Cut ties with MIL and PIL?

[Ilovemytwins]

Hi everyone. Please be gentle this is something that is bothering me lots and my first WWYD.

Long story short, I have always had s rocky relationship with DHs family. I hate the way they treat my husband and me compared to his sister, BIL and two boys. They can do no wrong. I can't go into it all because this post would be so long. We have twin girls who barely get a look in, they pestered to babysit one after noon and within 2 hours ny MIL txt to say how unhappy the girls were, my fil makes comments about me being a sahm and often comments on our weight etc. They nagged at me to learn to drive and still speak to me like I am a little girl. I am a lot younger than dh,sil and bil. But its still no excuse.

My dh commented the other day that he was upset by all the pictures of his sister and bil/nephews in his mum and dads house. Our pics aren't really up and if we are it has his sister in it somewhere. So I encouraged him to speak to his mum. She fobbed him off saying that his sister had printed them for her.

I am looking after there plants at the mo as they are on holiday, went to do the house plants in their bedroom and they have 4 A4 professional photographs of his sister in their bedroom, they are in the spare room and all over the front room. I hadn't really noticed till now. Only 1 picture of our wedding but they are both on it!!! So I started thinking, the other week she showed me our wedding album of random pics they had. Well there were more of his sister than us on our wedding day :(!!!! And at the back were a few from our twins christening, all again involved his sister or the boys. Its giving me a complex, are we not as good some how.

I just don't get how a mother can be like this when she has two children. I couldn't have 4 pictures of one if my twins up and not the other? Its really upset my DH. And she knows he is upset, but hasn't done anything about it. I want to write her a letter just saying I think its best if me and the girl's don't see them again because its quite obvious we aren't as thought of as sil. And let my husband choose what he wants to do. They are so negative towards us and its really getting us down.

Please help, sorry its so long. Thankyou. Xxx

[Tortington]

the letter will only cause bad feeling - what will the outcome be? think about it - it can't possibly end well.

you have to seperate your relationship with them with your dh's. you could speak to MIL but you can't speak on behalf of your dh - that would be wrong.

just don't see them, be unavailalbe all the time - i mean all the time.

only you are makng these people important.

my inlaws are the same. favour the youngest brother. turned up on xmas day with prezzies for 2 out of my 3 kids - who the fuck does that?

[MNPlovesthesunshine]

I wouldn't write a letter or even mention it but I would make very sure I was unavailable for any get togethers or to do holiday favours which wouldn't be reciprocated.

[HeySoulSister]

You'd try to stop your kids seeing their grandparents over this? Seriously?

[Ilovemytwins]

Thankyou for the replies. Tortington, thats awful!! Your poor children. I will make myself unavailable now. The only reason I agreed to do it was in the hope that they would like us a bit more. Sad I know. Like I said in my post I could.go on and on, we have been together 13 years so there are lots of other things I could have mentioned. I tried to keep it brief. Buti can see now that the letter is not a good idea. I may just approach her, but how?? Xxx

[fuzzywuzzy]

If you want to cut ties, why not just let the relationship peter out, no big confrontations or letters or whatever, stop being available to do their chores for them and dont bother visiting.

How does your husband feel about this?

[Ilovemytwins]

He is upset that his parents are like this. He feels second best. But he doesn't really know what to do about it. And if anything would be done about it. I will do as suggested and just let stuff fizzle out. Then if they ever question why we don't see them etc we could explain then.

[Alanna1]

Why don't you start giving pictures of you all as presents? :)

[Ilovemytwins]

Thankyou Alanna1 I will do that! !! What a great idea. Xxx

[mamas12]

Defo have some beautiful photos done with just the twins and all 4 of you, frame them and leave in the house for them
Then you need to update these photos all the time keep sending them some when dcs lose their teeth, perform in a play, run a race, etc etc
You can easily just slide back into just communicating with them through the medium of photos of you all

[pumpkinsweetie]

I and dc have cut ties with pil, but there was a lot to it, i'm not so sure i would cut ties for those reasons alone. Is there any other things they do or say that make you want to stop seeing them?

Could the sister have sent them the photos herself?

[pumpkinsweetie]

Fwiw i wouldn't send the letter if you are cutting ties, i would gradually cut down contact so there is none at all.

[Ilovemytwins]

Mamas12 brilliant idea!!! Will do it :)

Pumpkinsweetie, its just everything really. I got bribed to loose weight before our wedding for money. And have been nagged ever since to loose weight. I am a 18/20. But they will never accept me how I am. I get comments about me being a SAHM like its the easiest thing in the world to have twins at home. They don't aee them unless it's at their house, I asked his mum to come bath do tea etc but she doesn't. But yet they had the time to bother with them when they were newborn. It really gets to me. It took us such a long time to get babies (ivf) and when I was pregnant they wanted at least one girl. Well they got two, who they can't be bothered with now they are bigger and walking getting up to stuff etc. Makws me so sad. And I don't want the girls to be brought up feeling second best to the boys. Or hearing negative things about weight etc. I was bullied all my life and I will not have them being brought up to think that weight is the be all and end all. I am terrified that they will be as self conscious as me and have low self esteem. :(

[Hopelass]

Aw OP I really feel for you; not quite the same for me but very close. I'm currently expecting mine and DH's first baby. PIL and DH's brother, SIL (also pg with 2nd DC) and their DS live within 5 mins of each other and we live about 1 hour away. They are always in each other's pockets and all MIL does (not FIL, he is much better and can't stand SIL) is go on about them. They also have pics all over the house of them and not one of us!!
I also get disparaging comments from MIL. She called me fat the other dayand said I should stop eating - I'm 7 months pregnant ffs!!

Now SIL is pg again, my pregnancy has faded into the background and is no longer important......It has taken quite a few talks with DH and some tears but he has eventually agreed and seen what it happening and slowly but surely we have distanced ourselves. Instead of being available every other week to see PIL we are very often "busy" and currently only see them once a month which is much more manageable; I'd be even happier with every 6 weeks!!! And after our next visit when I'll be 34 weeks I will be refusing to go to theirs at all until after baby is born. They can make the effort to come to us if they want to see us.

Sorry for the long post just wanted you to know I understand and as others have said distancing yourselves is the best way forward. Good luck!!

[Mummyoftheyear]

Give pictures as presents. Say: " I know how much you love having pictures of the family around your home.".
Be unavailable - unless your twins would benefit. Be unavailable to help much (just a little / to match amount of help you get from them). Smile and kill with kindness ... when something inappropriate / rude is directed at you/ DH, retort (smiling but with straight talking tone): "That's not a very nice thing to say." / "I'm not sure that that's a very nice thing to say." Repeat yourself if challenged, move on and ignore. Rise above it.
My parents favour and look up to my high achieving brother. It does hurt but shows my parents' shallow values and their own need to create a mask.

[Ilovemytwins]

Hoplass, congratulations on your pregnancy! ! Thankyou for your reply, I am so sorry your going through what you are. Concentrate on the beautiful baby growing inside you :) its amazing how much babies love there mummies. My mil hasn't seen the girls for nearly a month after being on hol. But yet has seen the boy's. Makes me so bloody mad for my girls. Your plan sounds good, your baby your rules. Do what's best for you and you family. Xxxx Mummyoftheyear thankyou for the advice I really appreciate it, its so hard. But I guess by rising above it that will make us the better people! Its horrible for anyone in this situation. Thankyou again. Xxxx

[Mummyoftheyear]

You could be honest with them and say that you're sure that they don't favour certain grandchildren but you're concerned that the girls may, at some point, interpret the little time their grandparents spend with them as disinterest.
Would be a brave move. If the relationship is already crap and you've mastered the rise above it technique, with plenty of repetitions of "That's not very nice.", you could work up to it. Maybe.
Xx

[chillisbopper]

Can I ask do your in laws phone you/text? Because if it's you making all of the effort then it would be quite easy to stop talking to them without a confrontation as you could say you were busy so not had chance to call?

I have a lot of problems with my inlaws, I could type for hours and hours but I won't bore you lol, but basically they ignore me now, I text the other day (we have a group message thing between DH, MIL, FIL and myself which THEY started!) they ignored it but later at almost midnight when they thought DH would be home from work text addressing him solely and I had him reply and they were all up for a chat! They only ever phone on his day off work so literally never speak to me even though I am pregnant with their only grandchild and I have been unwell with the pregnancy and we live one hour from them but 250 miles from my family and I have nobody here, DH works long hours so when I'm unwell with it I'm alone. So you can be damned sure when DS is born in November I'm going to be very unavailable!

So the point of that rant lol is that if it's only you making effort with your inlaws you could stop, then if they make effort (without being degrading towards you!) then you could try and build bridges?? Your husband can make his own decision on what to do, he can phone or whatever, my DH talks to his parents every week on his day off work, I've always encouraged DH to have a good relationship with them (even when they've made it impossible!) so I leave him to it.

With regards to the photos you could try giving them framed ones as gifts, but I can understand why you are angry about it... I gave my inlaws loads, some of DH with me but mostly just nice ones of DH on his own (because I know they don't like me anyway). DH is their only child and they didn't put up a single one that I gave them already framed!! Yet they have photos of their niece (DHs cousin), unfortunately she died really young but that's no excuse to not have photos of THEIR ONLY child...they don't even have a single one of our wedding photos even printed out in an album! It took until June this year when DH and I had some professionals done, I emailed them them and they printed out one of DH and one of DH and I together and framed them and put them out, I have to say I was shocked lol!

[Ilovemytwins]

Hi Chillisbopper,

Thankyou for your reply! I completely understand your post. It is me that makes the effort. So I think it would be best to just stop. They never txt me or ring me. Well his dad rang me once, and was so horrible I cried!! I never come between my DH and them, they are his family. But if my girls keep getting treated as second best I will have to say something.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am sorry you have been un well and that they aren't helping you! I don't blame you for being unavailable when your baby is born!

I am going to give photos as gifts from now on. It really gets too me! I can't believe your inlaws didn't have any up of their only son, that is shocking.

I could go on forever about what goes on!! No christening present for them, but for the boys, the girls are too hard work to have, they have the boys all the time, visit the boys, never come here!!! Aggghhhhh.

Sorry to rant, hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well. Xx