2 commutes, one toddler

[missfliss]

Hi,
Hope someone can offer advice really.

Had an awful few years with my husband / employment and through no fault of his own he's been in and out of work since we had our DS ( nearly 3) and had 3 jobs with varying gaps of unemployment Inbetween. An inheritance kept us afloat financially on one occasion, a parental loan has kept us going this time.

He was laid off after 12 months in his last job at the start of October, and has finally been offered a new permanent role. He's been to lots of interviews, had 2 offers that fell through in that time, and honestly we have had a really tough time between us. In fact it's affected me so much that I have just returned to work after being signed off with stress since before christmas. He has had a good, solid offer this weekend. Nice company ( but small), decent pay. In London. 90 mins min each way.

We live on the south coast, just outside Brighton. I work 4 days per week in a fairly demanding job 30 miles away in a town west of here ( so the opposite direction to my husbands new role) We have a great childminder and I commute by train. I work at home one day per week.

Reluctant to give up my job ( we could probably just scrape by on husbands new salary) because it's stable, a good employer, and after all the insecurity of the past few years it just feels too risky for me to leave it.

We have no family near us, very alone really in that respect.

I'm so pleased my husband has work, but really anxious about both of us commuting in opposite directions and me doing a nearly FT job, plus all pick ups and drop offs responsibility too. His previous roles were either more coal or offered telecommuting. This one will be London 5 days per week.

Any tips? Is it a recipe for misery long term. Any ideas? Moving closer to my work would make my husbands work a 5-6 hour round trip btw.

Thanks

Au Pairs tend to stay for 12 months

We used to have similar; dh worked 45 mins in one direction, I worked 4 days a week an hours commute in the other direction.

We didn't do it long term, just under a year. It was difficult logistically, as we only had a car between us, so had to take it in turns to use it. Dd was in nursery v close to dh work, so he did drop offs and pick ups - some days I had the car I would pick them up from the station midway, some days I worked early and finished at lunchtime and dh started late so we would have frantic precision-timed car/dd handover at lunchtime.

At the time it didn't seem that difficult or complicated, now looking back I think "how on earth did we manage that?"

Give it a go, give yourselves a chance to get used to the routine, if it really isn't working for you, reassess at that point, but it might be easier than you think (or you might be so busy rushing around you don't have time to wonder if it is easy or not!)

I very much doubt we could afford a live in nanny. Childminder us approx £630 per month ( we shave a bit off for childcare vouchers at my work). I was under the impression that live in nannys would be a wage plus nag insurance as well as paid holidays. A lot more than childminder... I'd probably be paying a nanny more than my salary.

I will investigate au pairs though, but wonder of it's more of a likely option for wrap around school care rather than duplicating a childminder?

Thanks all for the suggestions, all of them are appreciated and I have some food for thought.

You can't (or you shouldn't) use an au pair for full-time care. I was thinking in addition to the childminder. To deal with drop-offs, pick-ups and the stuff in the house that you and DH are not going to have time to do.

Does your childminder offer half days? An au pair could have him on the day you work from home to cut costs at the childminders. If he's 3 in May, he will be entitled to his 15 hours free nursery from September, so maybe half-day nursery and then an au pair? Have you put his name down for a school?

I would look at an au pair also. But with. Childminder due to age and length of day. You could use the au pair 4 days a week to reduce the rush in the morning. Ie she starts at 7.30am when you leave, and drops to childminder at 9 so gets little one ready. She could then pick up at 4pm-6 when your home. You would save a few hours childminder payment a day so au pair shouldn't be much extra. They might be able to put little ones washing on/ tidy his toys etc to save you a little time

Could your dh work from home in a few months time I all goes well? So he only commutes 4 days a week instead of 5. Would still need childcare but he could drop 9-5pm instead of 7-7

Get a cleaner if poss, even if only 2/3 hours every 2 weeks. They can clean bathrooms/ kitchens properly

Very doable. We have 2 dc (6 and 3) and we've been through dh redundancy, dh commuting 2 hr each day, me travelling,,,and all this with no parents support nearby.

I would hang on to your lovely childminder till ds goes to school. When he goes to school, get an au pair, she can drop him off and pick him up. On some days she can get him to the local swimming pool or other activities he might be doing. You can continue your one day work from home and you will have your day off still. Whilst he's at school she can maybe help with some shopping or light chores like ironing, and tidying his room. And she can get the weekends off, or if you pay extra she can do a bit of evening babysitting.

We had an unofficial aupair once (family friend) and it was a good idea.

It's doable. Honest you grow to it.

Just few things to consider-

-you'll get free childcare hours from 1 September I think. Not sure if they apply to childminder but worth checking.
-legally you can make case to drop day and/or ask for flexible working eg home working. Up to employer to explain why not.
-consider arrangement for collecting when sick in advance and plan around this. When I had can't cancel meetings DP did not as Sod's law says that when baby would be ill!!!

Great that work is looking up.

Me and DH have managed though we share pick ups and drop offs.

Once he is there for a while he may be able to request flexible working, or working from home one day, or leaving early one day and catching up in the evening.

That's great, THANKYOU all very much.

I will look into au pairs. We will see how it goes to start with. For those who asked, my CM can accept free entitlement once he turns 3.

Even if we decide against au pairs for now, I will keep the idea on ice for when he's older /. School age.

I should probably mention that (ahem) my ex au pair has been my stepmum since I was 5....don't worry my mum also met someone new Despite that it wouldn't stop me getting one!

We will look to get a cleaner again fortnightly.

'I should probably mention that (ahem) my ex au pair has been my stepmum since I was 5....'

Yep.

She is lovely, and I wouldn't be without her.

My parents had a rocky marriage and my dad had a wandering eye. Still, they have been married now over 25 years and have three kids together.

My mum also remarried very successfully until she passed away in 1995.

I'm in a very similar situation , one 2 yr old, DH returning to work 90 mins away. I work 4 days a week 8 till 6. We had amazing CM who is now Nanny with her own child but we still drop him with her in the morning.
We renegotiated the drop off to 7 30 when needed. We set a gro clock for 6 45 to give grumpy toddler time to wake as he hates being rushed. If really short of time we drop him off in pyjamas with coat over them to save 15 mins. I bath and wash my hair the night before. I choose DS' s clothes and pack his bag. We leave coats, hats and shoes by the front door. I eat breakfast in the car. Handover with CM is now 30 seconds hello and goodbye.
Shopping is done on line and we have a strict family calendar which includes childcare plans.
You will cope it's very doable.I would also speak to CM and negotiate that on rare occasions you will pick up later . If agreed then you will feel less panicked knowing that you have contingency in place.

Thanks olympicsrock. It does sound like you are in a very similiar situation. Very comforting.

Do you ever unwind? Having just been signed off with stress ( first time ever) I don't take it lightly.

Do you do anything to relax with such a tight and rigorous schedule?

My evening bath while mumsnetting is my downtime. I.'ve only recently gone down to four days. Five days was too much particularly as DS is a Crap sleeper. I'm also trying g to destress a bit with a tiny bit of exercise as I've not have any time for myself recently. I batch cook and freeze any cooking , it's quick suppers only. I do manage a good few nights out though

Sorry to ask for even more tips, what are your batch cooking suggestions? We aren't fussy / no allergies / aren't vegetarian or vegan.

We're very basic round here. I do spag bol, lasagne, beef casserole sausage casserole and chicken casserole. Crumble topping freezes well too. Chicken and butternut squash and chorizo risotto.

Always have prawns and chicken in the freezer for pasta and curry too with ready made sauce and pestos
.

Doesn't sound that basic to me! Thanks very much