Helping out friend. How would you manage this?

[jimijack]

I have an absolute diamond of a friend, lovely in every way.

She is married, has no family nearby but seems to have tons of friends. Very sociable lady.

Has a small child, is expecting again..we are all very excited for her, I can't stop smiling every time I think about her.

Anyway, I helped out ALLOT when she had her 1st child. Babysat once a week, cleaned & did her ironing when babysitting, enjoyed myself as I am a clean freak plus her lo is bloody scrumptious.

I had another baby so all of that stopped.

Thing is I seemed to be the only one who helped out of all of her friends. She is very very anxious about how she is going to manage with the new addition to her home.As far as is can gather, her dh is useless, she may as well be a single parent.

I really want to help her, but wonder where all of her other friends are. There are literally a hundred replies on her fb to her pregnancy announcement.
She/they lent on me heavily with her 1st born.

I have said I will help her, I can see things going in an awkward direction, but feel like such a bitch for even thinking this.
How would you go about the helping side of things?

Decide what you can do & stick to it. She's an adult & will have to find what support she needs in other ways.

Did she help you? Just curious.

Her dh will have to step up!!! Even if it means him managing to toddler, stop enabling him to be useless.

Offer what help you are able to.

I would just do the help you want to do, if any. Maybe her other friends are busy themselves.

I didn't have any help at all and you just manage. You just let other things slide. Housework etc.

Well perhaps her friends thought that the child's own father her partner an actual adult should be the one to step up and be an actual you know responsible father and partner.
It's nice you feel this way but really she chose to have not just one but two children with this person.
You have a child of your own its really not you or your friend's responsibility to do her cleaning ironing etc.
In fact the more you enable him being useless and her failing to do anything about it the less you are actually helping her,
If you want to help her do it but realky don't do more than
a- her own partner is doing
b- she did for you

She'll just have to manage by herself - lots of people do. She's incredibly lucky to have had your help last time but will have to cope by herself this time. You were a luxury not a necessity.

Well she couldn't help me, my older child was 7 at the time.

Thing is I had NO help at all with my 1st child despite having lots of family near me, no one helped. I had pnd & a non sleeping child for the 1st 5 years of his life he did not sleep a full night. I worked full time too.
I remember how that felt & how fucking hard every single day was. My dh was fantastic, we struggled through between us.
I can't leave her with nothing, no help or support alone. I can't.

I will see what she wants from me, then will compromise with her about what I can do bearing in mind I have my own job & 2 children to care for.I am part time now so have a bit more free time.

Being alone is dreadful.

She's got a husband though. I think it's nice that you want to help her, but it does sound like you feel responsible for her which you shouldn't.

that's really between her and her husband how they manage. I wouldn't dream of doing another adults cleaning and ironing. they are both physically able. you and all her other friends have your own lives to manage

There is absolutely no way I would clean and iron for an able bodied healthy young couple. You also seem to projecting your own experience onto her ie you cannot leave her with nothing , no help or support and alone. She's not alone , she is married , and as you say has plenty of friends.

The reason her other friends didn't help out is because it wasn't necessary. She and her husband are adults who are capable of cleaning their own home and doing their own ironing. This sounds very unhealthy.

The help has to fit in around your needs/family. So if cooking soup or stew, maybe make an extra batch for her. Invite her over for the odd lunch so she can get out of the house and chat. Probably chatting is a great way to support her.

It's nice of you to care about your friend but there's no need to overthink or get massively involved.
As others have said - she is an adult, as is her husband and they'll manage.
She is not alone and if her husband doesn't pull his weight then it's not really up to you to pick up the slack.

What someone suggested above sounds like a good helpful idea - soups, stew, casseroles for her to freeze and a little adult company sometimes.