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Original poster

What would you do with this guilty secret?

26 replies

WorryWarrier · 13/05/2014 15:43

Every day I carry a guilty secret from DH and I can't forgive myself.
To cut a long story short, DH have been together since I was 18 and I am now in my 30's (he is still the only person I have been with), but we had a break 4 years into our relationship because I wanted to experience going on dates with other people (and DH at the time was not the most partner!) There was one particular guy I liked and DH knew of this when I broke up with him. I went on a couple of dates with this other fellow and kissed him. It didn't progress beyond that and DH and I got back together shortly after -eventually married and had kids. But he doesn't know that I have actually kissed this guy.
The mortifying thing is, they have now become close acquaintances and really like each other, and all the other people in our group of friends know about the kiss and DH does not (only that I used to fancy him but he knows I do not in the slightest now).
I know I have been dishonest and a bad person and DH should have the opportunity to know about it and make his own decision; but I also know it would hurt and humiliate DH, break us up, break our friendship group.
Wwyd in this position-would you own up to the guilty secret, or keep it buried?

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 13/05/2014 15:48

The guilty secret is that you kissed a man many years ago when you weren't in a relationship with your now husband? And he knew that you had broken up with him to date other people and that you were attracted it this man? Why would he be even slightly surprised that you had kissed the other man? I'd be amazed if he was. It seems like you have made something fairly trivial into something massive in your head. Why on earth would it split you up?

walsalllinguist · 13/05/2014 15:48

it isn't a guilty secret, it's a kiss when you were not together and not anything to do with anyone but you. It would look very odd suddenly announcing it, and it would just be hurtful. I would just forget it if I were you. Which I am not, obviously, but FWIW....

Twitterqueen · 13/05/2014 15:49

Oh for goodness sake! Your name is worthy of your post.
if all you have to worry about is a kiss, then really, you have NOTHING to worry about.
You were on a break, a kiss is just a kiss

This worries me: "I know I have been dishonest and a bad person ..."

Repeat after me "I am NOT a bad person" 20 times a day
Tell your DH and then forget it!

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Relationship problems
Eminybob · 13/05/2014 15:57

It was only a kiss, nothing to be worried about and if your DH already knew you fancied him I'd say it would be no biggie.

The only issue is that you have kept it from him, and he may feel upset if he hears it from someone else, or if you have actively lied previously and said you've not kissed him.

I'd mention it in passing to your DH, maybe even I'm a jokey way, 'oh me and X had a bit of a snog when you and I were split up lol how embarrassing' kind of thing, just to pre empt anyone else mentioning it before you do.

Original poster
WorryWarrier · 13/05/2014 16:07

Thanks to all of you who have replied.

I do agree that if it was just a kiss with an insignificant random then i would be able to forgive myself. What makes it worse is everyone knowing about it. For example, I have been at a wedding when DH and this fellow have been chatting, and I have caught a glimpse at DH's friends shaking their heads in disapproval in my direction. And I have actually said to another of DH's friends on another occasion how much I liked his new partner. He gave a passive aggressive response 'well she is loyal and I trust her'. Clearly aimed at me. I am thinking perhaps they think more happened than actually did?

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 13/05/2014 16:35

Do you generally have problems with anxiety? There is absolutely no reason to think those incidents relate to an ancient kiss when you weren't in a relationship. It's your own excessive anxiety about the issue that is making you think that.

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow · 13/05/2014 16:35

These "friends" sound rather holier than thou if you ask me. I'm betting they are the ones making it seem like a huge deal in your mind.

Pheonixisrising · 13/05/2014 19:18

To be honest your husband probably just assumed you kissed him
It's no big deal

PeaceLillyDoge · 13/05/2014 19:20

The issue here is your anxiety, not the fact that you kissed a bloke when you and your DH were on a break.

Have you spoken to anyone about your anxiety?

scarletforya · 13/05/2014 19:23

I really think you're imagining people's disapproval Op.

Really.

littlesupersparks · 13/05/2014 19:26

I'm sure your husband assumes you kissed him! He possibly thinks you did more! I'm absolutely certain he doesn't care because a) he would have asked you and b) he wouldn't be friends with this guy he knew you had probably dated if it bothered him.

Don't waste your time worrying about it.

winnertakesitall · 13/05/2014 19:28

The 'friends' sound like arses. I'd just tell your DH- and it isn't a big deal. You had a smooch whilst you guys were on a break- it didn't go any further, you don't fancy the guy, but you're pleased that they're mates. It's been niggling you, and you just wanted it out in the open. Then move on. If he's a normal sort of guy, he'll look at you blankly, shrug his shoulders and continue with life as normal!!!

littlegreengloworm · 13/05/2014 19:30

Ah it was only a kiss honestly you are causing yourself so much unnecessary worry.

littlegreengloworm · 13/05/2014 19:32

:)

What would you do with this guilty secret?
ScouseBird8364 · 13/05/2014 19:35

Your guilty secret is a kiss? Hmm Jesus, good job you're not carrying mine around BlushConfused

littlegreengloworm · 13/05/2014 19:37

I have done worse, I had a but if a friends with benefits (without the friends bit ) Blush for a year or so. Girl started at work. She's engaged to him ( I'm happily married and this was a long time ago )

Turns out it was to this 'friend' of mine. She tells me all about them, ask me for dinner. I know I'm very straight laced and she would never think I was like that before I married. I keep turning down things she invites me to. I have to pretend I have never met him and they've been dating for years and I'm sure he hasn't been faithful.

You were on a break !!!!!

Playdoughcaterpillar · 13/05/2014 19:44

You are blowing this out of all proportion.
You were not unfaithful and it was years ago. I would also think your DH assumes you did at least that much with him.
Chill out! Forget it!

AnandaTimeIn · 13/05/2014 20:50

OMG

A kiss? Is all you have to confess to?

LOL

I think the saying is Get a grip!

Floggingmolly · 13/05/2014 21:06

Your friends sound bananas, frankly. Even if they think more did happen, what of it?

Your claim that if your DH knew about it, it would break you up and break up your friendship group (what???) sounds like extreme anxiety talking. If you can't just shrug this off yourself you really need to ask for help.

birdsflying · 14/05/2014 15:15

I agree with what everybody else has said. I can understand how you feel however.. I feel like there's a reason it didn't go any further with this man and why you got back with your partner. It was something meaningless.

We all dream of dating again..The excitement and attention. My friend drives me crazy when I hear all the stories and I go out with her.

At the end of the day. It didn't go further... You got back with the hubby. Don't worry about it and put it behind you. Your friends seem like children to me acting like that, they clearly don't understand relationships.

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2014 15:18

Seriously forget about it. What you do when single is up to you and none of his business or your friends tbh

MummyNellie123 · 14/05/2014 21:14

lol....if this is your guilty secret then I envy you.

I am living with one which kills me every day.....but u learn to live with it and take every bad thing that comes as atonement

Brabra · 15/05/2014 21:08

Your husband knew you liked this man when you broke up? I would guess that he thinks you probably had sex with him, but I doubt it bothers him because, you know, you weren't together.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2014 21:12

Are you getting any psychological help with your anxiety ? This is not normal.

Original poster
WorryWarrier · 15/05/2014 21:41

No but clearly I need to!

It just feels so underhand when I turn up to weddings, parties, etc etc with my husband and everyone knows apart from my husband.

I will draw a line under it and move on.

Thanks for giving me a good shake Smile

OP posts: