Helping alcoholic neighbour

[seventiesgirl]

We moved here four years ago and now know a few but not all of the neighbours. One of them, I'll call Ann, a woman in her 60s is lovely. Always stops to chat, knows lots of neighbours, knows what's going on with everyone (in a nice, not nosy way). She told me she was once a local councillor before she got divorced.

Anyway, after a bit it was clear that she has an alcohol problem. We often see her drunk, she's usually out and about - I don't think she works, going to or coming back from the shops with a bottle in a bag etc. Rarely does she overstep the mark. Once she knocked on the door asking to borrow money when drunk - we made excuses and a couple of days later she came round to apologise. I've only ever stood on her doorstep but her house isn't the cleanest although she does love gardening and we often talk about plants.

She lives with her teenager daughter who is at college. Unsurprisingly she is quite introverted and rarely acknowledges you. Another daughter is at Uni.

Last night my DP came back from a friends house and saw Ann on the pavement where she'd fallen. A few people were there and confirmed an ambulance had been called. People were just standing around and Ann was saying to them to stop doing this and stop looking at her, she was drunk. So my DP got down to hold here hand and talk to her and she recognised him. Then her daughter came. My DP didn't want to hang around for the sake of it, so he asked her daughter her name (neither of is knew it), told her she knows we're we live and if she needs us for anything not to hesitate to call. I was really proud of him when he told me he'd been so kind.

We both really like Ann, despite the drink she is one of the best neighbours you could have. We'd like to help in some way but have no idea how. Her daughter too I feel really sorry for, it's a big burden for her to cope with.

But what can we do? I feel all we can do is be friendly and approachable. Maybe acknowledge her daughter more so that if she does ever need help with her mum she feels she can ask. We just don't want to be seen as interfering busybodies.

You sound nice. Poor Ann

This will be a very fine line. I think you could legitimately call round (maybe with a cake or something) just to ask after her and ensure she's ok after the fall. You could perhaps use the opportunity to ask if things are ok generally and if she needs any help.

But you'll have to tread carefully and back off if she doesn't welcome the approach. I'm not sure what else you could do without overstepping the mark.

Thanks Bona. Yes, I thought of just calling round later today, I'm sure she'll be home by then and if not, at least I can say hello to the daughter.

Not much else I can do really is there?

You sound lovely but you can't really help an alcoholic unless they want to dry out because anything you do will be facilitating the binges.

It's the awful truth about the disease she feels comfortable enough to ask for money, alcoholics are master manipulators like all addicts they have to reach rock bottom and some never do. If you offer practical support you could be slowing down the descent.

I know you mean well and it's wonderful that you care unfortunately your help however well intentioned could make matters worse.

Speak to/befriend the daughter if you can thats where you could do some good

Yes, I'd focus on the daughter. Can you find out if there is an Al-Anon or Alateen in your area you could take her too so she can get some support/understanding?

Continue being nice to Ann, and non-judgemental, so she knows when and if she makes the decision you're there for her, but that's it. Detach with compassion.

Thankyou so much for caring. My mother is/was an alcoholic and compassionate help from people we knew would've made all the difference.

I wish you were my neighbour! I'd 'accidently' make an extra meal and take it around sometime for the pair of them and ask how she is following her fall, baby steps.

Thanks for replies. I'm at my dad's this weekend but DP said he'd call round. Not been in touch with him yet (reckon he'll still be in bed) so not sure how he got on.

I rarely post dilemmas on here, but glad I did. Thanks to your replies I phoned DP and asked him to remember to go round.

He thanked me for reminding him when I got home. He called round to see Ann and she was home, she didn't want to invite him in but they came back to ours and sat in the garden. She can't remember him being there Friday night but they had a good chat about stuff, it was quite good natured. She said she knew she needed to go back into detox.

Whether she does is another matter but it's nice she's open about it and I'm glad it wasn't brushed under the carpet.

Fingers crossed x