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Original poster

Ultimatum from partner

20 replies

Xena984 · 30/12/2013 23:42

I've been separated for three years, I have two amazing teenagers who live with me. Ex is volatile, lives with his elderly parents and has issues, not moving on with his life and I am still heavily reliant on him financially. I told him I was in a relationship in August, he reacted very badly with threats and some violence. I have been very careful to play down my new relationship to keep things smooth for my girls. My new partner is very much a part of my life, and my daughters, and they get on well, although his children don't talk to me at all. My new partner has now given me an ultimatum - that he meets my ex and things are more 'official' or he will leave me. I'm scared of losing what financial stability I have, and of the conflict that will follow, but I also don't want to lose my new partner. I think I know what I must do, but I'd really like to get the views of someone else please.

OP posts:

halestone · 31/12/2013 01:21

Ultimately only you can make this choice are you in Love with your new partner? Do you see him as a part of your future? If you do then whats he asked shouldn't be a problem. If it is a problem then maybe its time to finish with the relationship.

Also maybe its time to look at ways to become more financially independent. As if you don't your ex will always have a certain amount of control over you, and that can't be a good thing.

BitOfFunWithSanta · 31/12/2013 01:49

your ex still has to give you financial support for your children
what sort of a partner lays down that kind of ultimatum? Mine hasn't met my ex in eight years.

LineRunner · 31/12/2013 01:53

Why does he need to meet your Ex?

My OH will never meet my Ex. I am in a similar position, with two teenagers and receiving child support.

Also, why don't his children talk to you at all?

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Doinmummy · 31/12/2013 03:06

Why does he want to meet your ex? And why does he want to do so knowing how difficult this would make things for you? He should want to make things easier for you not make them worse.

Original poster

Xena984 · 31/12/2013 04:03

I did see him as part of my future. I told him right at the start I was tied to my ex, and would be for a while. My ex comes to my house fairly often, and we are on good terms. My partner is very jealous - he cannot stand his ex who cheated on him - and just doesn't want him to be in my life so much. There is not, and will meet be, anything between my ex and I.

OP posts:

Original poster

Xena984 · 31/12/2013 04:11

I am slowly taking steps to make myself financially independent. I lost my job two years ago and have got a much lower paid one, so it's taking a while.

I do lots for his children, and put a great deal of thought into their Christmas presents. They barely acknowledged them, and literally say a handful of words to me. He says it's just the way they are and not to worry about it. On the other hand, mine welcome him with open arms and are always friendly, talkative and
polite.

I think he wants to meet him to 'prove' he is top dog. He wants to make sure my ex knows he exists.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I sometimes feel very alone and sad, and you have all really helped me.

OP posts:

picklesrule · 31/12/2013 04:13

You should be financially supported by your ex while the children are still children. It is not healthy for your partner to be laying down ultimatums/threatening to leave you. This is not normal relationship behaviour.
Your relationship with your ex has nothing to do with his relationship with his ex, he needs to separate the two.

picklesrule · 31/12/2013 04:15

why do you feel alone and sad? It sounds a little like you are trying to create a relationship with your new partner/his kids that perhaps isn't there. Don't allow yourself to be treated badly for the idea of a relationship you are worth much more than that.

Original poster

Xena984 · 31/12/2013 04:57

My children are 17 and 19 so about to fly the nest. We are so close and get on so well, I'm in tears regularly when I think about how much I'll miss them. I do everything for them, I want to make their
lives as happy as possible so they stay here as long as possible, and also because I ended the relationship with their dad and I don't want them to miss out by only having one parent.

So because of their ages I'm relying on my ex's goodwill to help me out financially. If he stopped I'd have to sell the house.

I've had another relationship since my marriage ended. He was so gentle and sweet and kind, and had absolutely no desire to meet my ex at all. It ended because he lived some distance away and didn't drive, so it took me away from my children a lot.

My new partner has teenagers, so he understands that they come first, as his do for him. I really thought I'd found someone who I could be with for the rest of my life.

OP posts:

Cerisier · 31/12/2013 05:01

DP doesn't sound very nice OP. Have you met his ex and what is his relationship like with her?

His ultimatum is very strange. It is not necessary for him to meet exH and it is inappropriate for him to insist. To threaten to leave you over it is bizarre. Stand your ground.

Original poster

Xena984 · 31/12/2013 05:13

His relationship with his ex is strained. She cheated on him and left him with their two young children to start a family with someone else. He sees her when his children stay with her, but that's not so often now they are growing up. I used to work with her, and always found her friendly.

He's still carrying around a large dose of bitterness over their split. It was a messy separation and very acrimonious.

OP posts:

SmallBee · 31/12/2013 05:21

All I can't say is I don't feel as if anyone who gives you an ultimatum is someone you can have any sort of relationship with. How often will he do this once he realises he can always do it to get his way?

SmallBee · 31/12/2013 05:22

Sorry, all I CAN say!

picklesrule · 31/12/2013 05:59

you are definitely doing the right thing in trying to become financially independent. It must be a scary prospect to think of your children leaving home (caveat, mine are still babies I can only imagine) but perhaps the best thing for you and them would be to channel your energies into helping them become independent and finding yourself activities/friends/things you enjoy that will fill that gap.
Have to agree with Smallbee anyone willing to put that pressure on you particularly given your situation with your ex is not a good partner!

Cerisier · 31/12/2013 06:40

Mmmm he is sounding less and less like a long term partner. He is bitter and resentful. Perhaps he wants to muscle in on your pretty good relationship with your ex and spoil that in order to make himself feel better. I would now say don't let him anywhere near your ex for a long time.

Original poster

Xena984 · 31/12/2013 07:50

Thank you all very much for your advice. I can't believe there are so many people willing to help a stranger. You all sound as though you really care; it makes me want to cry. Although I have friends, they are all in settled relationships and financially secure and I feel like such a failure compared to them, I couldn't talk to them about anything like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Xena984 · 31/12/2013 07:50

OP posts:

Janethegirl · 31/12/2013 23:23

You aren't a failure. You're just in a difficult position and I personally would not let the pair of them meet because I don't think it's necessary or relevant. Your DP sounds a little bit like a control freak ( ok I may be being too judgemental!).
Go with your instinct please.

Original poster

Xena984 · 01/01/2014 07:35

You're not wrong, he is a control freak. I've seen it in other minor ways,although this is the first time it's had such an impact on me. You confirmed what I thought, so I will go with my gut feeling. Thank you.

OP posts:

sykadelic15 · 02/01/2014 01:02

Basically you're treating your DP as a dirty secret. You downplay your relationship with your DP to your ex to make your life simpler.

I don't think it's about meeting the ex to be "top dog". It's about being made to feel like he matters and isn't a secret. Which I totally understand.

All that said, he knows WHY you're keeping him a dirty secret, for financial reasons and honestly you aren't guaranteed any security from DP so ruining what you have needs to be for the best reasons.

Good luck with your decision.

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