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Original poster

Do we leave my MIL who is dying of cancer alone for Christmas?

100 replies

PTFsWife · 19/12/2013 15:12

My MIL will turn 86 on Christmas day. She has terminal cancer (mouth). My SIL recently moved to Portugal and the plan for Christmas was for MIL, my DH, me and kids to fly together to Portugal so that we could celebrate what is probably going to be her last Christmas and birthday together.

We are due to fly out on Sunday. Today MIL rang and said that she is full of cold and there is no way she can manage to go to Portugal. I think it is more than this. I think she is scared of travelling, scared something might go wrong while she is out there, doesn't want to eat in front of other people as it's messy due to the growth in her mouth, her mouth is hurting her more than she will admit, she can only eat soft things like soup/boiled egg and generally doesn't want to 'be a burden'.

So I said that we will then all stay behind so that she is not alone. She can come to our house and we will have a quiet Christmas together. Her house isn't really suitable for us all to go there. She can eat what she can manage and alone if she would prefer not to eat in front of us, but at least she will have company.

She insists that she would rather be on her own in her own home and that we MUST go to Portugal without her. She will be deeply upset if we cancel our holiday for her. (It would be a £1k loss on flights but that seems completely irrelevant at this point. The kids will be disappointed though as they had been looking forward to going).

I am utterly torn. I asked her straight up whether she would really prefer to be alone or whether she was just saying that as she didn't want to put anyone else out, and she swears she would rather just be on her own.

But how can we leave her to celebrate her (most likely) last Christmas on her own with a tin of soup?? But if we stay, we risk upsetting her/making her feel guilty that we're 'ruining' our Christmas by not going and it appears to be going against her wishes.

I don't know what to do. What would you do?

OP posts:

Statusupdate · 19/12/2013 16:30

How about those for a compromise - you spend the afternoon with MIL. Do what she can manage but give her some space as well? I agree it's your lady Christmas and you should stay but try to remember if she is feeling really awful she probably wants some space. Could you surprise her by getting SIL over here, or is that unworkable? Hope you get it sorted out.

Statusupdate · 19/12/2013 16:31

last not lady

cuggles · 19/12/2013 16:35

I had a similar situation with my nan a few years back. She was 88 and in that confused old lady but still coping at home ok ish phase of life. Anyway, my dad, her only child, and I had been invited to my sisters a few hours away and we decided we would have a day with her beforehand and then go to my sisters as "she doesnt know what day it is" (or that is how we justified it at the time). I was a much better granddaughter to her than I sound from that..doing all her laundry, visiting often, in the process of liaising with SS re: care but the bottom line is we went away! She then got ill and was hospitalised in the two days we were away and never left hospital again dying in the february. I have never forgiven myself, ever. I regret it hugely, I have lots of other Christmasses and she hasnt. I was unusually selfish (I like to think!) and the result was dreadful. I dont really know the answer but I do think you might regret it if you go, but whatever happens you wont regret it if you stay. All the best and I am sorry you are facing this.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 19/12/2013 16:36

Your MIL sounds lime a lovely woman and you sound like a really considerate DIL for you both.

I would say, stay. I can understand you MIL not wanting to travel. FIL had one last holiday with BIL and SIL, he had a terminal cancer diagnosis, and he really deteriorated while away despite being 'well' before he left, and just made it back before being admitted to hospital. He never came out, died a few weeks later

If you stay you can visit for short periods avoiding mealtimes and be there for your MIL and then she knows she has loved ones nearby but you aren't intruding too much.

lostdomain · 19/12/2013 16:42

Not read the thread, just your OP, but I'd stay, definitely. She's clearly worth more to you than £1k's worth of flights, thank goodness. The sister in Portugal should come to UK too.

Agree with posters who say you can often get insurance to cover loss of travel due to illness, though it may not extend to whole family. You could always write to the airlines anyway and ask if they would, out of goodness and seasonal spirit, allow you to rebook your family flights for this summer and go for a visit then instead.

Don't leave her alone at Christmas. Even the thought is heartbreaking.

everlong · 19/12/2013 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kundry · 19/12/2013 16:48

I'm going to against the grain here and say go. She is a grown adult with lots of life experience, she wants you to go. You've given her lots of chances to change her mind.

She can't control very much in her life now and she doesn't get much opportunity to be an adult or look after other people. Although you staying is very caring, it is also slightly treating her as a child or at best as someone who needs looking after.

She doesn't want to be looked after. She wants one small opportunity to look after you, by ensuring you go to Portugal without her.

My Dad did lots of stuff like this when he was dying, I found it very hard as I wanted to help but he wouldn't let me. Later I realised he was busy telling people how much I looked after him! He just wanted to be my dad and be in charge.

Make sure you have arrangements for calling or Skyping her everyday, if you can get a neighbour to pop in and have their contacts as well. But really this is probably one of the nicest things you could do for her.

Saminthemiddle · 19/12/2013 16:54

How long are you supposed to be going for? If it is less than five days or so then maybe consider going but more, then I would stay as you won't relax there and will be thinking of her all the time.

BackOnlyBriefly · 19/12/2013 17:00

Only the OP knows MIL well enough to judge, but if I'd said "no, you go" I'd have meant it.

I'd have thought the last thing I wanted was a crowd around me missing their holiday for me and asking me if I was ok every 5 minutes.

overthemill · 19/12/2013 17:06

I think you should stay but maybe just do a pop in on Xmas day itself but be around the rest of the holidays. How long has she been given, any idea? I just think you will all want to be around. When my mum was near the end I spent 2 weeks in and out of hospice so we had time together ditto my fil who died at home when my DH went every other day. I just think it's time which is too precious. Kids might be too much though- could they oh to Portugal as unaccompanied minors so you both have time with her but they get a holiday?

Carriemac · 19/12/2013 17:07

she's made her wishes clear and you should respect that. I'd go .

Kitttty · 19/12/2013 17:38

86, with terminal cancer - this could deteriorate rapidly at any point. How long are you going out to Portugal for - one week or two? Even without her cancer a bad cold could become a chest infection/pneumonia at this time of the year and wipe her out. Who is around to care for her day to day?

sunbathe · 19/12/2013 17:49

I'd go on holiday. You asked her outright, she said go.

If you stay, it might be more pressure on her to be jolly etc in front of the kids? She might want some quiet time alone.

Dh's mum had cancer, she still wanted us to go on holiday. My dad had cancer, he still wanted my brother to enjoy a rare holiday.

Original poster

PTFsWife · 20/12/2013 09:04

Decision made. We are changing our flights and going at Easter (probably without MIL). We are staying at home for Christmas. We will ask her if she wants to join us but she will probably say no. In which case we will go see her for an hour or so on Christmas morning and take her some nice soup and Christmas treats she can manage for her Christmas lunch, be with her when she opens her presents and then leave her to enjoy her Christmas lunch in privacy. I know she will still be upset that we are cancelling the trip now but we will just tell her that we'd prefer to go in April when it's warmer and we can stay longer.

So now I need to think about actually getting some Christmas food in!

Thanks for all the advice

OP posts:

LineRunner · 20/12/2013 09:11

Stay. You'll feel shit if you don't.

Try to rebook the flights if you can. And even if you can't, tell your mil that you did, so she feels ok about it.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 20/12/2013 09:13

Glad you've made a decision. Just make it clear that you aren't cancelling it for her benefit, you are cancelling it for yours and this seemed like a good compromise for all.

zipzap · 20/12/2013 10:23

I wonder if there's also an element for you mil of her knowing that it is her last christmas?

Especially if she has just read the doctor's letter and is reeling with seeing her prognosis in black and White; knowing that something is fatal must be horrible but when you start thinking that this is going to be my last Christmas/Easter etc then suddenly it turns into something other than a lovely normal Christmas.

I think your plans to change your visit dates are great; hope you have success in persuading the airline to change them for you for a reasonable fee!

Oh and tell mil you'll take her with you when you go at Easter when it's warmer, even if you both know that she won't be going it might give her a feeling that you'll all be going when the weather is nicer rather than you changing Christmas because of her iyswim.

soimpressed · 20/12/2013 10:27

Good decision. Hope you all enjoy Christmas.

edamsavestheday · 20/12/2013 10:31

I'm glad you are staying. Your plans are very thoughtful. Poor MIL, what a torment for her and all of you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/12/2013 10:38

Good decision OP.

I hope my sons marry someone as considerate and kind as you

SauceForTheGander · 20/12/2013 10:40

You've done the perfect thing. My grandmother didn't want to be a nuisance or a burden throughout her terminal cancer but quietly acknowledged it when I took no notice of her protestations and insisted we spent time with her. Be breezy and say with a wink "we're not doing this for you, we're doing it for us because we love you and want to be with you" . She would never let on that things were too much or how much pain she was in. But I know she needed to feel how much I loved her.

OP. - it will be an important Christmas and I hope you have a good day. You sound lovely.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/12/2013 10:47

I also think you've made the right decision. Although, I also understand why your MIL would want to be alone too.

You sound very kind & thoughtful. There will be many more Christmasses, Easters & holidays for you to enjoy & I'm sure that, when it comes down to it, your MIL will be touched that you stayed this year.

Both of my parents died of cancer, but neither were poorly enough by Christmas for us to know it was their last. It must be terribly painful to sit there, surrounded by everyone you love, trying to enjoy the day knowing that it will never happen again. I think I would probably try to 'opt out' in that situation too.

ShoeWhore · 20/12/2013 10:47

I think that's a really good decision OP.

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/12/2013 10:55

"Oh and tell mil you'll take her with you when you go at Easter when it's warmer, even if you both know that she won't be going it might give her a feeling that you'll all be going when the weather is nicer"

The only thing about doing this, is that IME very elderly people find travelling extremely stressful.

I think many 86 year olds in the full of their health would not particularly relish the thought of a trip to Portugal, never mind a woman who isn't well.

It could be, and you might know whether this could be the case OP, that she felt under pressure to go to see her daughter, but never really felt up to going.

I know that my Granny dreaded trips overseas to see her daughter as she got older, even if in the end she went and had a wonderful time.

So it might be better not to mention anything about her going to Portugal at all. It might just feel like something to worry about rather than something to look forward to iyswim.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 20/12/2013 10:57

And also, your MIL is lucky to have a family that loves her so much and wants to be near her at Christmas.

It must be a very sad time for all of you.

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