lonely and need friends

[ColdFeetWarmHeart]

I'll try and keep this brief.

I have been feeling lonely for a while, but it kind of came to a head last week on my birthday, and I realised how down I am.

I have a happy home life. A wonderful husband that works hard, and a gorgeous 1yr old DD. I'm a SAHM at the moment, while I try and find a job that will fit in with our family life etc. I have no problems being at home all day, I love spending time with my daughter. But I have been getting lonely. With my husband working such long hours I don't even get to spend much time with him in the evenings. And if I want any kind of adult company in the evenings, my only option at the moment is my Mum. And for reasons that I won't go into (trying to keep it brief), I don't want to rely on my mum so much, and have quite so much contact.

Problem is, I have no friends really. And I'm not sure why. I have one friend, who is always there for me in terms of e-mailing or texting, if there is something wrong. We manage to meet up a few times a year for dinner or something. But there is no-one that I can just pick up the phone and call if I fancy a chat / need to vent / even just talk about the weather!!

How do you create a good friendship as an adult? I get on well with people that I meet, e.g. at mother and toddler group. But it never seems to extend to meeting up outside of these activities.

I had good friendships at school, but left before most of my year. It's kind of gone a bit downhill from there really. I've made friends over the years, but I always seem to "attract" (for want of a better word) people that are users (e.g. after a while they stop phoning to see if I want to come round for a cuppa tea and chat, and ask me round to babysit all the time instead!)

Why can't I make a good friend? Is there something wrong with me? I'm not a needy person or anything, especially not as an adult. I'm not looking to create friendships where I see someone every day and we're on the phone constantly etc. But it would be nice to meet up with a friend for lunch / have a long chat on the phone once a week or something along those lines. I love my family more than anything, but the thought of just having my husband, daughter and parents in my life for the next 60 years or so is quite depressing!!

Have you thought about joining a book group or exercise class?
Your local library will have details of evening classes you could join?

Do you go to mother & toddler groups? I made some good friends through that

Most of my friends are through work too so once you get a job that might help

I think sometimes its a case of asking another mum at baby and toddler group or other group if they fancied meeting for a coffee. If this does not come easily to you then practice a conversation you could bring up, such as ' don't our children play well together, if you every fancied bringing your child to my house so they can play together I know my child would love that...'. Chances are they will welcome the invite as most mums I know would do. Do you have neighbours with children? I put notes through my neighbours doors asking if they fancied coming round for coffee and they all said how much they wished they had done that sooner.

Have you thought about joining a choir? Most towns have a community choir and you don't have to be a good singer at all as they are more social groups than serious singers (or you could just mouth along or sing v v quietly if you feel self conscious). Also most meet one evening a week so not too full on but would get you regularly in contact with people and if its a social choir they nay do Christmas meals and drinks etc. Also choirs are often mostly female so a big batch of ladies should be there waiting to make friends! Good luck with it all though!

Just saw this and wanted to reply as I knew someone in this position.
Go to toddler groups , smile offer to help do teas etc. some will be friendly others not so.
When yr child is at school opportunity will open up I'm sure.
Something were you have to interact like a book group , a craft group? Singing group - then go pub after?
I used to do clothes swaps for charity and lots of friendships were made there as a side effect to the event ..join n c t ?

Your life won't remain the same for the next 60 years. You are at a very insular stage. My eldest is now 17 and I remember feeling absolutely isolated in the first few months. But as your child gets older then so does your involvement with the outside world grow. I remember that my lifeline was a group of other first-time mums whom I met at ante-natal class and we met every Wednesday at someone's house. I literally lived for those Wednesdays. One of those mums became a very dear friend. She now lives in California and is Godmother to my third DC and when I need to speak to her we can Skype or email.

The best friendships take a long time to cultivate. So don't expect to find a friend immediately you join a group. Keep going regularly to one or two things a week like the mum and toddler group you are doing. If there is someone there who you feel you have a rapport with then ask her if she would like to come round later in the week for coffee, or sandwich lunch, or would she like to meet at the local park at some point with the littlies? That is the way friendships develop - one person makes an effort and takes a step that goes beyond what you have been doing up until now.

Perhaps you could ask at the group whether anyone is interested in starting a book club and see if that can get going. That would keep a couple of evenings each 'term' busy. Book groups can be great fun with the right people.

Certainly when your DD starts school (believe me it will happen soon enough) you will find yourself surrounded by other children and other mothers. Before that it is nursery (have you looked at local nurseries as that will come round soon enough too) and there will be chances to get involved, be on a rota to help, or run cake sales to raise funds alongside other mums, who may well become good friends.

Good luck OP

I suspect that I am only confirming what has been said.

I had that problem, but I attend a sing song at the local library. It's for 40 minutes. Once I was a familer face, I got asked if I wanted to join a group of people having a drink after the singing. Obviously I accepted. It's a case of building on from there.

The difficulty for me is that I am a single father. I wanted to invite people out, but didn't want to send the wrong message.

The advantage of being in a group is that there was (for me) less chance of me being perceived as looking for a girlfriend (or otherwise).

In addition to the sing song. I also go to the local children's centre and a parent toddler group (arranged by a church). One of the church members took me "under their wing" and introduced me to the group, then asked 2 of the parents to "be my friend" for the first few attendances (like what some schools do when a new person arrives). You talk to your allocated friends, they talk to their friends and soon enough you are part of the group.

How do you meet new people when u have a primary school age child who is too old to be collected from school, when you work by yourself mon-fri and you are a single parent with no one to look after your dc?