Need to make a decision

[veryconfused1980]

I am 34 in a few months, I've been in a very stable and happy relationship for 4.5 years, we own a house and both have great/well paid jobs.... Life is great! My issue is that someone once told me that after the age of 35 your chances of having a child with disabities are greatly increased. I'm panicking that if I leave it much longer then it will be too late but I don't have a burning desire to have children yet. Will I be happy not having children or regret the decision to not have them for the rest of my life?

Has anyone been through this and got any advice?

Hey're definitely overdoing it with the "greatly"

Yes, there is an increase in difficulties in conceiving, miscarriage rate and anomaly rate as you age. But it's a gradual decline, not a sudden falloff the cliff. That said, if you want children, putting it off indefinitely isn't sensible either.

Have you spoken to your DP about whether/when DC might be the plan?

Thanks. Yes we have spoken about it for a couple of years now but never come to a decision. Does it ever feel like the right time?

Just as a guide, I had DS when I was 34. My risk of downs was 1:200,000 or there abouts. I'm currently pregnant with DC2 aged 37. The risk of downs this time around is 1:1840. It's a very personal example, and the risk is still low, but it's really concentrated my mind about the changes that happen as you get older.

You need to know you want kids, but in my experience, it never feels completely 'right'. There's no great time to bugger up your career and finances (but in my opinion it's worth it!).

Thank you, that's very interesting. When can you be checked for chances of downs though? Can it be done before you start trying or just once you are pregnant?

No, it's at your 12 week scan, a combination of blood test and nuchal fold thickness. Lots of women my age will have had lower risk tests, but the fact that for me the risk has risen so dramatically was interesting/scary.

I see, sorry if I'm asking silly questions. I hadn't realised the difference a few years can make.

I was 33 when I had my daughter and 37 when. Had my son. I have plenty of friends who have had babies in their late 30 's.
I suppose there s a slightly higher chance of difficulties with conception and birth defects but it's not huge.

If it were me I would be less worried about the risks of abnormalities and more worried about the relative increase in difficulty conceiving at all after 35. Obvs it's not impossible; plenty of ppl do, but I understand that to be more of a 'cliff edge' effect after 35. And in my own life I know 4 or 5 couples who are really struggling and being made very unhappy.

I wouldn't be so arrogant as to tell someone they'll 'regret it later' if they don't start trying now for a baby they don't currently want. Only you can decide that. Even if you were generally happy in your decosion you might have occasional twinges of 'if only....' but, to be fair, not necesaarily more than those with kids think the same about not having them

So whilst I can't advise you on what you (both) want, I would try to separate out wanting a child in principle from feeling 'the time is right'. As someone said upthread, the latter is harder to get right but matters much less.

I started TTC when I was 30. DS was born when I was 36. Unlucky - yes - but it still happened.

do you want to have a child one day? do you imagine yourself in 10 years time with a child (or two or three)? If the answer is yes, then start a conversation with your DH and go for it.

There is never a perfect time to start ttc or to have a baby, but it can take time (and is more likely to take time as you get older). So better to start sooner than wait and be disappointed.