Can I afford to be a sahm?

[Charingcrossbun]

DS is 8 months and I am dreading my return to work. It's more than just "I'd rather stay at home". The very thought of work makes
my stomach ache. Sending my boy to nursery full time feels like paying someone to go on my holiday for me. Does everyone feel like this?
Work expects me back in feb, without going into detail it's a tough job that can't be done part time - I was not covered for maternity leave so know I am goin back to a huge pile of mess. I will also be letting them down and feel v guilty for my collegues who have been doing lots of extra work in my absence. If I don't go back I have to pay back maternity pay (which is only fair but a pain).
We rent and DP earns less than me & I feel bad about placing all financial responsibility on him. My parents keep talking to me about mortgages and how I'll never get one if I stop working - should I care?
The sensible thing to do is put DS (then 11months) into full time nursery for 13weeks & work full timeto mean I don't have I pay work money (11weeks of this will have to be after I hand my notice in
So they might be pretty cross). But even this feels like forever - they change so much in 1 week let alone 13. Plus DS does not sleep more than 3hrs at a time so work will be hell.
Wwyd? More than half your family income and stay at home...or should I just man up, no one wants to go back to work after a year "off"
but such is life..?

You don't have to be a full time inclusion manager in that school forever though. Do your 13 weeks and look for a part time job as a classroom teacher? I think you're making it a bit all or nothing.

You haven't said what your DH thinks?

Are you planning on having more children ?

If so, in your shoes, I'd go back to work but wait until No 2 came along as then nursery fees may make it a more expensive to work than to sah.

It's not just the current financial situation you are making difficult by being a sahm, you need to consider the long term effect on your pension too.

Going back is tough and I struggled having to go back when dd was 5 months. It was hell and I ran in at last minute and had my coat on at the dot if home time! Wasn't a teacher then . I think it's hard to change the way you do things/school expects you to do things at same school tbh so you may be best to go back and look for another job that would be less responsibility. Eg part time at different school. If you think you could , give notice as soon as you go back . I am now qualified teacher and whole qualifying part time and first few part time jobs j tutored and earned good money. I went to students after school/Saturdays/ evenings when DH around but later insisted students came to me. I'm lucky cos I have English degree so tutor all KS English/literacy but my post grad quals also give me sociology and politics too so lots AS /A2 teaching plus I do special needs coaching. At present I don't tutor because my dd is seriously ill but I get LOTS requests by word of mouth for all levels and could easily earn £250 a week or more if I focused on it. This week at hospital with dd the schoolteacher on ward asked me if we were in next week I would help out teaching politics and sociology! So you could ask LEA for info about medical needs tutoring and hospital tutoring too. I think you have lots options really do don't give up!!!

What about your DP being a SAHD? This makes more sense when you are the higher earner.

P.S.
Providing you find good quality childcare I personally don't believe children are adversely affected in anyway by attending nursery full time. It may not suit the odd child here or there but as parents we need to keep an eye out for this and act accordingly.

I went back to work very quickly, initially part-time but full time by the time they were 6 months old. My dc are acknowledged by their teachers to be kind, thoughtful and caring children who are also ahead of their peers academically. The nursery they attended played a part in this and I do believe we were fortunate to have such an excellent one nearby.

You will still see/experience the changes in your child as they develop, you won't miss out on anything and they won't love the staff more than they do their own parents.

I mussed that where you said that your husband earns less than you. That seems rather short-sighted then. Why doesn't he give up work instead?

All this is theoretical anyway as you need to consider what he feels about it all.

Teachers are, ime, the people who have been able to work the number of days they want.
Can you go back, and look for a post that is 3-4 days a week, offering you a balance.

If DH also reduced his hours slightly to a 4 day week, that would mean your baby would have 3 days in nursery. Would that work?

I would imagine that you are currently entering the unpaid period of ML. So, how does the money work atm? Can you survive without your income, and not attacking any savings?

AFAIK, returning from ML does not attract the same notice period requirements as normal, but your contract may say different (ie I can tell work 28 days before I need to return I'm not coming back, but my normal notice is 12 weeks)

Teachers are, ime, the people who have been able to work the number of days they want

I agree. There are many crap things about teaching but that isn't one of them!

"What about your DP being a SAHD? This makes more sense when you are the higher earner."

This hardly resolves the OP's problem of wanting to be at home with her DC!

Do you get the school holiday off? The teachers I know work part time or full time including roles similar to yours, and the school hols do help with the balance. If I was you I would work on getting a job share. It is surely possible!

No, but maybe her DH would love to be at home too. OP hasn't told us enough about him for us to say, 'yes, just do it'.

I think this would come down to cold, hard economics, if it was me. Can you afford to pay back the maternity pay? Can you afford not to work? If the answer to those two questions is 'No, not really', then I would go back and review when you're past the initial period that means you won't be liable for that repayment.

TBH I'd feel bad about letting down my students too, if I was a teacher. If they've been being taught by a string of supply teachers it would be kinder and more professional of you to go back and leave at the end of the school year when the school will have time to recruit a new teacher for next Sept.

Also, and I know its hard to see it like this right now, be careful about chucking in your career at this stage. I gave up my career when DS1 was a baby because I was living in the US and only got 12 weeks maternity leave. I couldn't have imagined going back after such a tiny amount of time and the very thought devastated me, but I do regret losing my career, my own money and autonomy. Also, by the time DS1 was a year old I was climbing the walls in a way I definitely wasn't when he was eight months old. They do become more challenging once they're walking, your freedom is curtailed, and how many of your friends are going back to work after a year? You may find that come Feb you won't have so many pals to hang around with any more and that can be rather depressing.

Thank again ladies.
Overthemill I'm sorry to hear you DD is unwell. I am intrigued by you saying special needs coaching. I used to be run a special needs unit in a mainstream school and it was the best job I've ever had.
The suggestions that DP stay at home are fair but I would still find it very tough - it's not that I don't trust a nursery etc it's that I want to be with him, selfish as that may be.
A career break would affect him far more than me in terms of
Career progression through.
We're not married but only because it's not really my thing rather than because we are planning to split up/not been together long.
It's great to hear different views.

I went back, had a breakdown and now am a happy sahm/exam marker. However without the legal protection of marriage you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. I think you should try the 18 weeks. It might be enough to overcome your perfectly understandable urges to care for your child. If not at least you'll be in a better financial position.

Don't give up your career to be a SAHM if you're not protected by marriage! if it's not your thing, pop down the registry office for a 15 minute jobby with some strangers you dragged out of the pub and forget all about it. If your DP gets run over by a bus, you have no rights.

I would say try to keep your hand in in some capacity with your career just for the sake of the future too. I went very part time as a teacher, gave up a management position that was incompatible with part time to do classroom teaching, then supply/ exam marking. I don't intend to go back full time unless financial constraints mean I have to. Some of my SAHM friends are thinking of going back to work now their children are at school but will have to either do low paid part time work, or go back full time for at least 2 years to build up professional experience in their previous career. Children still need you when they are at school and it can be just as big a wrench to leave a 5 year old in before/ after school childcare every day as it is to leave a baby. It doesn't look like you could afford to be a SAHM for the rest of your life if you are the high earner.

Don't give up your career to be a SAHM if you're not protected by marriage!

And this! I didn't realise you weren't married. Don't give up your job/income/professional status without this safety net. Head on over to to the relationships and divorce boards if you don't believe us. No one thinks their DP is going to up and leave or start a new relationship, but it happens and if you are unmarried you can be left with nothing. Marriage gives you legal protection, without it your DP will only have to provide something for your DS, not you.

We're not married but only because it's not really my thing rather than because we are planning to split up

That's fine when you're financially independent. But you'd do well to look at the relationships Board - thread after thread of posters blind-sided by relationship breakdowns. I'm very secure in my relationship but there's no chance I'd leave myself without legally binding protection. You just don't know what the future holds.

Op-you haven't told us your partner's views on you giving up work. Is he happy to be the sole provider?

Unless the DP is a high earner spousal maintainence would be rare and to be fair the OP wants to quit work as she doesn't want to work not because her DP has a job where she needs to not work. Yes marriage gives rights with regards to property but it's niave to believe it will give you an income other the CM in the event of a split.

It's always wise, married or not, to retain financial independence. Nobody knows what the future holds and years out of the workplace make it so much harder to gain work again in future.

It also gives protection in death and property. I agree that it won't provide an income and financial independence is always preferable. Surely you can't just say you don't want to work unless your partner is also able to support you long term.

Tbh, the OP is like thousands of people across the globe; she doesn't want to work. I don't want to work, my DH doesn't want to work. It's hard, stressful, sometimes unpleasant and I have to do what other people tell me whilst smiling otherwise I'll get sacked. I would much rather be at home with my children. I do t think I would ever get bored-I could be at home until old age, but there's that tiny little matter of money.

Sadly, if I didn't go to work, I wouldn't be able to pay my bills or feed the children and we can't live on DH's wage, so both of us have to go to work. I'm lucky in that I'm a teacher and have the holidays off as well as being able to afford to work part time and having a DH who is happy to facilitate that.

If the ops partner won't or can't pay for her to be at home, she can't do it, surely that's what it boils down to?

I have children who are school age now. I'm lucky enough to work part time.

The people I know who became sahps by choice or design are all now 'paying for it' in some way or another. Either with spouses that have fucked off or a job they can't get back in to. The world doesn't need that many cupcakes!

An 8mo is a really cute stage, but honestly its a long game.

My x fucked off when mine were little. It's because I worked and maintained financial independence that I was able to bounce back.

The childcare gets easier and cheaper and some children really do enjoy it.

If you can actually manage to pay your rent and eat and pay bills with a lot of cutting back then certainly think about being a SAHM for a while at least. But go back and work your 13 weeks and you never know they might offer you something part-time or a job share. I was only an SAHM for about 20 months in total. It was OK at first but I did quite want to go back to work in the end. As I couldn't embrace being a SAHM as a long term career.

OP I don't think any of us can tell you what you should do. I can only share my experience I went back ft when ds was 11m like you I didn't want to, but also like you I was the higher earner and would need to pay back my maternity pay. I went back, it was hard , but I think it really helped dh to step up and after 6 months I got a dream (for me )job (2.5 days a week- job share with a promotion). I have worked pt ever since which works well for us.