hat) and he'd asked how long he'd be. Ds didn't want to see him until he apologised (fair enough) but I got the blame and he stopped paying maintenance. I took him to court and they almost doubled it. 3 years later he's still not speaking to me and ds still won't see him (I couldn't keep the lack of maintenance from him as his father would only pay it into ds's bank account). My life would have been 100 times worse if I'd have gone with his demands to keep the peace.

The only way to deal with a bully is to assert yourself and stand up to them. You can do it!! Your baby needs you to stick up for her and to do what's in her best interests. She tops everyone else.

Omg that sounds awful! I'm glad you're in a better position now though and hope I can get myself out of this situation sooner rather than later

I don't even recognise myself really if anyone had told me this time last year I'd be letting this prick walk all over me I'd have laughed in their face

I was thinking only this morning about how I used to feel like I couldn't really say no to my ex about contact when we first split. As I've grown in confidence as a single parent and felt more and more that I know ds and usually know what's best for him, I've become much better at saying no when necessary. As time goes on and you fund your feet, you'll feel better about saying no to him and it'll all get easier. It's hard at first!!

Oh, it's so easy to let this happen, Queen, so don't blame yourself. Being pregnant and going through childbirth is such a hard time and it's really not good on your hormones. It makes you quite vulnerable and you don't think straight. Then after the little ones are born you're exhausted, so you're thinking less straight then you were before. Your daughter is very young and you'll still have a load of hormones trying to level themselves out, plus you'll be knackered. Start off with small things. If it's not convenient for him to collect her at 9am or whatever, just say no. Say 'no, that's not convenient for dd' and keep repeating. Tell him to email you rather than call, that way you're not put on the spot and you have some records for the solicitor. Once you start standing up for yourself (and dd) it does get easier, TheCowThatLaughs is right

I went back to Uni and got a Law degree just after he left. That was wonderful .

Yeah thank you both, really do need to start saying no!

Have some lovely records for a solicitor already, including him telling me he has "more important things to pay for" than our dd so that will make for an interesting discussion! (Don't worry I found my voice when he said that and he got his arse handed to him)

Oh, ouch!

Right, you know that maintenance and contact are not connected? Chances are that, unless you were married or if he lives abroad, you'll need to go to the Child Maintenance people for this. They will do an assessment of his income and take things from there. The solicitor will be able to help with the contact issues.

Ok no problem, need to get both sorted.

Only doing what's best for me and my girl from now on sod him

Thank you for all the help and support

Good for you!! You're more than welcome to send me a PM if you're ever in need of a pep talk. You can do this. You can show your DD that she (and you) are no pushover.