First off I am not completely sure of the reasons why I'm posting this but I guess I either need to write it down and get it out my system or just someone to talk to.
I'm a 20 year old single mum to my 3 year old DD. I was groomed into an abusive relationship with an older man at 15 and ended up with DD at 16. We escaped when I was 18 but since meeting him at 15 I've had really bad mental health problems (likes of suicide attempts and self-harming) I managed to get better to a degree and stopped having bad thoughts so much. Everything still haunts me though and I've been on and off the drink for about a year now. My counselling ended a few months ago now around the time I fell in love with someone. I ended up getting crushed and him going off with another girl. Since that first situation though I've had a problem where thoughts and memories just swirl round and round my head until I feel like I'm being driven insane. I made a promise to this guy because I was so in love with him I'd still be there for him no matter what. He asked me to come out for his birthday and I did but this girl was there and it felt like the hardest day of my life seeing them together. I ended up cutting the night early and going straight to my friends in hysteric's. She told me not to speak to him any more and when he doesn't initiate conversation then it would prove that he doesn't care. I did just that and after a few weeks just got a message of him tonight. He's mad at me. Apparently people have be 'having a go' at him saying he screwed me over and just used me for s*x and money. I told him exactly what I've said to people who have asked, just that my feelings got really hurt and it kinda felt like he made empty promises to me. He says me telling people that is unfair on him and I should stop talking about him to anyone. Now the thoughts are whirling round and memories of everything that's ever happened are coming up (as I only recently discovered that I was actually raped in the abuse relationship and that has been eating away as well this past week). Now I've given into the urge and found beer in the fridge tha my friend forgot to take back with her and I'm drinking it and the feelings are getting worse and I'm have self harm thoughts. I also keep thinking about how I'm going to see him and this girl at a halloween party tomorrow and I keep imagining them being all over each other in front of me and the image won't stop whirling round. Also theres a small possibility that my DD's father could be there as we hang round with some of the same people, that doesn't bother me so much as the bouncers and bar staff have prewarning that he is to be arrested if he makes contact with me. The problem I'm having is I'm having nightmares of my friends getting too drunk (they have a tendency to wander off) and I'm going to be outside alone and he is waiting for me. I know its unlikely to happen but its been causing stress. On top of that I've got 8 uni assignments due 3 of them next week and I have no idea how I'm going to do it when I keep letting myself get in this state. Sorry for all this, its just I've had counselling since age 9 so saying it or writing it down is the best way for me to come down.