So sad I can't sleep

[ButterFlutter]

I've been married for 3.5 years and have only noticed since my pregnancy how selfish, inconsiderate and rude my dh is towards me. My ds is now 11 months old and I can count the amount of times dh has helped me with him. Dh didn't even want to take paternity leave- I had to threaten I would throw him out of the house,this should have been a clear sign. I'm still on mat leave and dh works long hours alternate weeks. Even when he finishes at 5 he doesn't come home until 8/9pm. I must admit as a ftm I did struggle with setting a routine for ds etc but have had no help from dh with any of this. Ds does not sleep through the night and is awake 4-6 times a night. I'm exausted and alone.

Anytime I ask for help dh tells me I'm the sahm and should deal with it. All dh's leave from work is spent going to conferences or doing work related stuff. If dh comes home and ds is still awake and goes to him for love and affection and this gets in the way of him doing what he wants he gets angry and even stated 'this is why I don't like coming home'! All he wants is dinner on the table and to watch the TV, to not have to talk to me or spend time with our ds. He's getting worse by the day. Dh does show some affection to ds but is once a week enough?

I'm so sad I'm up all night most nights thinking of how I got myself into this mess. Anytime I try to discuss any of this with dh or ask for help with sleep etc he gets angry or blames me for ds sleep breast association. Ds has multiple food allergies from dh's side of the family and was exclusively bf until 6 months. We found out about the allergies and ds wouldn't take to hypo milk so I'm continuing bfeeding- yet dh blames me for our ds lack of weight gain, allergies etc. it's all very demeaning. Dh constantly patronising me, doesn't attend any hospital appointments etc or follow ds progress he only questions me when he feels like it. I feel like I have to always be on the defensive.

I'm due back to work soon and don't know how I will cope. I love my ds and wouldn't have it any other way. Some days I wish I hadn't met my selfish dh.
I'm planning to book a holiday for myself before I start work and leave dh to look after ds.
AIBU,

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. For me things got better when I left. It was such a relief not to have to deal with all the tension. He sounds awful and he should be supporting you.

So sad for your ds. Affection once a week is not enough.

Have you tried co sleeping? It might or might not help with sleeping through but it does make night wakings easier. My ds did not sleep through until he was two. (He is still in with me now we both love it)

Do you have family support?

I really do feel for you and your DS, have you considered throwing him out? Also are you due back ft or pt. I would look at your options regarding your marriage. Has he got a reason why hid like how he is? Has he always been this way!

I'm sorry you're going though this, OP. Being a parent is hard enough when you work as a team, let alone when you have to watch the other parent sitting on the sidelines doing nothing.

So I'm afraid my only suggestion is that you don't have him sitting on the sidelines causing you resentment as you struggle while he watches. If you're going to struggle, it might as well be with him well out of the way so at least you know exactly where you stand, and won't have to put up with his criticism. If you're doing all the work anyway, what do you gain from keeping your DH around? Also, custody visits with your DS will a) force him to step up as a parent since you won't be there to do it for him and b) give you a well-deserved break.

Thank you all for your replies. Dh wasn't always like this, I suppose when I analyse it all he perhaps was selfish and I may not have noticed it because i didn't need his help he worked away a lot and we only really lived together at the weekend. I do have some family support but everyone is busy getting on with their own lives and I feel dh should be the one helping!

Currently he has not seen me or our ds since Sunday night. He sleeps in the spare room leaves early as per usual and comes back when we are in bed. Only communication I get is him asking what's for dinner.

I'm hoping we can sort this out as he has a few days off. I really cannot see how long this can carry on.

Marital disputes are really frowned upon in my culture- women expect me to just get on with it. I'm going back to work pt but on almost ft hours. I feel like a great injustice has been done to our ds. This is far from what I envisaged when i said I DO

My ex was quite like that, except he didn't even have full time work as an excuse. Just no focus or love towards me or DS Splitting up is something I've never looked back on, and on the plus side his relationship with DS improved rapidly once he'd moved out.