Neighbours kid always in our garden

[curlytoes]

Sorry long post! Trying to give all the info.

My neighbours have a lovely boy aged 8. They don't seem to do much with him and most evenings, weekends and school holidays he climbs into our garden and hangs out with us. My DCs are 7, 5 and 3. Neighbour's DC was round for about 6 hours yesterday and has already been round for a few hours today. We ask him to go home when we're eating but as soon as my kids are playing he comes back.

He is a nice boy but having him over changes our family dynamic. My elder two seem to show off and push boundaries while my youngest gets left out much more. I feel like I have to work much harder supervising and sorting out disputes when he is round although his behaviour isn't at all bad.

I want to ask him to come round a lot less often but is this mean? His Mum once told me that he's never had a birthday party and doesnt have many friends. We are often in our garden and do lots out there with our kids, gardening, craft, sports etc. We have a sandpit, trampoline, swings etc. This boy always seems to be alone and bored. I think if we ask him not to come round he will be stood the other side of the fence watching us.

I feel cross with his parents for putting us in this situation. I hardly ever see his parents. We've never had any problems with them other than this but we're not matey at all.

By the way, I don't think we're annoying anyone with our garden high jinks! We're lucky to have a long, private garden. We have no 'real' neighbours in the traditional sense. There are three houses on another street that have long gardens too, which run at 90 degrees to ours and meet our garden in an L shape. It's hard to explain but basically our garden is at least 100 feet from anyone elses house and screened by trees and hedges so I don't think our fun is too bothersome for anyone. 'Neighbour' boy goes to the end of his long garden and jumps through at the end of our garden.

So any advice? Am I horrid not to want him round so much? Should I just send him back repeatedly or try to talk to his folks? Should I be more welcoming?

This is a tough one.

You are kind of U and NU at the same time.

You aren't U for not wanting to basically run a playgroup for the 'hood.

(though I'm firmly on the side of open-door police with dd's friends means I don't have to get involved in the glittery shit element of parenthood, that's what other children are invited round for )

but.....the family dynamics thing is not part of your "problem" with this child. A 3 yr old (however handy it might be for his/her parents for the older 2 to include him/her) is never going to be accepted as part of a group of older kids, or at least isn't going to be tolerated for long. The age difference between 8,7 and 3 is just too much. And the older children shouldn't be expected to tbh.

All things considered, what do your 2 older children think? If they don't want kiddo from next door, then fine. If they do, that's fine too.

Acid test, ask your 7 yr old if he wants to play with his 3 yr old brother, or kiddo from next door.

7 year old would definitely say he would prefer to play with the older boy from next door. However there's less than 2 years between him and DC2 and then 18months between DC2 and DC3 so I wouldn't say big age gaps. When it's just the three of them they potter about together very happily and quite calmly. When our neighbours DC is round it's a bit like a playdate. A lot more hyper! Fun for them but I find it hard work when it's so often.

Also I would be happier with an open door policy if it worked both ways but DD1 got invited over to the neighbours a couple of times when they first moved in. The last time he went he played at throwing rocks at the broken glass in their garden and came home with an empty whiskey bottle. For that, and a few other reasons, he is not allowed into their garden now.

I think I would invest in a secure fence.

I did look into the cost of better fencing but it was too expensive. My husband wants to make a fence out of old pallets but I think that might look rubbish. Technically that boundary is the neighbours job. We have already asked them to sort it out a bit as they also had a massive dog who used to come over to ours a lot too. I think they might have got rid of the dog. He seems to have vanished.

I'd go round and say to the neighbour you'd rather her son didn't keep letting himself into your garden.

Toughie. I think I'd start having something called "family time" say for at least a few hours each weekend. When the boy comes over tell him it's family time until 3pm or whatever and he needs to go back. If he spends his time staring over the wall, then that's sad but you can't be expected to have him at yours all the time. If you want to go and talk to the parents about it, then fine, but tbh an 8 year old will accept that explanation for what it is.

I'm angry with the parents though. I have an only ( not through choice) and I go out of my way to ensure that he has friends over on a regular basis, luckily our neighbours boy is an only as well so they live out of each other's houses. Why on earth has he never had a party? He is obviously happy in other children's company, so even if he had no special friends they just invite all the class or at least all of the boys. It sounds like they just couldn't be bothered with him.

is the kid from next door an only and lonely child? the kids in my village play out in the street so it doesn't happen much here with the garden thing but maybe he genuinely enjoys the company and friendship of your older 2

Meant to say DS1 not DD1 above if that matters.

Might go round rollonthesummer. I'm a bit of a chicken with that sort of thing and I don't want to give the impression that her son has been naughty or anything because apart from nearly moving in with us he's a sweetie.

I don't mind him coming over a bit but if it were me and my kids had played with someone else all Saturday then I'd expect that that person/ family might want a bit of time to themselves on Sunday. I don't want a hard and fast rule just a bit more reasonableness but that's quite hard to define isn't it?

Like the 'family time' explanation thank you. It's nice and simple and not rude.

Mum next door said her son hasn't ever had a party because she works full time and doesn't have time for it. He also doesn't have friends round because she hasn't got time. I think she assumes DH and I don't work, or don't work very much, because we do shifts. It probably seems like we're home a lot when in fact we're often out to work later that same day. I don't know if that's why she kind of thinks we owe it to her to look after her DS.

I would say after-school til tea time, fine - but on weekends you want to have family time. I'd speak to the mum and say while you're happy for him to come over after school, you need space/time as a family at the weekend.

Wow - how much time does it take to ring up the soft play, book a slot and email out an invite. Poor boy, some people shouldn't be parents if they aren't prepared to put in any effort at all.

But it's not your fault or problem. If you have him round say 2 evenings a week and most of one weekend day then that's enough to be enjoyable for DS1 but not overwhelming. Even with our neighbours DS, when DS has a pal over or the neighbour's boy has someone over the rule is that they should play with that friend not each other - it's good to have a variety of friends.

I wouldn't want him round every day after school either!

It's a difficult one. I'm happy to pick up DDs friend's after school for play/food when I know their parents have something on, or if they need time for appointments, and vice versa.

Agree with fledermaus, that after school is fine but weekend is family time. The parents might want a break themselves, but unfair to assume you'll be ok to do it all the time.

That is a nightmare. I have 3 DC's one a baby and ebf. We have neighbours children going the same en masse. It's too much. My partner works away for weeks on end,so it falls on me to be refereeing other peoples children whilst they try and trample in and out my house.
I've had to put an end to it,as quite often the children weren't politely knocking on the door,but peering through the lounge window,where I'm breast feeding a baby.
I explained to my eldest son who's 6, why this couldn't happen anymore, and just answer the door saying they aren't playing for one reason or another.
I feel mean on my DC's as I'm stopping them developing friendships. But ultimately I cannot do it all on my own.
Luckily,so far my children have understood and are happy to play with each other.
It was easier for me to nip it in the bud as I would go to the door before my kids had seen them. Perhaps set a time limit which you can explain as soon as he hops over. Tell him he can stay for an hour but then you've got plans together.
It's difficult as I would feel mean on the neighbours child but it isn't your responsibility to entertain him all day.

I think the poster mentioned softplay because it's an easy way to do a party even if you work full time because you don't have to do anything. Presumably your children have had some sort of party at some point?

I'm not saying it has to be a soft play party usualsuspectt.

I'm just trying to make the point that it's not that hard to organise some sort of birthday celebration for a small boy involving other DCs. It could just be them running around in the garden at the house. I'm sure that you have celebrated your DCs birthdays.

I think the difference here Derek is that it is not reciprocal.

I don't count the time the kids are in our garden/house vs our neighbours either because I know that DS is welcome in their house, but if he wasn't then I'd be less welcoming.

Granted the OPs DS1 didn't cover himself in glory when he was allowed to play there , but any normal parent would feel extremely guilty that they had effectively outsourced their child and were unwilling to reciprocate in any way whatsoever.

I'd tell the lad and your eldest two that next door boy won't be allowed over if they keep leaving out your younger child and don't stop showing off /being too boisterous and pair that with some family time.