advice needed about relationship

[proudmummy2]

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice regarding my partner as I don't know what to do. Phew where do I start, ive been with him for 3 years and don't get me wrong hes a pain but what man isn't but I truely do love him with all my heart. My issue is porn, I'm not your average woman who gets jealous or anything like that I never had a problem with it before, until I was in a violent relationship with my ex, he was an awful person and it was one of the hardest times of my life, long story short he used to be abusive to me for not looking like porn stars, I remember one time he had gone to the shop and come home with a porn magazine and just sat on the sofa looking through the magazine without saying a word, I was changing my 5 month olds nappy and then he just threw the magazine at me, pulled me away from my son and pinned me down on the floor next to him, he went on to spit in my face and said why can't you look like them your disgusting and turn my stomach look at the state of you, another time he actually punched me in the face because my boobs wernt as big as a pornstar called Lucy pinder. I left him eventually when I got pregnant again and he made me miscarry through continually abusing me. Now I caught my recent partner watching porn within months of being together, I didn't get angry with him I just explained why I don't like it and I said I would end our relationship if he can't understand or respect my feelings he agreed and promised never to do it again. Today now I have just discovered he has searched for porn again, I feel sick and really don't know what to do, I had our beautiful daughter 11 weeks ago so I dont exactly feel great about myself as it is, I have no idea why he's doing this as our sex life is back to normal and is usually fantastic, granted we can't do it as much because of our newborn and me being drained looking after a 5 year old and 11 week old while my partner works all day, not to mention I have to go out and do all the shopping and the housework, what would you do? Tia xxx

I understand you had an awful experience with your ex, that led you to associate porn with violence and abuse. But for most men, porn is just a harmless distraction or a way of satisfying curiosity.

It sounds like your new partner is totally different from your ex. In my experience, most men look at porn. Some hide it on their laptops, others are open about it, but it's very natural. If you stop him he will probably still do it secretly behind your back.
Men are bombarded with porn adverts online, in magazines etc the same way women are bombarded with beauty adverts.

I think its best to let your partner enjoy his porn, without making him feel guilty. Many couples watch porn together to help them get in the mood- there's lots aimed at couples nowadays- could you try this to make it a shared, loving experience?

My partner watches all types of porn, and while I don't get much from watching it myself (to be honest I find most of it boring) sometimes it gives us new ideas that enhance our sex life.

For most men porn is just a way of indulging in harmless fantasy, and does not indicate any problem in the relationship.

I think you should post this in the relationships section for some sensible and varied advice

That would be the end for me. Not just because of the porn but because of his total lack of respect for your feelings.

Sorry that you are going through this.

Agree, get this moved to 'relationships'.

Wherels ... I disagree. I don't think it has anything to do with him lacking respect for OP's feelings. If he was blatantly looking at porn in front of her and knew it made her uncomfortable, yes that would disrespectful. But it seems he's been looking discreetly, just forgot to delete his search history. To him it's probably very normal behaviour and maybe his past girlfriends didn't mind. I don't think it's realistic or fair to insist he stops altogether, or give him such an ultimatum. If it makes you uncomfortable then I think he needs to look in private and not leave any trace on the computer for you to find. But why would you throw away a good relationship over it?

Congratulations on getting out your previous relationship. It sounds horrendous.

I'm not keen on porn because I feel it is exploitative and promotes negative views of women. But it is true that many men who are respectful of women are able to compartmentalise their lives and can use porn while being good partners.

So I guess the first question is, is your partner kind, loving and caring? If not, nothing else matters.

If he is a good man I suggest writing him a letter about your feelings about his using porn. Also ask yourself what you really want. If he would minimise and hide porn use would this be enough, knowing he might accidentally slip up again? What happens if he agrees to stop then goes back on it? What if he won't stop?

He is entitled to make a choice to use porn, so really you need to decide where you draw the line. And that is really up to you. There are no absolute right

Oops..

Or wrong answers.

Ignore the porn apologist, if you don't like his porn usage you have every right to say so. It is up to him whether porn or RL relationships are more important.

It is up to you where you draw the line. You don't have to be 'cool' about it. FFS