Discuss it or keep silent?

[GotAnotherQuestion]

My SIL was very enthusiastic about her and my brother going abroad with me and my family (husband and two DC).

But behind closed doors she said she wanted to have a holiday without us, so that their new baby could have the first holiday abroad with just their own family.

They failed to tell me this, so I was excited about going abroad for many months until I learned they'd booked already, without us.

My DH refuses to go by ourselves. I suspect he just doesn't fancy it but he's saying it's due to worrying over how much hard work it is with young children. The only way he would agree to it was if someone else came with us.

I have been really angry with my SIL for her two-faced ness. I spoke to my brother and could see he felt terrible, caught between his wife and his sister. He tried to invite us on their holiday retrospectively but I don't want to be an unwanted gooseberry so declined. He then tried to make up for it by booking a second holiday which would include us, but we can't get the time off and DH has lost the will to organise anything.

I see my brother an SIL quite regularly and have been really affected by this. I feel caught between talking to her about it (saying how let down I feel that she pretended one thing but felt another; and couldn't be honest to me about it).

It's really change my relationship with her as I don't trust anything she says!

Would you mention it or just try to let it go and let sleeping dogs lie?

Do you think it would be possible to have a decent relationship again or is it going to be stupidly artificial now?

Actually as I type this I am realise it probably wasn't that decent in the first place or she wouldn't have been so artificial in her enthusiasm. I suppose I am speaking of my reaction to her - I was always genuine and now feel I have to mirror her behaviour and be aloof and artificial with her back.

WWYD?

You know op, you ask what would you do, well tbh, I think I would look very carefully at my relationship with dh and have a frank and honest talk with him. Because he's not considering your wants and needs at all, and he is being pretty selfish here. You're disappointed and I totally get why you are. But would you still be feeling so angry at sil if your dh had agreed to go away anyway?

Sorry but I also think you are over-reacting.

They are allowed to go on holiday by themselves. Yes they should have been more open with you, but it sounds like they didn't feel as though they could and then it all just got awkward.
I don't understand why you would let something like this spoil your relationship with them.

And if your DH would go on holiday with you and your kids, then I don't think you would be as annoyed with your SIL. She is receiving the brunt of your blame and upset, when it is really your DH being a prat.

In your position I would work on your DH

Appreciate your honesty and understanding. I will take that all I to consideration.

As for trying to deal with DH, he knows how I feel but also knows I don't drag prisoners around with me in life either.

a holiday away with two small kids is hard work. Maybe you'd feel more refreshed after a break away on your own.

what does that mean "i don't drag prisoners around with me". I don't understand that. You mean, he is no albatross around your neck? or that either of you is free to leave ? (obviously i have heard some expressions but not all of them!)

Keep no prisoners as in not dragging around unwilling victims

Maybe you sil has realised that your DH won't pull his weight and it'll end up being her and you doing all the work with the kids while then "men" take it easy.

Had you had more than one conversation about it?

I'm not getting how it's got to this stage without you not realising it wasn't going to happen. I've been on many holidays with extended families and it takes months of organisation and discussion eg picking type of holiday, where to go, budget, hotel or villa, a period of time when everyone can take time off work (this is the major pain in the arse), deciding who's going to book the flights, flight times/airports, car hire/transfers if needed, paying deposits, discussions about what you want to do while you're there, spending money, the list is endless. Arranging a holiday with others apart from your immediate family takes a LOT of detailed discussions at various stages. I'm assuming you haven't done all this and then suddenly they've said "actually we've changed our minds," because that would be quite mean.

If it's just that there has been a general conversation months ago along the lines of "anyone fancy going on holiday together next year?" with everyone enthusiastic, but then NO PRACTICAL ARRANGEMENTS ARE DISCUSSED EVER AGAIN then YABU. You'd have to be a bit dim if you haven't realised that the joint holiday was only an idea that had been bandied about and wasn't going to actually happen.

I think I am just bitterly disappointed. I'm accustomed to DH sticking his heels in but relied on people around me to be different.

I think the above is very important - it's almost as if you are used to your dh being awkward and expect others to compensate for this but that is not what they want to do. I also think it's a bit weird that you thought the joint holiday was going to happen without further discussion with your brother and sister in law.

Did your SIL feel a bit backed into a corner with the rest of the families enthusiasm and couldn't back out?

My DH used to be like this with his brother and wife, making excited plans without consulting me. They would take my silence as an assumption of positive affirmation! Then later I'd tell my husband how I really felt.

I'm one of the people who needs time to think over decisions. Perhaps she is too. I think the ils in your case have bent over backwards to come up with other solutions. I think you should just leave it now. People are also entitled to change their minds.

I think your main disappointment is with the fact you are having no holiday. And that's not your inlaws fault.

Your husband is making ridiculous excuses. Plenty of single parents go on holiday with their kids. Pick a Holiday Village or resort with loads of activities or a good crèche to give you a good break. Mark Warner for example.

I took my 3 year old DS to the Maldives for three weeks when my DH was away with the MOD for 9 months. We had a blast. Best holiday ever.

If my DH ever said something like that the next communication from me would be a postcard!

You couldn't pay me to go away with someone like your DH.

Do you really blame your SIL for not wanting to?

No - I'm not that dim!

Initial discussion was verbally agreed by everyone present (both couples).

Further communication was to pin down dates.

Next there were several discussions over where to book. Their budget was tighter than ours so money wasn't discussed.

Finally the bombshell: oh we've gone ahead and booked it for just ourselves.

I'm accustomed to him sticking his heels in but never had a situation with refusing to go on holiday without other people.

No one has to compensate, other than myself. Believe it or not I am quite good company and can see why there would have been appeal in the beginning.

Don't forget the leaning on others is purely psychological and doesn't actually happen, it's almost as it DH was getting Dutch courage from the idea that it's not just us on our own.

It's ridiculous to expect your brother and Suster inlaw to help out with YOUR kids on a Holiday!!!

Why are you asking if you don't care what anyone else thinks and you still blame your SIL?

Shine - please read properly!

I said they WOULDN'T have been doing anything but that it was a figment of my husbands imagination that was somehow giving him the oomph to agree to the holiday.

Garlic why do you think I have disregarded?

Did you not read yesterday where I thanked people in a few posts?

You seem to be looking to others to plaster over the cracks in your own relationship. I don't want to pile in as I'm sure it must feel quite hurtful reading all these responses, but so many women I know get angry with anything and everything before they'll finally face the real problem, their DH.

It really is between you and him now to sort out holiday arrangements. Please don't let this minor upset cause major fallout. It isn't her fault that you're in this situation (and if it is, why let your DB off the hook?).

Hope you get it sorted and get away somewhere nice.

I think it was rude of your SIL and your DB not to tell you about their change of plans.

But it is your husband's fault you are not going on holiday, not theirs.

How many DC do you have? Could you book to take them away on your own? Let your husband know that is what you intend to do, and invite him to come, or not, as he prefers.