Am I a selfish father? Partner left me and now expects me to act like we're together!

[BBY1]

Hi- need a bit of advice. My ex partner left me when she was 3 months pregnant as it turns out she never really wanted a baby with me. We now have a lovely child and my ex lives in her own place, supported financially by me. She is insisting I do night shifts by staying over at hers, always implying that I don't do enough for her. I work full time in London, with four hour commute every day. Every Friday evening I come home and cook meals for the rest of the week for the little one. Every Saturday and Sunday I take her for the day, often having to drive 30 mins to be at her home by 06.30 in the morning. The mum has suffered lots of sleep deprivation and is now insisting I do nights....but having to stay at hers. I have refused because we don't get on, she constantly tells me I don't do enough and I feel uncomfortable around her. Also this situation was her choice - she didn't even let me be around for the birth. I also do lots of other things to support, both financially and practically. Am I being unreasonable or selfish? People that know me say I do loads and I'm a great father - her friends are all shocked I haven't offered to do nights! I don't get it.

how old is baby

She is 10 months

It sounds to me like you're doing your fair share. Not many single mums have someone to stay over and do the night shift with a child of that age. Without knowing your exact circumstances it's difficult to say more, is she angling for 50/50 custody do you think? If she wants to be the main carer then she has to take the responsibility that entails, if she wants you to help more then you should be able to do that in your own home and not having to rush back early in the morning to suit your ex.

Can you sit down together (if necessary with a mediator) and work out a proper plan for sharing care?

Thanks. No she's not after 50/50 custody. She wants me to experience what she is going through. Don't think mediation is the answer. I just wanted to know whether I'm being fair or unreasonable. This was her choice and I know it must be tough for her but she can't be civil to me. I just hate feeling adequate when I'm trying my hardest.

Would you like your dd overnight on a Friday and Saturday? I don't see why that wouldn't be possible and then she would get a break

That would be ideal but her mum says she's not ready to stay away from home. Hence the request to stay at hers. Appreciate all your views though. X

Have you asked if you could have your child overnight? She obviously trusts you with your baby and it would give her the night off. You need to angle it as better for her rather than easier for you.

I think you're doing your fair share. One good thing that worked for me was getting someone else to look after the child for a couple of hours while you have a chat with your ex in a neutral place, like a cafe. Then you can hash out details like this without it becoming overly fractious.

I was happy for my child's father to have her overnight from around 9 months. Full weekends from about a year. Without siding with your ex too much because I know how difficult this must be for you too, she's probably hugely overwhelmed and feeling mother bear at the same time. Having been through all this and come out the other side - it will get better. Keep rising above it - I know it's hard.

These are all really helpful comments. Thank you everyone. She's my first and only child and want to be the best dad I can be but I don't want to be taken advantage of which is what it feels like x

Your baby is too young to be spending the night away from home and mom, even if she isn't breastfed. Mom is the primary carer and children crave their primary carer for every little upset. Plus, the very young are impossible to reason with. ("Mommy is 2 hours drive away and/or it is 3am but Daddy is here right now. Please let me put a plaster on your knee/wipe your nose/scare away the monster under your bed/re-heat your spaghetti." "NO! [I want] Mommy! Waaaahhh.")

However... it is unreasonable for you to be on 'night shift', at your daughter's home. You work full-time to provide for your daughter and you need your sleep to do that. A 4-hour commute must be back-breaking!! (I'd be horrified if I was your ex-partner; I'd worry that you'd fall asleep driving and crash the car.)

Of course, her mommy friends will all agree with her - they're all either going through the same thing or have been through it too! (Mine didn't sleep through till about 4 years old - each.) For the sake of your daughter, nod sympathetically and hold your tongue! Get some daddy friends and compare notes... your issues aren't unique to being a divorced or separated dad. ;)

Things will improve when your daughter starts sleeping through. The bad news is: that could be months... or years!! Hang in there. x

I am really touched at all the useful comments people have provided. Thanks everyone. It's made it easier understanding I'm not unique and also helped put my mind at rest that I'm doing ok at thus fatherhood thing. I wish me and the ex got on better but we are very different people. What makes it mire difficult is that she is a midwife so u can never suggest solutions! I'll sleep a bit better tonight having read your advice and comments x

I would explain to your ex that you are happy to have your dd overnight as soon as she thinks she is ready and perhaps you could start working towards that.