Worry over Friends get together

[GnomieGrace]

Not sure if Etiquette is the right area for this but here goes:
In just over a week me and DH are going to a friends christmas get together, this is held every year and is usually 3/4pm on a Saturday or Sunday in the lead up to Christmas. It's a big event with maybe 15 ish friends mainly married couples attending. It's always great fun and an opportunity to catch up. We are all in our early 30's now and as with this age several of the couples now have babies or young children. There are 3 under 2 that I can immediately think of. I will be 20 weeks pregnant and one of the other ladies will be 28/29 weeks with her dc2, dc1 is 14 months. Unfortunately the wife of the main host had a phantom pregnancy over summer and since finding out about our pregnancies has been understandably cold towards us both. She didn't even congratulate me even though there are several times over the year where I have dropped everything to support her, the phantom pregnancy her DH's EA though a physical affair was suspected her twin falling pregnant with DC2 etc etc. so this year they have decided to move the meal time to 8pm, read 9pm by the time everything is sorted and understandably this has put a few of us out. My preggo friend with 18month old has said it's really difficult as child will fall asleep at the party and then will have to be transferred home, will probably wake her and then she will have a very grumpy child to deal with. I also am suffering really bad with heartburn and if I eat after 7pm I often have a really bad night. We both really want to go and see another friend who's child is 11 months old who as they live far away we haven't had chance to see yet. I have suggested that we hold a mini get together in the afternoon, just the preggo's and babies have a good old play and compare war stories then those who want to go on to the main event can do and those that don't won't have to. This would ensure most of that initial baby/pregnancy chat is out of the way so we won't be "rubbing" the hosts face in it, something we have been asked not to do as she is struggling to "come to terms" with our Pregnancies, as asked by her DH. Would this be really bad manners of me to suggest this?

I think it's a great idea to have a child related get together earlier on, so the baby talk can be over and done with by the main event. I don't think that would be a problem at all (and in fact think it's quite a positive thing to do).

However, just be mindful of not letting this earlier meet up become the 'main event' as I think that would be a bit rude/bad form if the host finds out half the invitees didn't bother to come along in the evening as they'd already caught up with half the friends earlier on in the day. If that is likely to be the case I would suggest organising a completely separate child-friendly do that doesn't detract from this host's plans.

I commend you on your thoughtful and understanding approach to her predicament btw (being someone struggling to conceive herself!).

Thanks smidge I had a ETM in April and me and DH have struggled for almost 2 years to conceive so I understand how she must be feeling. Thanks for the words of wisdom!

Sounds like a good idea, and a very sensitive one in light of the circumstances.

I agree with phrasing it along the lines of "you won't want overtired little ones ruining the fun". You won't need to say more, people will understand.

Aren't you worried that she will perceive it as you taking over her event with a pre event to which only fertility buys you access?

Well that's the dilemma really...if we don't do a pre meet chances are we will be accused of "taking over" the conversation as it will undoubtedly turn to babies etc, getting 4 couples who have all recently or are soon to have babies keeping it off the topic would be near on impossible. Which is bound to upset her given her DH's warning or we would feel a bit on edge all night in case one of us slips up and mentions pregnancy. Or do we do this little pre meet, I was thinking a cup of tea no more than an hour and then schlep round the corner to theirs, we live 1 street away so getting from ours to theirs is no problem.

Lots of friends had babies before me, I would have been really upset if I wasn't invited to a pre event because I didn't have children.

I totally get where you're coming from, but I'm afraid I think she would be quite hurt. I also think moving it later in the day, deliberately to to make it difficult for those with children and, in effect exclude them, is worse. However it's nice that you are understanding of how hard it must be for her.

How about letting this one go as the Main Event, even if several of you miss out, then in a couple of months send round an email saying really missed seeing everyone, how about squeezing in an extra catch up this year? Do it at lunchtime, maybe over Easter, and invite everyone.

Poor woman. Her DH is EA and has had a physical affair, she has suffered a phantom pregnancy, and most of her close friendship group and her twin are pregnant or have young children? The fact she is holding it together enough to host a party is pretty damn amazing. The fact she has moved it to the evening to try and shield herself from the majority of the happy families baby talk is entirely understandable and not in this case rude at all. She must be hurting in a way you cannot even begin to imagine.

This year is one to show sympathy and understanding. Please don't hold a pre-event party. That's just rubbing her nose in it. i know you are expecting your first, so understandably excited and want to talk babies, but this isn't the occasion. Arrange a separate meet up on a different day and don't piggy back off her invitation.

I have lost good friends because I conceived easily, and they have had unsuccessful IVF. It hurts, but it's understandable. I have also lived through a partner's infidelity. It is the single most painful thing I have ever experienced. I can empathise with how she is feeling, and I can completely understand why she has moved the time of the party. She must be really suffering inside. Be kind.

I have a friendship group of 8, 7 of us have children. I know the 8th was very sensitive to any perceived idea that she was being left out of anything because she was childless, and that is without any fertility issues/previous problems (just not ready for children yet) so I think this could really upset the host. I know your intentions are good but I think it will look very bad to the original host.

So just to update you all, we didn't do a pre-party, unfortunately our friends who were travelling across the country were caught in traffic but popped over for tea and cake the day after. And our other friends struck down with a cold. At the party, despite having an 18 month old a 10 yr old and pregnant women in the house they rolled up joints and were smoking them, I left as soon as it was "not rude". IMO they put my health at risk. Neither myself or my husband have spoken to them since.

I think they're well shut of you.

actually, I would say you are well shut of them. most people wouldn't smoke tobacco around children let alone joints. They very much considered their own wants and not anyone elses.