Angry Black Woman aka ABW

[yelloworange]

How often have you had to bite your tongue for fear of being called an Angry Black Woman aka ABW. I have held it in for years. As a middle class black mum living in London I find that it's best to keep quiet in public, instead of screaming with rage when for instance the taxi driver takes the long way round to clock up the extra pounds for fear of being labeled an ABW. So please share your ABW moments and check out my blog here...londonblackmum.wordpress.com

Of course, to mostwhite middle class people, most black women arealreadysummed up as a single mother, living in a council flat, eating out of Iceland, but how do you smash that myth?

From your blog - bit of a sweeping generalisation isn't it?

Yes FoxSticks, you are right. It is a generalisation. I'm sure not all white middle class mums think in this way. The ones I've met however usually do. I strongly believe that there is a go to stereotype for black mums, especially those who are stay-at-home-mums. What is your opinion of a black mum?

That's an odd question. It's a bit like asking what my opinion of a man is, or an old person, or a lesbian. I really don't think in those terms. I form an opinion on people because of who they are, not because of what they are. Thankfully most of the people I know are the same, and feel it is unpleasant to categorise and generalise.

That's the right thing to say. I could have written that answer myself. It is so the perfect answer, but tell me, honestly, if your kids happen to befriend a little girl or boy at school say, the usual parent thing would be to seek them out and invite them over for a play-date to encourage the friendship further right? And you might even seek the mum out too and invite them over for a tea/coffee at your home or the local coffee shop. That's the usual thing middle class mums do, don't you agree?

Now, lets just say that your child's best friend is black. And the mum just happens to be pushing a pink buggy of no brand with a snotty baby in the front and another toddler along too. Mum looks shattered as hell and her hair and clothes are not quite together. Would you still invite her kid over for a play-date? And would you still invite the mum over for tea / coffee without hesitation?

Of course I would! I might end up best buddies with her I might not, I don't know her yet. Not everyone thinks like you. If you feel comfortable stereotyping then great, that's not how I am.

I've read your blog.

IMO, you seem more concerned with appearance and class, or perceived class, than generalisations based on race.

It reads as though being accepted as a middle class black woman, by middle class white women, is really important to you, also a need to be acknowledged as not like working class black women.

I kind of 'get' wanting to be accepted, but I think you are being a bit disparaging about working class black women. It comes across a bit judgy/generalising on your part and I think that is influencing how you think others may be judging you.

Not gonna argue with the ABW and hair stuff though!

KneeQuestion, thank you for your opinion. I value your real honesty here. I would like to be accepted though as a woman.

Foxsticks there are go to answers that many churn out because they believe that it's the right answer as it puts them in a better light. Your answer I'm afraid sounds like one of those.

I do actually understand where you are coming from. I live in a very diverse area of London and am aware from friends and media that the ABW thing is a real stereotype..and actually it is very hard for some middle class black women to be accepted into social circles by white women. It's all very well saying that we wouldn't stereotype but would judge someone based on who they are..but of course first impressions do leave an imprint. I shan't say my own origin but I have definitely been guilty in the past of stereotyping certain people..namely roughly spoken white mums on the estate near my dc's school..who turn out to be university graduates and are really decent people.
Going back to the ABW thing..I think some people stay within their comfort zone to be honest..we can't tiptoe around the fact that some white women, asian women too, find it easier to just stick within their own groups..eating the same kinds of food, disciplining kids similarly. One thing I've noticed with my black friends is that they are much stricter in terms of corporal punishment...where as my white friends are less so. This can cause tension within friendships if one doesn't agree with another. I really do think that you should continue blogging about your experiences but stay level headed and know that anyone who doesn't bother getting to know you or seemingly does stereotype you, isn't worth bothering with.

And for the record, sadly on mumsnet you won't get many women understanding the issue here. I've been here years and the white middle class bubble of some never does pop. So don't expect much

Classic - FIRST comment is not to even try and engage with your experience but to discredit it and tell you 'it's not how you think it is'. Privilege in a nutshell.

ARGH. Now off to read your blog

Why is it ok to make sweeping generalisations about any race at all? You don't know my background, race or experience charity. I'm not discrediting anything, but I am objecting to stereotypes being bandied around. Why should I be bothered about whether people see me in a good light or not? I'm just pointing out that its not how I view the world but apparently that's not believable

The OP's experience is that she overwhelmingly senses prejudice and assumptions from a majority-white society. Your response was to say 'most people don't make assumptions, you're wrong.' Belittling and dismissive.

No - my response was, why is it ok to make the same generalisation that you object to?

You went on to say that you certainly don't know anyone who categorises or generalises. There is also a huge difference between being actively on the wrong side of prejudice which is what the OP describes, and writing down a generalisation. The latter s small beer compared to the former.

Put another way, it is considered classic 'derailment' to respond to a statement about experiencing racism/sexism etc with 'not all white people/men/wealthy folk are like that, so you shouldn't generalise'. But as ThePeoplePleaser says, this message has failed to penetrate MN, except maybe on the FWR boards.

Your misquoting me again Charity. I said thankfully most of the people I know don't think like this. I choose not to be mates with people who are prejudiced, not such an odd concept is it?

Why was your response about the people who aren't racist? How are they germane? Why on earth was it more important to defend their hypothetical honour than discuss what the OP actually experiences?

I'm done - this thread is now about all the lovely non-racists you know.

I'm pointing out what I think are double standards, I feel uncomfortable with some of the statements made on the blog. Isn't a blog supposed to provoke thought and discussion? I never intended to belittle the ops experiences and I'm sorry if it came across in that way. I'm happy to bow out if you think I'm dominating this conversation, I was just responding to the points raised to me.

Not dominating, but derailing (albeit unintentionally, and I've played my part...). Double standards are not as bad as racism. Saying that a hypothetical person is racist is not as bad as being the victim of racism.

One more post before I leave, yelloworange your blog makes more sense to me with your latest post, I get what you are trying to say about class now, although I might not agree with all your views, I understand a bit more about where you are coming from.

I have written my blog to fuel debate and I will give sweeping generalizations if it means that my reader sits back and think and even yell at me too. Be prepared to throw your arms up at my hypocrisy and my flaws. I am an ABW and this blog was started out of rage. I am hoping that through writing my blog I will be able to one day say that I am finally just a woman. Enjoy reading and please follow my blog.

'I close my gate behind me and pretend not to care'

Painful words.

I hear what you are saying. :)

Interesting read.

I often feel I am treading a fine line of keeping my emotions in check and behaving appropriately. I do think 'appropriate' behaviour is racialised and have certainly experienced situations where I am certain that things would have been handled differently had I looked different IYSWIM?

The paragraph about dressing 'black' or 'white' didn't sit well with me, but I can't quite work out why. I DO know what you mean but I find it quite unsettling that I think in those ways!