Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

My Mum has said she wants no further contact with me

18 replies

ejvs · 28/01/2014 23:38

I would be interested in other peoples experiences or views. My Mum moved down from Yorkshire to Hampshire 2 weeks before my DD due date. I had not asked her to do this but it would be her first Grandchild and she was not taking no for an answer. She lived about 9 miles from us and was constantly coming round. My partner and I split when my DD was 2yrs as he refused to get a job and I had to work full time with PND. Before the split my Mum looked after my daughter whilst my partner "looked" for a job. I paid my Mum some money each month to cover petrol etc. I suppose I just let this happen as I thought it would be nice for my mum and her husband to spend time with her grandaughter! When my partner and I split I moved closer to mum who lived across town and she became my daughters carer when I was working or my DD was not at nursery. my partner has never contributed to my DD upbringing and therefore I had to work full time. In time my daughter started school and Mum would pick her up and take her to her various activities. During the day she would come round when I was at work to do housework. I had never asked here to do this but she likes to keep busy. She has actually taken over much of my life and feels that herself and me are interchangeable in my daughters view, ie we are both equally her mother!! She would tell me how to look after her and what I "needed" to do in order to care for my DD! Most of the time I would just hold my tongue. As added info, she had not talked to my Brother for about 7 years because he had disrespected her!? and she had lost friends and alienated family members who no longer speak to her. I have now met someone and we recently bought a house together moving about 8 miles from my mum. My partner has no children but is great with my DD who is now 5yrs old and in turn she loves him very much. I have become more independent with the help of my new partner and basically my mum feels her nose has been pushed out of joint! My partner has now been offered a job in Jersey and my DD and myself are going to go with him. my Mum is "gutted" and all she can talk about is how it is going to affect her! She says she cannot be happy for me. She has decided to move back to Yorkshire as there is nothing here for her anymore. Then this weekend I called her to see how she was and she told me she had been waiting for me to call, she then went on to say that she did not want me anywhere near her house ever again and I was not to call her ever again, she was finished with me and would soon be gone ( back up north I think..) Part of me is relieved as she is such a difficult woman who is very bitter about life and what has happened to her in the past, 3 failed marriages and not quite where she wants to be in life. She has no interests or friends because she will not make the effort and feels like life owes her! I can't quite believe she would cut off her only granddaughter and I don't quite know what to do next. She is exhausting and controlling and I maybe better off without her but I feel guilty even though I have done nothing wrong! I have had counselling before about my relationship with her and to try and deal with the constant guilt she makes me feel. Would it be acceptable to no longer talk to her and no longer contact her ,as she has requested. advice and thoughts very gratefully received. Huge post and thank you for reading!

OP posts:
TamerB · 29/01/2014 07:13

She is using emotional blackmail- don't give in to it.
Fast forward, would you do this to your daughter if she settles down with a family and wants to move to another part of the country or emigrate? I bet not because you would want her to be happy and not torn.
Go off to Jersey. Just tell her that you are really sorry she feels that way, you and your DD will miss her and you hope that she will keep contact and come to Jersey for holidays.
After a while you could write her a letter and thank her for all her help and explain how vital it was at the time. Say again that you are hoping she will contact or visit and you will always welcome her in the future.
The choice is then hers. If she chooses to cut herself off you need to accept that it is her problem.

ejvs · 29/01/2014 16:59

Thank you TamerB, very sound advice. I think writing to her after a while would be a good idea and I think I will let the dust settle. I have just told my daughter that grandma and Mummy have had a falling out. My daughters father has reacted predictably in a similar negative way but I sort of expected that. I would be really happy for my daughter if she had struggled like I have for the past 5 years to provide for her child and an opportunity came along to greatly improve her quality of life, I would tell her to go for it!
On a more positive not I was able to hand my notice in today at work! something I have dreamt of.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
AlfAlf · 29/01/2014 18:11

Has she ever done anything like this to you before?
You must be shocked and saddened :(
It sounds like your mum cuts off anyone who doesn't dance to her tune, very all or nothing, which doesn't leave you with much choice. You are right that if you love someone you should be happy for them when life turns around and they have the chance to make positive changes; Your mum clearly preferred it when you were dependant on her for things.

I think you need to give yourself time to absorb all this before you make any decisions or get back in touch. You don't sound angry in your op, but that will probably come when the hurt and shock have sunk in. She has done this to your little dd as well, that's really not fucking fair :(

TamerB · 29/01/2014 18:47

I would definitely let the dust settle. Do your move. When you are organised in your new life send her a letter, thanking her and saying how much you appreciated the help. Say it makes you sad to have cut contact and she is very welcome to come and stay, and you really hope that she will. Say that even if she isn't ready yet she can always change her mind in the future and you are always happy to hear from her. You have done as much as you can then- just go with her decision- and try not to feel guilty.

Idespair · 29/01/2014 18:55

I'm not surprised your mum is gutted about your move. That part is fair enough. She has taken a huge role in your dd's upbringing and now she won't be able to.

She has got cross about the move and is being unreasonable now.

I would just consider really carefully whether your dp is for keeps because you are leaving a place where you have a lot of support, albeit a bit overbearing and angry support! Might get flamed for this but are you engaged to your dp and if not, why? You are making a sacrifice by moving and in your position, I'd like to have some assurances as it were. Perhaps your mum is worried this man may leave you and is reacting out of worry as well?

TamerB · 29/01/2014 18:58

It sounds to me like selfishness, going by her track record. My mother moved near me when I was a single parent. She was really pleased when I met someone else, even though it meant me moving away. She didn't use emotional blackmail.

TamerB · 29/01/2014 18:59

My son may go to NewZealand. I will be gutted but one thing is for sure- I won't say so!

ejvs · 29/01/2014 21:34

Idespair, I do agree and I understand why she is so upset. I just thought she would be more grown up about it as she had often talked about how nice it would be if I met someone and was able to take more responsibility for my home and daughter. My partner and I are serious about the future and we have discussed marriage and we are both agreed that is what we would like. I am just waiting for a proper proposal!! ;-)) I know I am giving up a lot but I feel I will be gaining more in quality of life and more time to spend with my daughter. I missed out on such a lot as she has been growing up and I am desperate to be more involved in her school work etc.
I think my mum relished being needed and I just don't need the sort of input she had before, that doesn't mean I don't love her or want her to be part of our lives as my mum and my daughters grandmother. The problem is she has no outside interests at all.
AlfAlf, I am really cross with her but I just don't rant too much. She does have major sulks when she doesn't get her own way. She sulked at Christmas which we hosted but she didn't say why till afterwards and then told me she had had a terrible Christmas and didn't want to spend it with us again.
Thank you all!

OP posts:
AlfAlf · 29/01/2014 23:24

I am cross on your behalf, it's a shitty thing to do to her daughter and grandchild. She sounds toxic/narcissistic... She may inadvertently be doing you a favour you know, she has been overshadowing you with her sulks and her need to control. You may be surprised how easy things are for you without her weighing you down.

On another note entirely, if I were you I'd expect a proper proposal from that partner of yours before you agree to go anywhere. I've been in a similar situation a long time ago (new man - now my dh!, dd1, moving away..) and you can't play it too safe when you have a small child to consider, any man worth his salt will understand that :)

dizhin79 · 30/01/2014 05:17

I agree I think letter contact is a really good way of not burning bridges and they can't be immediately responded to like texts / emails. I would keep writing to her even if you get no response say every couple of months with updates and pictures etc..

idobelieveinfairies · 30/01/2014 06:14

You have to think of your future now with DD and DP. I'd say move to Jersey. You'll love it here I'm sure! Lovely place to bring up children-so safe. The only thing is...it's expensive :/

Good luck!

:)

ejvs · 30/01/2014 13:06

Thank you all! I am reassured by all your coments and may I say, perhaps a little excited?? We are going to Jersey this weekend to have a look round and look at some houses to rent. My daughter was going to stay with her Dad but he bailed out at 6am this morning so we have booked her a ticket to come with us! very happy about that. I will be here for 3 mths working my notice and then will move over. I have decided that once we have a house in Jersey I will write to my Mum and let her have the address and say she is welcome to stay. (She will not get on a plane, but begining to realise that is her problem not mine...) AlfAlf, I am financially independant and I am lucky to have the proceeds of my old flat which I sold last year. This means that if the worst came to the worst and I needed to come back, I would have enough for a small deposit on a house for me and my daughter. I am not dependant on my partner but your thoughts have echoed mine recently and he knows exactly how I feel.
idobelieveinfairies, it sounds as if you are in Jersey. Any suggestions on where to live and primary schools to consider? We will be working in St Hellier.
Thank you

OP posts:
idobelieveinfairies · 31/01/2014 18:19

I am indeed! I work in a fabulous St.Helier primary school too!! ;) they are all fabulous schos here, you really can't go wrong.

It will depend on where you live as to which school you would be offered.

The outskirts of st Helier are a good idea...everything is then within walking distance (town, beach, parks, schools) which is lovely on such a small island.

If you have any questions that come up then please ask away :)

ejvs · 31/01/2014 21:35

Thanks idobelieveinfairies! We are here in Jersey now! My first visit!
Spoke to my Dad last night and told him about my Mum. He thinks I should just leave it now and wait to see if she gets in touch, he said at the end of their marriage, he just couldn't stand it and thought he was going to get injured! She feels she is not right in the head but I have tried to help her but I suspect she can't be helped because she does not feel her behaviour is abnormal! Interestingly my DD has not asked where Grandma is..... X

OP posts:
idobelieveinfairies · 31/01/2014 22:24

Oh dear! The weather hasn't been very welcoming today for you has it! I think tomorrow is meant to be a bit brighter!!

Your mum really should be excited for you and your exciting future! Hopefully she will come round..Jersey is a beautiful place for her to visit! I think you are doing the right thing about continuing with your plans.

Good luck with your searching!! :)

ejvs · 03/02/2014 19:12

Not sure if anyone is still following this thread but my mum has text me saying she wants to see my daughter. No please, no apology and I am still very angry and worried about what she may say to my daughter. I have decided not to let her just yet until I at least I get an apology or a discussion. Right or wrong?? Thanks

OP posts:
DameDeepRedBetty · 03/02/2014 19:19

You're right. Not nearly enough of that dust has settled yet.

capsium · 03/02/2014 19:25

Right.

You know your mother and I think you are correct to protect your daughter from anything she might say in anger.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page