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Original poster

aaaarrgh! give me my crying baby back!!

22 replies

squinney · 20/10/2013 08:29

My dd is 7 months old and possibly going through seperation anxiety. My MIL came round for dinner last night. While MIL was having cuddles with dd, dd would inevitably start crying and reach for me. Instead of handing her back she would walk away into another room trying to console her. I couldn't bear it! I had to use all my strength not to go in there and rescue my dd.
What do you do? Do you sit on your hands and bite your tongue, or do you rescue your LO?

OP posts:

TheSkiingGardener · 20/10/2013 08:31

Of course you take the child back! I think the old way of dealing with it was to let them cry as they had to get used to being away from you. Now we understand more about separation anxiety we know that's a load of bull. Reclaim your child!

cupcake78 · 20/10/2013 08:34

I have this and yes you retrieve your baby!

If this is tricky just go and hold hands out to baby and say something along the lines of come to mummy!

Riddo · 20/10/2013 08:34

What skiing said. mil will have to cope.

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WhoKnowsWhereTheBonnetsGo · 20/10/2013 08:35

Go in and comfort her with your MIL still there. My two are 9 and 7 (years not months) and I still get that pull if one is upset and DH is comforting them in another room, I just can't stay away, even if DH is doing all the right things.

FamiliesShareGerms · 20/10/2013 08:35

Understand that MiL almost certainly is doing this out of the best intentions: to give you a break; to help DD "learn" about being apart from you; to distract her so she settles again... But if DD is really unhappy, find a tactful way of saying to MiL that she needsto be back with you.

WhoKnowsWhereTheBonnetsGo · 20/10/2013 08:36

I like your nickname OP, are you from Hampshire?

pumpkinkitty · 20/10/2013 08:37

My FIL did this, coiled with the phrase 'we'll cure this silliness'.

I tried leaving it a could of times, in the end he would have to hand her back (to my DH who then gave her to me) after she wouldn't 'stop the silliness'. After that I would just go over and take her off home without saying anything and comfort her.

I also made a point at other times they were around if telling them that not comforting her during deprecation anxiety would just make it worse I have no idea if that's true but it worked

BerstieSpotts · 20/10/2013 08:38

It's possibly the time of day too. Maybe say to MIL that she's being a bit fussy in the evenings and it's better to meet up in the daytime, or if she does come over in the evening, not to expect too much from DD.

tumbletumble · 20/10/2013 08:38

I agree MIL is trying to be nice. Tbh I found it a bit frustrating when my MIL was holding the baby and would immediately pass him back to me at the smallest whimper! But of course you are the one who decides if you want to cuddle your baby.

Original poster

squinney · 20/10/2013 08:52

Thanks everyone. I agree with having the visits during the daytime, we all agreed at the end of the evening that would be better.
She was certainly in no way malicious , all though her conversation the whole night did revolve around how dd and dd's dad look identical, can't see any of me , haha!!
I don't think she realises how it physically hurts me to hear her cry , I must be strong. Just hate confrontation.

WhoKnowsWhereTheBonnetsGo haha, no , I'm in Australia ! Please tell me the reference to Hampshire :)

OP posts:

ClementineKelandra · 20/10/2013 08:56

Squinney, whereabouts in Australia are you? Are you British? Only ask because my sister lives in Oz and knows of lots support groups for expats and baby groups etc

yummymumtobe · 20/10/2013 09:01

Hmm, I feel for your mother in law here. I think she is trying to be helpful and also it is nice of her to try and calm the baby rather than just hand baby back? Lots of people are happy to cuddle happy or sleeping babies but as soon as they make a noise it's back to mummy to sort out! I have always been happy to let others try to soothe my dcs as I want them to feel secure with dh, dgp etc, not be the case that only mummy will do. Not so good for the ego, but more healthy for dcs as then they don't fall apart when I leave the room!

yummymumtobe · 20/10/2013 09:03

Ps, both dc exclusively breastfed(no expressing or anything) so attached to me most of the time anyway!

Original poster

squinney · 20/10/2013 09:15

ClementineKelandra slightly shy of English, my parents emigrated when my mum was pregnant with me. Older 3 siblings born in England though. I'm in Hobart, Tasmania..... small population , so fingers crossed :)

yummymumtobe see, I agree with you. I would love my dd to be able to go with other people happily, in practice I just find it so hard! Everyone says I need to toughen up, so maybe I should :)

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 20/10/2013 09:22

Just take your baby back. He is crying because he wants his mum. Not letting him is cruel, especially when he can hear your voice. It will make him worse, not better!

My mil used to do this, but as my milk came down the instant ds or dd started crying she had to give them back! Plus dh used to get really annoyed with her- there is no benefit to a making a baby cry. Mil used to be determined to make him/ her stop herself, what with her being a baby expert in her own head. She also tried to get the dc to call her mummy.

WhoKnowsWhereTheBonnetsGo · 20/10/2013 09:33

It's a word I've only ever heard in the part of Hampshire I grew up in, it means strop or bad temper. So, someone might be having a squinny, or squinnying if they are in a bad mood, temper etc. Only hear it occasionally now, makes me feel nostalgic. . Sorry for derailing your thread!

Original poster

squinney · 20/10/2013 10:45

haha, not at all, that's so funny! My cat's name is Squinney , he's an old man, so it suits him well :)

OP posts:

Original poster

squinney · 20/10/2013 10:56

bloody hell lavenderhoney, trying to make your dc call her "mummy" is hardcore!

So, for those mums who always took their crying babies back, in hindsight, do you wish you had left them to cry? Do you think their seperation anxiety increased because they were never left to cry it out? Or is it the other way round?

OP posts:

tumbletumble · 20/10/2013 11:17

I don't think you should leave her to cry deliberately to prevent separation anxiety - I don't think that would work, especially as young as 7 months. I think what some posters are suggesting is that you let MIL try to comfort her for a few minutes - cuddling and bouncing etc - rather than handing her straight back to you. MIL may prefer to walk away and do this in a different room rather than with you watching. If the crying continues and DD is getting distressed, of course she should be handed back to you. But that shouldn't prevent you trying again next time.

Lavenderhoney · 20/10/2013 12:36

It's the only way your baby has of telling you he wants you. He can't walk, talk, even sit up really. So he cries. 7 months is very young to be worried about whether he has separation anxiety. I should say not, he just wants, very naturally, his mum.

If he is withheld from you and removed from the room, he may cry more and then not want to go to anyone as you can't be trusted not to come back.

Your mil is not his mum. However much she loves him, he wants you. He won't transfer his affections to her instantly like that. If he can go back to you whenever he feels scared or just wants you- then he will feel more able to go to others when feeling confident and wanting to be held by someone else.

Original poster

squinney · 20/10/2013 14:07

I really want dd to feel comfortable with others. There's just so much conflicting information out there and people from different generations believe different things.
I know Mil wants to spend time with dd, but I would rather it happened incrementally.
I wish there was a definitive guide to raising children, I feel rather clueless. My head and heart always seem to be at war

OP posts:

LouiseD29 · 29/10/2013 19:14

Just a personal perspective here - a friend had a baby who, at a similar age, was going through the same thing. I discovered that if I distracted the baby and she couldn't see her mummy while I held her, then she was fine and enjoyed herself with me. As soon as she saw her again she started crying and reaching out to her. Could you MIL be trying this tactic? I realise all babies are different - just a thought.

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