MIL/FIL vs money

[Bibamassey79]

Hi there,

I'm looking for some advice, I don't feel I can talk to any of my friends or family, but need someone to give me their point of view.

I've been married for 2.5 years and I have a 6 month old ds, my husband can be a lovely man but can also be deeply selfish and if I'm honest I feel that he always puts himself first over me and ds.

We have a recurring argument over his parents, both of whom are generally unpleasant people, terrible parents to him and vile to me, MIL is manipulative (always cries if she's ever questioned on her behaviour) FIL has a very short fuse and just shouts his way out of situations. They have no respect for me whatsoever and I have never understood why, and dh always takes their side in arguments because he's terrified of losing them, I have no idea why, as my brother puts it, they are a waste of skin (sorry, sounds harsh, but even though they live 200 miles away they are in our lives daily so it seems!) They are the type of people who thinks the world owes them everything, both on benefits etc etc, not that I have an issue with that if it's deserved, in this case I'm not sure laziness can be counted as a disability. I'm from a hard working loving family, we all do quite well, but that's because that's how we were taught by our parents, dh seems to have picked up the lazy selfish world owes him a favour attitude.

There have been many many occasions where MIL and FIL have tried to cause trouble between us, a few examples of this are, a week before our wedding who was paying for their accommodation, us or my parents, we ended up telling them they needed to pay for their own but they didn't need to give us a wedding present. They contributed nothing financial in the end and nothing emotional either, they just turned up, then a week later bought a new TV because theirs was apparently a bit old. I had a m/c 2 years ago, they never contacted me to ask if I was ok, I had no contact when I was pregnant with ds either, but as soon as he was born they wanted to come here, so I let them, they didn't acknowledge me particularly, MIL never looks me in the eye and usually forgets my name, then they left (thankfully) More recently it was my birthday, they forgot, but rang on the day which they have never done for the previous 7 and MIL was forced onto the phone by FIL to talk to me, she clearly didn't want to so after 30 seconds I told her I'd put her son back on the line. Essentially they forgot my birthday but have decided to pretend they didn't and apparently sent a card a week ago and are mystified as to why it hasn't arrived yet.

I believe they remembered my birthday on the day and tried to rectify it, you might think this is ok, I don't and I strongly believe the reason for the call was that they had asked dh for a 4k loan the week before and he said he needed to talk it over with me before he could do it, so basically they were trying to butter me up. After 7 years of a campaign of nastyness on their behalf towards me they now want money because we have a nice house, cars and dh has a redundancy pay out.

The issue I have is that I have said I don't want dh to lend it to them because they are vile, they have no respect for me, can't be bothered with my ds (which I'm actually very glad about) and just see us a meal ticket. Unfortunately dh has decided that he will lend them the money because they are his parents and he can do what he wants. I see this as a total slap in the face for me, that he's saying it's ok to behave however they want towards me, they will still get what they want. dh refuses to have the loan put into writing (he already leant them 1k last year without telling me, which hasn't been paid back)

We argue about these people a lot and I try my hardest to be polite when we see them and I do this because I was brought up well and because I love my husband, but in return dh doesn't listen to my feeling on the matter and just says that they are his parents and if he wants to help them he will and I'll have to put up with it.

I don't think that's how marriage works, I think we need to agree on the decision and make it together and that my opinion is valid and in this situation right.

He refuses to have any of the loan terms put into writing and is just going to go ahead and transfer it.

I have to say we don't have a joint account, I have more money than he does and part of the reason for not joining accounts is his parents, I never want them to have a penny that I have worked for, they already criticise me for how much I work.

I'm just at a loss and I need outside input, even if I'm wrong I need to hear it from someone who isn't my dh and isn't shouting at me at the time and waking up ds, any help would be greatly received!

I think the problem you have is your DH-he needs to support you, communicate with you, and for you to make grow up joint decisions-& then stick to them.

You say he never does any of this, plus is lazy and fickle.

What do you get from this relationship?

It's not a loan, he is giving them money that they will never pay back.

If you keep your finances separate and you don't pay for anything together then it may not affect you if you both have plenty of money. Is it really his money he's giving away? Not house money, holiday money ?

Personally we share everything financially meaning that all decisions are taken together financially.

Thanks for replying, one of the main reasons I keep my money separate from his is the nagging feeling that I don't trust his family and what they'll ask for, there's a very dodgy financial past there and I don't want anything to do with it, dh has know this from the start. It's not so much that we have plenty of money, I'm self employed so I don't spend a lot I prefer to save, my issue is that I buy all of ds's clothes and pay the majority of the bills because dh has less than me and I don't like to ask him to contribute because I suppose I feel that if he could he would. I mentioned this last night and he went nuts and said that I was being unfair throwing that in his face and that if I asked for money then he'd of course give it to me, but every day he moans about how his savings are dwindling so I don't fee comfortable asking, plus he know how much the bills are and I suppose I have some pathetic hope that he will give me money for them without me asking.

I do agree totally that he needs to grow up, I never feel supported by him when it comes to his parents, we did try to front it up with them after the wedding because their behaviour had been particularly bad leading up to it, but MIL cried and FIL shouted at me until I cried, how dare we come to his house and say these things, did we think he ruined our wedding (yes) etc etc, but dh backed down and I ended up crying outside the house and being told by dh that I had to stop and go back in. And yes, at the minute I'm really wondering what I get from this relationship, he just keeps repeating this is what he wants to do for them and that I have to accept it, I know that I never will

i understand your desire for separate accounts in the circs. I thnk, though, you should also have a joint account to which you both transfer a fixed amount per month to cover joint expenditure like bills. If the money is genuinely spare after your DH has paid his share of expenses, I can see why he might want to use it to help out his parents rather than spending it on himself. However, he should be standing up for you. They sound awful. Not giving them money is one way to do that but not the only way.
And I agree it should not be regarded as a loan - i doubt it will come back.

Thank you for the opinions I really do appreciate it, we've had another 'chat' shall we say and hes agreed that he should stand up for me more and that by lending/giving them the money it's undermining our relationship to a point so he's going to tell them no. It's a bad situation all round really, neither me nor dh could win because of our vastly different points of view on it, they should never have asked us in the first place and I blame them entirely for all of this arguing and upset, I just want them out of our lives, their nasty attitudes and negativity take their tole, but hopefully they'll get the point this time that there have to be consequences to their actions. It just makes me very sad, I'm actually a nice person and so is dh and neither of us have any idea why they do these things, but I just want to move forward with our gorgeous ds and be the family that dh never had, thank you again, you really have helped x

If he is complaining about savings dwindling and his redundancy payout presumably was his savings then unless it is for something crucial his parents are taking the piss. If they have funded his college or given him monetary gifts in the past then fair enough. If not then it would need to be something essential and needed as opposed to replacing/marking up and something wanted.
You won't see the 5k again. This has happened to me btw and I knew that when the loan was given but circs v different. I was not personally subsidising my in-laws whereas it sounds as if you are.

You summed it up there, yes they take the piss, often, but thankfully the 200 mile distance helps! They haven't funded anything for him his whole life, MIL never even made him a birthday cake, ever, that's the type of people they are and his relationship with them is fuelled by a strange guilt for something and even dh can't explain why, thankfully today he told them no, although he didn't tell them the truth, he told them he'd applied for a loan and had been turned down, they won't feel bad about that one bit, thanks again, thankfully this round is over although I'm not stupid enough to believe it won't happen again!!!

I'm really sorry you and your DH are having to cope with the fallout from his trainwreck parents.

It's great that you live so far apart, at least you're spared the 'dropping in' scenario.

I like Abi's suggestion of a joint account for household and child-related essentials. That way, both of you are paying equally towards something you both absolutely agreed on and are sharing - your home and your son - and both of you have an amount of money, reflecting your own earnings, to choose to spend in any way you like.