How do I decline to gossip without hurting my friend's feelings?

[Saracen]

My friend is in the midst of a custody battle with her ex. I am on good terms with both of them. I've known her longer and seen her more often, but I like him well enough and have nothing against him. I see both of them often now, because our children are friends.

She keeps trying to get information from me about all the details of his life, and makes no secret of the fact that she plans to use this information against him in court. None of what she is asking is particularly sensitive information; I just don't like the idea of passing it on. She wants to know, for example, "When did you see him last? Where did you go with him? Was his new partner there? What was he saying about me?"

She seems to have assumed that I am "on her side" against him. Actually I am not. As far as I can see, they both appear to be good parents. Even if her accusations against him are true, they don't seem particularly damning in terms of his ability to be a good dad. I've never told her this because I don't think it's my place, and anyway she has never asked my opinion.

So far I have dodged her questions by being vague and changing the subject, but she is very persistent and it's getting hard. How can I deflect her questions?

Just tell her you can't take sides. Tell her you understand how upset she is, but that as a friend of both of them you are trying to remain neutral.
She will probably be hurt, but the alternative is to make excuses not to see her.

I'd say you probably need to say it straight, what she's doing really isn't ok. Of course if he was being irresponsible or endangering the dcs I would think you had a duty to pass that on, but the courts won't care at all about whether his gf is present or not.

Could you say, "look I've been having a bit of a think, I've been feeling a bit stuck in the middle when you ask me these things. I promise that if I ever saw him do anything that would hurt the children you will be the first to know, but other than that I don't feel comfortable discussing every detail."

She's actually not doing herself any favours if she's focussing on things the courts won't care about. He would have to be neglecting the dcs or actively hurting them for them even to consider anything other than normal levels of contact.

If she goes in with "he lets his gf be around them" then she'll be laughed out of court and seen as obstructive.

Thanks guys! That's very helpful.

Phrases like "not taking sides" and "being stuck in the middle" may antagonise her, from the sound of things, but as FYC points out, the obssession isn't helping her (particularly if it prejudices others against her), so you'd be a hood friend to take that approach.