Help!! I need advice on my 8yr old daughter

[LissaS]

Hi, This is my first blog. I hope that my future threads will be happier than this one, on this fast approach to Christmas.

I have a beautiful, healthy 8yr old daughter who - described by her Head Teacher is one of the kindest and sweetest girls she's ever met. However lovely that is to hear, I am fully aware my daughter is no angel, and neither would I expect her to be however, I have noticed that most of the girls in her class isolate her, ignore her and are extremely rude to her, even in front of me. I am aware that my daughter plays with boys more than the girls but I know she would love to have girls to play with. I am friendly with the parents of these girls but not overly.

I know my daughter feels hurt by the tanunts of these girls to the point that she cries and advises the Teacher. Although these girls are told off for their unkind behaviour it still continues.

Here's my theory - My daughter is very pretty and extremely tall (her father being 6ft 5). She is head and shoulders taller that all the other children in her class and I fear that they are intimidated by her height. She is a very kind and thoughtful child but she also has her own mind and stands by it. She is of average level acadmemically and normally a happy child but I have noticed a change of late.

We have had these children over to our home to play many times but they all just end up arguing and is very rarely asked to other childrens homes.

Here's the twist - I actually work in a Primary School myself and am fully aware of how nasty children can be but it's difficult to see clearly when it is your own child. These girls in question are very unkind and this kind of behaviour would not be tolerated in my school.

I would welcome any honest, helpful points of view on this as I'm feeling really sad for my daughter at the moment.

Thank you for reading....

Merry Christmas

Lissa x

How hard for you....can I ask for you to elaborate on what you say is her being "no angel" and why they end up arguing? Is she bossy? It's hard to look honestly at your own child...but also important.

This may not be the solution you were seeking but...

Tell her to stick to the lads that she is friendly with and ignore the girls. It's entirely their loss, not her loss!

It's fun being the only girl in the group! No one will ever turn up in the same dress as you. No one will ever notice whether you are wearing make-up or not. No one will make catty comments about your weight. If anyone is mean to you, half a dozen lads will immediately have your back. You will always be considered the 'pretty' one, even if you haven't washed your hair. When you go out, you will be protected from being 'hit on' every two nanoseconds because your loyal mates will chase the randoms away. When you ask questions, you'll know you can take the answers at face value. I could go on... :)

I'm half serious and half joking but I do speak as a female who mostly had only male friends, when I was a child. I've made some female friends now that I'm a mom but, really, I no longer care whether my friends are male or female. My BFF is a bloke I've known since primary school. Okay, I didn't go to girlie sleepovers or hang out shopping all weekend or gossip about boyfriends or whatever it is that the girls were doing. I no longer care, at all. And neither should your daughter! x

I don't think that's great advice fcknits ...not being rude but the trouble will begin when the lads (and the girls) begin to change coming into years 5 and 6...at that age a division occurs....and they don't mix much at all...of course there are always exceptions...hopefully though, the OP can help her DD make friends of both sexes. OP have you thought about Brownies?

Fair enough, MrsUptight. I'm only offering my own experience. :)

At the end of the day, you can't force people to like you. If the girls don't like her daughter, then it's not like she can bribe them to be friends!

Btw, I was a Brownie. Didn't make any difference to my friendship circle.

Y5-6 is P6-7, so that's the end of primary school... Yes, things do change when you reach secondary school. The girls get even meaner and it switches to 'behind your back' instead of 'to your face'. Being nice and pretty apparently works as repellent to them. :/

FWIW, I really do wish the OP's daughter a better experience and all the female friends she could wish for. However, I don't think that being female is the only quality a good friend requires. If things don't change for her (and I hope they do) then I'd like her to know that it isn't the end of the world! :) x

My Dd joined Brownies aged 8 after some social trouble...it really helped her so much...I think the quality of the pack makes all the difference and we were lucky with ours...the leader is exceptional.

Maybe so. However, my hometown is small so there's not much change of scenery - or people.

If the OP wants to try an activity group with zero tolerance of bullying, taunting, ostracising or any negative behaviour, then I'd recommend the ATC (Air Training Corp). Mind you, I think minimum age is secondary school. Air cadets are highly disciplined and she should end up with some polite (female) acquaintance even if they aren't true friends.

At the end of the day, there is a difference between bullying and banter. The school (or activity group) can tackle the bullying side, if it's there, with punishments, etc. However, you can't stamp out banter and you can't make people like you against their will.

Engage the parents if you want to change the families? Kids are more likely to be polite - if not friendly - to the children of people that their parents like because (a) they end up seeing them a lot and are forced to 'socialise', sometimes in mutual boredom, and (b) their parents will be on them like a ton of bricks for being rude to their friend's child. Do coffee mornings. Chat on the school run. Bond. The effect will trickle down to the kids, even at older ages. For the OP's daughter, it won't be the same as having (those children as) friends but it will mean not dealing with rude comments.

Finally... maybe the OP should consider pulling her daughter out of that school?? She works in a different primary school, where the behaviour in question "would not be tolerated". Other alternatives: homeschool (opportunity to socialise further afield) or boarding school (pastoral care and support from the housemaster/mistress and a good 'buddy' system).

There's a whole world of options out there... it's impossible to give specific advice because it depends on the fine background details that we cannot see or know, over the internet. x

Yes ATC is excellent for girls who enjoy male company too...there will be girls but I agree the routine etc is great for them.

My daughter is the same as yours except for being tall and I have no advice to give except that mine isn't wanting female friends but marking with interest. Boys are far less complex and I don't think they drop girls just because they are yr 5/6

There has to be a reason why she has no friends .... Sorry to sound harsh, but you have to look closer. No amount of teacher/parent pressure is going to make people like her. One thing you do have to do, though, is to help her develop some resilience and self reliance so that she can be happy and confident with or without the "friendships" she ( or you) craves