Desperate to have a baby - doing IVF - how to choose between donor or "friend"...

[sophiesiobhan]

My first mumsnet post - am a newbie.

My sister in law suggested I put this to the wise women of mumsnet.

I'm 41, single, straight but would ideally love to be in a relationship - that's not happening right now and my biological click is ticking.

I've just started IVF and have the option of using a "friend" as a co-parent - he would be on the birth certificate and have legal responsibility etc.

The other option is a sperm donor from a sperm bank in the US. My child would have the option of contacting him when he/she is 18.

Pros of using my friend: DC would have a dad; I would have moral support and possibly financial but he's not wealthy so that may not be the case.

Cons of using my friend: I don't know this guy that well - he has hope that we may become a family and has romantic feelings towards me so his hopes will most likely be shattered.

This is the main dilemma - donor vs friend.

Dilemma no. 2 is whether ot go ahead and try and get pregnant with this round o fIVF or... just freeze any embryos that I get from it.

That's the bare bones, happy to provide more details but didn't want to bore you all stupid in this post...!

Could really use some opinions...

It sounds like you have a lot of reservations about doing this with your friend. I think the donor sounds a more sensible option. It doesn't stop you having your friend in your life - and if he's a true friend he'll still be there for you.

I think the donor is better. Not your friend.

Do it properly so its all covered by hfea.

I donated eggs BTW, so know about egg harvest, good luck with it all :)

I don't have any direct personal experience of this situation but from what you've put I definitely would NOT go with the friend.

It sounds like a recipe for disaster. You've outlined your worries: 1. Tired 2.stressed financially.
You've already said that friend won't bring anything to the party financially so that's not going to help. He may make a difference to 1 but it may also be extremely stressful having to negotiate with someone else, particularly someone who you don't love or have any deep feelings for. Better perhaps to pay for a little outside help if possible? Once the baby arrives I think you will get a really good network of friends for support.

In my view, far better to be able to get on with life and make your own choices than constantly negotiating.

hi Sophie. I am single and currently pregnant after having ivf using a donor. I spent a lot of time comsidering the options and decided I wanted to avoid a situation of having different priorities/conflict with a coparent and the impact that would have on my child, and was concerned about the legal situation if the coparent wanted shared custody down the line. my potential coparents were not particularly friends though, and I have a few friends who are in difficult situations with their expartners which influenced my decision. its a personal decision. I am also lucky that I have lots of support from my family.
There is a thread in the conception area called Donor IUI. Its only been going a few weeks but is full of lovely people who are single parents by choice or wanting to become one. Drop in and say hi if you want.

Defo not tge friend!

Hi Sophie I'm hoping to try to become a single mother by choice next year through IUI (I have age on my side!) and my local hospital uses Xytex Sperm Bank in America.

Do come and join us in the Donor IUI thread as any one using a donor is welcome!

Thank you all for replying to my lovely SIL - I told her you would have helpful advice and opinions, you bunch of vipers, you.