giving up work when DH doesn't want me to

[BaconIsMyFriend]

I jst finished my mat leave 2 months ago with second DC. My request to work part-time was declined for genuine business reasons. I can't cope with two small children, being out of the house 11/12 hours 5 days.

all the house work, cooking, then trying to give them attention and keep up with school stuff for older DC. Plus, I miss them SO much.

DH doesn't support me leaving for financial reasons. basically we would be quite skint for a while until I got another job when youngest goes to school.

what do I do? I want his support. I'm going to regret missing my kids grow up but I also don't want to pile pressure on him. He also works 60 hours in shift work with a second job.
I'm stressed to the point of being in tears about it every day.

Just wanted to add...i agree it is a shit time when you're both working full time and they're tiny. We're just coming out the other side now- my youngest is in reception- and it hasn't had a negative effect at all...if anything, we're more organised, and hopefully will have passed on a good work ethic.
On the plus side, we have few money worries now- our childcare bill has reduced massively, which makes us feel rich compared to a few years ago (we're not! )
Good luck, you just have to keep on keeping on.

I really sympathise as it sounds like you're caught between a rock and a hard place.

What is the situation at your current job wrt holiday leave? Could you arrange it so you have a day's holiday every week or two - which would give you a tiny bit of breathing space/time with the kids and the opportunity to put some time and effort into looking for another job.

If your eldest is at school and you think your skills might be transferable I'd recommend keeping an eye on your local council's website for school hours and/or term time only jobs - about April/May there will be loads of recruitment for the new school year in September.

I'm also inclined to think your DH does need to be a bit more supportive - it's strikes me as rather unreasonable that he expects you to do 11-12 hours a day and the majority of the childcare and housework, whilst doing a second job that is not a financial necessity. If you could manage without his second job, or with him doing less of it I think he needs to cut back and help you out a bit more.

If you can't cope, then he has to drop his other job. You should be inflexible about that.
It works both ways.

time he could spend with the kids just chooses not to

I don't like the sound of that. What does that mean? He isn't willing to look after them when he IS there?

If you earn more then how would you feel about working while he was a SAHD? And do you think he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to spend time with them? I think it'd make sense for the highest earner to carry on working.

At the least, I think he ought to consider dropping his second job and making himself more available to do his share at home (it is his share; it's not 'help'!). There's not much point him earning more money to afford the odd meal out if you're going to be too knackered to enjoy them, is there?

I think your DH should be allowed to give up his second job before you give up work

This. It doesn't sound like he is earning enough in a single job to cover all your expenses. I think you have lots of options but you giving up work and expecting him to work in two jobs to just cover the essentials shouldn't really be on the list.

Can he give up one of his jobs or go part time, would that mean he was able to do some of the housework/childcare? Can you afford a cleaner? Are you out of the house so long each day because of commuting or because your job is demanding (in which case is it well paid?)? I would consider looking for another job closer to home (for both of you if your DH has a long commute as well) or that is part time before giving up work altogether.

You need to work out TOGETHER the best way to cover all the work in the house. You should not make a unilateral decision after 8 weeks back in work.

Sorry lots of cross-posts there. Is threatening to give up work a bargaining tool to get your DH to do more? Seems daft for the higher earner to give up work and the lower earner to be doing 2 jobs, he should definitely give up one of his jobs and step up to the mark with his share of childcare/housework to make your life easier. But keep looking for a more suitable job for yourself as well.