Asking someone to treat another person

[Laila362]

My partner and I came to his dad's birthday dinner as he had asked us to come. We could only just afford it but we went for his sake. His horrendous girlfriend sat down at the table and said 'when your dad isn't looking I'm going to ask for the bill and we'll split it between us I want to treat him on his birthday'. So then my partner was put in the awkward position where he felt he had to pick up the bill for the table which included her grown up children! If she has wanted to treat his father why not just pay for him and her children? We knew it was all for show as she never pays for anything and shamelessly pretended to forget her purse when the bill came. In the end my partners dad paid for everything as he always does. Is it just me that thinks this is appalling manners? She's generally bad mannered and a self absorbs person but this incident has really put me off her in another league and I'm wondering if I'm being fair.

If it were me is have simply said no sorry I can't afford to do that but my do is a bit shy and didn't feel able to say that so spend the entire evening panicking he would have to pick up half the tab and go into debt on his card. I was worried too. It ruined the evening

How weird. So what did she intend to happen? Agree with you to split the bill, 'forget' the purse, but then you were meant to step in to cover the whole bill, since it was a treat for your partner's dad?

Did she ask for the bill whilst your dad wasn't looking? Were you literally put in the position of 'pay this whole bill' and had to say you couldn't?

Definitely in another league - truly dreadful. I think in future you just need to say to her "I'm sorry, we can't afford to split the bill". She's playing on the fact you would feel embarrassed to say that, but of course there's no actual shame in not having the money to do so, it's just a fact. Stand your ground and she won't be able to manipulate you.

I still can't get my head round what the point of the whole ruse was if your partner's dad ended up paying anyway. Was it to make you look bad?

Yes I got stitched up like this recently and it's very annoying. It is not particularly unusual for people to club together and treat someone on their birthday. But not ok to put pressure on. So not sure if she was out of order. I guess your partner needed to firmly say no we can't afford to do that.

I have always minded when I am expected to pay for other people's adult children - the dear 20+ year old daughters and sons of friends and relatives. They had them, they brought them, they or ideally the free loading offspring, should pay.
If the aforementioned children are not adult then the parents should pay. Now that I have a DS myself I expect to pay for him myself. If we are out with other families with other children the same age I don't expect to have to split the bill in accordance with the number of families there - mine is just one child, don't see why I should have to pay part of the meals of the other families who have 3 or 4 kiddies.
I am a fairly generous person normally - the "oh no, I'll get it" one and who gives over generous presents to friend's kids and the cleaner's kids etc etc but I mind the assumption that I will pay.

Her intention was simply to look good. She knows she is stingy with money but tries to make it look like she isn't by declaring that she wants to treat him to a meal or buy him a drink etc. her intention was for everyone to believe she wanted to treat him but had genuinely forgot her purse. She would have then hoped my partner would pay for everyone at the table.

She is forever mentioning how she wants to treat my partners dad but never actually does it. She put my partner in a horrible position but luckily his dad paid for everyone as he wouldn't want his son who has not much money to pay. It just ruined the meal and I was genuinely scared of going into debt. On the other hand I feel sorry for my partners dad that he had to pay for everyone on his bday!

Maybe your DP could get into the habit of discussing who is paying when the arrangements are made to get together. I say something along the lines of a breezy Oh, can we agree who is paying what now so there is no confusion on the day It's a teeny bit embarrassing but a hundred times better than trying to work out who us paying after the meal.

It must have been a dreadful meal. I think next time I'd try and head her off at the pass by offering to do something for his dad that's in your price range, whether that's a picnic or a homecooked meal, and just resist being drawn into all this showmanship. It doesn't sound like his dad would mind, and he probably didn't mind paying on his birthday either (since presumably that was his expectation when he chose the restaurant). Either that or be completely upfront: dad, I know you like to go to fancy restaurants and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's out of our price range and I'd rather you didn't feel like you had to treat us. I think his dad would rather he was there, but if you are clear that it makes you feel uncomfortable always to have to be treated and would rather do something cheaper, he will understand.

However, that's not really the point - she deliberately tried to trip you up and cost you a shitload of cash you don't have, half of which would actually have been spent on her and her family. A nasty piece of work. Not so much an etiquette problem as a relationship one. Is she a permanent fixture in your dp's dad's life?

Thankfully my partners dad has pretty much said he only sees her as a companion rather than anything serious. He has bought a new house and refuses to allow her to stay overnight as he knows if he does he won't get rid of her as she hates paying rent (even though it's paid by HB mostly). He is just lonely since my dp's mother left him 2 yrs ago after 30 yrs of marriage