Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Feelings for someone other than my husband

21 replies

Helpmedontslamme · 29/12/2014 16:06

First of all, I'm after advice, so please don't slam me down, call me all the names under the sun etc etc.

I've been with the most amazing man for the last 18 years and I love him and our 4 year old son more than anything on this planet.

My husband is my best friend, my soul mate. He loves me to death as I do him, we have an amazing sex life, we have money and are comfortable. Our son is just wonderful.

The year before I got pregnant with my son, he cheated on me. We were on a night out, a friend came back and we were extremely drunk. I went to bed, came down half hour later when he hadn't come up, and I caught him giving her oral.

I never really got over it, but I could never live without him and he was devastated by what he did. I totally believe that he's never done it before and would never do it again, it was just one of those things that he's paid for.

He has a brother who is as lovely as him, he's his best friend. Problem is, over the last 6 months or so I've developed feelings for him.
Every time I see him, I don't know what to do with myself.
I don't know why, as he's also obviously been in my life as long as my hubby and I've never felt it before, he actually drives me crazy sometimes with things he says and does, but I've started to fantasise about him while having sex with my husband and I feel ridiculously guilty about it, but I can't help it.
He comes over a lot (his wife doesn't give a shit about the family and makes no effort with any of us, even him).

I'm just not sure where it's all come from, or what to do.

My husband and I have been trying for another baby for 18 months and had 8 losses in that time, so I'm not sure if that's triggered something.

I've got to a point that's if my brother in law prompted something, I'd take it, but I wouldn't start it.
I'm just sickened with myself, and don't know what to do from here.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/12/2014 16:13

WWID ?

I'd keep trying and trying until I got one accepted. I heard that freelance creative writing is really tough to break into

all the best of luck to you , and never give up on your dreams

2015 could be your year !

HTH

Trills · 29/12/2014 16:21

Wrong thread AF? Wink

Favouritepants · 29/12/2014 16:23

Please don't beat yourself up over this. You can't help your feelings and they are probably partly a response to the bomb your DH set off in your marriage by being unfaithful.

Try to contain it and not act on it. You might subconsciously be looking for a way out of a relationship that can't be mended or maybe longing for a new phase where you can get over the hurt and restore the intimacy and closeness again.

I develop crushes now and then. I think it's normal to have strong feelings for other people but I do try these days (unlike in my wanton youth!) to use them to understand my feelings about my marriage rather than as a reason to get into bed with other people.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Storytown · 29/12/2014 16:25

Don't think so Trills

IslaMann · 29/12/2014 16:28

WWID? I'd stay well away. You're seeing in you BIL what you used to see in your DH, before the emotional trauma of his affair and your miscarriages. You're grieving for what was, and BIL represents how you used to see DH. You do know that you're setting yourself up for immense trauma don't you? Have you actually received any signals for your BIL that he's interested? If so, he's not a very nice man, planning on hitting on his brothers wife, is he? Do you really want to be with a man like that?

Trills · 29/12/2014 16:28

Mmmm-hmm.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2014 16:32

err, yes trills Wink

IslaMann · 29/12/2014 16:46

Oh FFS, I usually only lurk and NEVER post on threads like this, and the one time I do, it appears Ive been duped. Oh well, live and learn.

Original poster
Helpmedontslamme · 29/12/2014 16:50

Errrr this isn't a fucking STORY this is my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmedontslamme · 29/12/2014 16:53

Favourite and Isla thank you for responding.

The part about thinking of how my husband used to be makes sense although they are both completely different.

I got over it, but I've just never had feelings for anyone except my husband, I just don't understand why all of a sudden where these feelings came from.

If you're not willing to help me, fuck off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmedontslamme · 29/12/2014 16:56

Isla, no signal from him bye either

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmedontslamme · 29/12/2014 16:57

Btw, it has taken me 2 months to build up the courage to write this on here, I am absolutely FUMING with those of you who think this is a story!!!!

OP posts:
GlitzAndGigglesx · 29/12/2014 17:02

Do you think your feelings are becoming strong for your bil because your hubby cheated or is it something that's always been there? Don't beat yourself up feelings are hard to control

Original poster
Helpmedontslamme · 29/12/2014 17:22

My hubby cheated over 5 years ago, and I've never had feelings for anyone never mind my bil, hence I just can't understand where it's come from.
I don't know if it came from getting closer to him because his wife is such a bloody idiot, and I was almost trying to show him (when he came round) what a relationship should be like. He loves coming round to ours and we all have a laugh. He told my DH months ago (when he was going through a rough patch) that he thought I was great and it's nice he's got a 'sister' as well as his brother. He's never ever said that before so I don't know if that may have triggered it.

OP posts:
Trills · 29/12/2014 17:30

What do you WANT to happen here?

If what you want is for the feeling to go away, then try to avoid contact with the subject of the feelings, and think about something else whenever they come to mind.

Suggested things to think about:

If I were to write a novel, what would it be about?

Would I rather have been born rich in the 1860s or poor in the 1960s?

If I won a new kitchen in a competition, would I get one of those taps that does instant hot water?

Shag/marry/push off a cliff: Cameron/Clegg/Miliband

Don't assume that you having feelings means anything in particular, or is something that you need to DO anything about.

Do consider that 8 miscarriages/stillbirths in 18 months might have confused your hormones a bit and remember how irrational some people get when their hormones are off balance.

Original poster
Helpmedontslamme · 29/12/2014 17:42

Yes trills I desperately want it to go away. But if he initiated anything, I think I'd be drawn in (I doubt he would though, he fell out with a friend for years as the friend slept with another friends girlfriend-then went onto marry her though so they made up).

That's a good suggestion about thinking of something else.
I think it's not helping that I don't have anyone in RL to talk to about it so it's really eating me up, which is why I posted here.

My dh is my best friend. We talk about EVERYTHING. To the point if this was anyone other than his brother, I'd consider telling him and get through it. That's just how we are now.
All of our friends are mutual so I can't talk to anyone, and I'm fit to burst tbh.

OP posts:
notauniquename · 01/01/2015 19:04

I understand completely what you're going through, partner who cheated a long time ago, having that in the back of your mind, maybe a little bit of wishing that you'd not put up with it etc...
I even understand what it's like having a partner with a friend who you think is just lovely...

But doing anything with a friend, or family member is just going to hurt you and him. in fact honestly, having any kind of affair is just weak...

If you want to have something with his brother, then leave him, and try to start a new relationship. don't go behind the back of someone who is meant to love and be loved by you.

Basically, you ask what would I do.
Either try to repress whatever feeling I had for the friend/family and get on with my life.
or, if those feelings felt strong enough that I actually wanted to do something then I'd leave my partner and pursue those feelings.

AntiHop · 02/01/2015 08:48

From the way you write about your dh, it doesn't sound to me like you want to end your relationship. If something happens with his brother, your relationship with your dh would probably not survive. That's not what you want. Anyway it doesn't sound like his brother thinks of you in that way.

As pp said, it is normal to develop crushes. I have. Those kind of feeling can feel amazingly strong at the time, but the feelings will pass. You've been through a lot with the pregnancy loses so it's no wonder you're not feeling yourself.

Try to spend as little time with bil as possible until these feeling pass. If you have time, take up a new activity to give yourself something else to focus on.

Do not tell your dh about these feelings.

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 26/02/2015 16:33

Is your Bil giving you any reasonto have feelings. Does he ever compliment you etc?
I expect you see in him how your dh used to be but even he will have his faults.

dangerrabbit · 26/02/2015 18:05

Why don't you consider having therapy so you can have someone to talk about these feelings with in a confidential environment?

Amrapaali · 26/02/2015 18:15

8 losses in 18 months?? Blimey...ummm..I don't know what to say Confused

New posts on this thread. Refresh page