Hello,
This is my first ever post on a forum so please bear with me if i don't use the right "lingo".
So my husband and I have been together for 6 years (married for 3 of them) and we have a 8 month old baby. Our relationship has always been very up and down but when I was pregnant our relationship was fantastic, I was so happy (and as far as I am aware so was he).
As soon as our baby was born my husband's behavior completely changed. He went from being very excited for the baby to arrive to claiming he was a shit dad, shouting and swearing in our babies face when the baby was crying, telling me he'd looked up adoption agencies... the list is endless. I knew this wasn't "normal" behaviour so made him go to the doctors when our baby was 6 weeks old. He walked out of his appointment with a prescription for anti depressants and having been told he has PND. I made him go back to the doctors and ask for counseling/therapy which he did get.
I think I was completely naive but I thought he would be better and this would all go away in a few months. It didn't.
Things just got worse and worse. I tried to be supportive and helpful but tbh I found this very hard to do as I couldn't "pat him on the back" and say all was going to be ok, when he was standing shouting at the baby saying that the baby wasn't worth the effort.
I then tried to be the logical one and tried to help him understand that babies do just cry sometimes (apparently our baby was naughty and needed to learn its wrong to cry).
I then got to the point of horrid wife, nothing he did was right and I damn well let him know it as I was sick of doing everything for baby on my own and having to spoon fed him how to do it as well. (FYI- he got so stressed with the baby in the night that I made him sleep in the spare room since baby was 1 month old and he has never helped in the night).
A few months back (after months of horrendous arguing) I went for a night out and husband confided in my mum that he wanted to kill himself. To cut a long story short, she rung the NHS, paramedics came and took him for a psychiatric evaluation, and they said he has depression and anxiety. He then went to stay with his parents for a few days, and he hasn't moved back in since (he is staying on a friends sofa). This was 3 months ago.
Now I am sure I sound like an awful wife who isn't being loving a supportive but I simply can't/ don't want to. To hear the man I loved say simply unforgivable things about our baby, its like the love died instantly. My problem is I think I want to leave and legally separate but at the same time I don't know what I actually think.
I loved him (before the baby), but I hate this man he is now.
I know he has been diagnosed with depression and so has not done any of this maliciously but to me it still doesn't change the fact that he has done this.
I feel things have gone too far. We hardly talk and when we do we argue. We are having counseling as a couple to try and be civil but it does not seem to be working.
We have a mortgage together, and I am very aware of the fact that if we seperate we have to sell the house and it bothers me that I worked so hard to get a mortgage yet now may not get one again. If we were renting I am 99.99% sure I'd move on and not look back.
I have horrid memories of my parents divorce and always swore I would never divorce if I had children.
In a nutshell, I am not sure if I am clinging on to the fairytale that could have been but is not going to happen now, OR if I am thinking oooh it would be exciting to move on and meet someone new OR I only want to stay with husband because I am scared of being alone and starting again and breaking up my babys family OR the simple fact that I still love him and want us to get through this.
Any help/advice/opinions will be very much appreciated.