Need some relationship advice. Adult content. What would you do?

[VioLetsMum1]

I met my boyfriend/ex (I have no idea what to call him at this point) last year on a dating website. He's great with my daughter and its great when all three of us are together, he's the perfect man. But then when we're on our own, we're like two strangers stuck in a room together. When we're out in public, just us two he finds it funny to humiliate me in front of others. He told me his ex wasn't too impressed by it either. He took me to Paris for Valentines Day but spent the entire weekend calling me frigid because I wouldn't 'suck him off' on the ferris wheel or have sex in public places in broad daylight with people and kids around. If we walked past someone he's start calling me slut or in a really loud voice and then when I got upset he'd just call me boring. He came round a few weeks ago and dumped me. Made up some stuff about moving away and not ready to settle down. In that time I got chatting to this guy. We never did anything in those few weeks just talked about stuff and found out we only live 5 mins away from each other. Sunday bf/ex tells me he needs to meet up and discuss a few things. When I get there he talks about how he made a mistake and wants to now build a future with his 'two favourite girls'. I said I had to think about it but told him to come the next night and we could discuss things. That evening, guy i've been chatting to turns up at the door with bottle of wine in hand and we hangout. Things ended up going further, somehow I don't even know what I was thinking. Logged onto fb later and discover bf/ex has put he's in a relationship with me. Then I get a text off him saying I know what you've been doing the past few hours and if your smart you'll know how I know. Apparently he'd been stalking me and been hidden outside my house for hours. He came round the next night and said he understood and just wanted to be apart of it. That we could start having an open relationship if thats what I wanted. I ended up having a breakdown and self harming. He wouldn't stop talking about other guys and trying to get me to say that I wanted to do stuff to them. He ended up taking me to the bedroom and I just led there and let it happen. He kept trying make me describe to him everything me and other man did and how I felt. I just wanted to punch him in the face. Then after he said you do realise now I can't trust you, I will have to start keeping my eye on you. I'm a bit of a stalker you know. He demanded my phone and read every single message on there, even the ones to family and friends. We went to sleep and he got on with it when the mood took him during the night. I just led there again. He left this morning and I texted and said I couldn't do this and I didn't want contacting me again or coming to the house. He said he might have to come in because he left DVD's there that he wanted back. I left them by the back door for him to pick up but when he came he wouldn't stop ringing the door bell and texting me talking about how hard he's trying and he just wants a perfect future with us, that we just need to talk about it and learn from it. Then he started talking about how bad of a mother I was just to go sleep with someone I wasn't in a relationship with. He accused me of sleeping with loads of other people and said I was just swapping him for a bunch of people that are just going to hurt me. He keeps talking about hard he's trying for us and he just made a few mistakes. Now i'm wavering as to let him back in or not. I made the excuse that I was going to have a nap and needed some time to think but now I don't know what to do. My instincts are telling me to get far away from this man as I possibly can but then he talks about how he just wants the best for us and my heart melts a little. My friends think he's a pyscho and I need to get out now. But i'm the one that slept with someone isn't it just my fault he's acting like this? Am I overreacting to a man who just wants to love us?

He doesn't want the best for you - he wants to control and abuse you and your dd. It's easy to say he wants the best for you but he doesn't - unless it happens to co-incide with what he wants.

You didn't ever say that you were in a relationship with him - he put that on his fb. He'd dumped you. You're allowed to sleep with other people if you want to - as you weren't in a relationship with him at the time. And he was stalking you - very crazy and serious.

You say that he took you to the bedroom and you just laid there and let him get on with it. Wanting to punch him in the face doesn't sound like you wanted to be there at all - might be worth talking to Rape Crisis and getting their advice. And then talking to the police and reporting him - certainly for stalking, harrassment and I'd be tempted to say, from what you've described, rape. At least talk to the police and get their advice on it.

This was heartbreaking to read. Read it back and think about what you would be thinking if it was just a random MN thread you'd read rather than one that you'd written... You wouldn't be telling them to believe the man, you'd be jumping up and down saying get away from him asap and don't look back.

If he's treating you like this now, imagine how much worse it will get if you spend more time with him - he'll start to demand that he looks at your phone all the time, or want sex whenever he wants regardless of what you want - at home and in public places (and at some point if he starts to hurt you then you might just give in just like you did earlier as it was the easiest way out of the situation ...

This man has done nothing to show that he loves you and everything by his actions to show that he wants to have power over you, dominate you and control you (and if he is doing this to you then your dd will see and think that this is a normal way for a man to treat a woman. and one day maybe he'll move onto controlling her life, even if not sexually, but if he's already talking about you both and he sees that he wants to control you then why wouldn't he want to have power over her life too?)

sorry lots of random thoughts. but look after yourself!

Why do you feel compelled to write back?

"Father" to your dd? How old is she?

You don't have to reply to him, and it's best if you don't get into conversation with you. He'll only make you doubt your instincts, and your instincts are there fore a very good reason!

Sorry, cross posted as I got interrupted writing this.

Glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks that he raped you. (glad's not the right word given the context but I can't think of how to put it better, hopefully you get what i mean). Please talk to somebody about this - even the fact that he has done this and you think that you just had to take it just because he'd put on fb that you were in a relationship even though he had dumped you previously...

He's telling you that other people are going to hurt you so stay with him - but you have already given him more than one chance and he has already hurt you badly in so many different ways. It's very easy for him to say nice things - and you're a nice person so you want to believe what he says because you say things that are true and assume others have your high standards. But he doesn't - he has just worked out what to say to manipulate you

take a deep breath, and keep as far away from him as possible

I would reply once - tell him never ever to contact you again. Then I would report him to the police for rape. I would suggest the Freedom Programme but think you need more than that. Can you see your GP and get referred for some counselling.

He's a fucking psycho and a rapist to boot. Do you think he'll be a lovely daddy to your DD? Really?

Please call the police op, you have been treated dreadfully and you don't deserve it (whatever you may secretly believe on that subject).

I feel worried on your behalf, please make yourself safe.