WWYD - he's lying to me

[Flossbert]

I discovered a text conversation between DH and a (what turned out to be) ex-colleague. I didn't know who she was. The text messages were entirely innocent-sounding (spouses and children mentioned, for example) but I was a bit uneasy because DH hadn't mentioned this person, hadn't mentioned the fact that he was in contact with her, hadn't mentioned the fact that he was going to try and meet up with her whilst he was visiting her home town on a stag do.

So I asked him about her and he told me he thought there was no need to mention it because it was all so innocent. I said I could see from the texts that I had seen that it looked innocent but what made me suspicious was the fact he hadn't said anything. So communication channels were open, the opportunity was there to tell whatever innocent story there was to tell, and he told me he last spoke to her a year and a half ago. I've just seen more texts showing that in fact they didn't just speak or text, they met up a year ago. I absolutely don't think anything is going on, but the fact that he lied and lied again is making me extremely suspicious.

Other texts I have seen indicate that he was doing coke on this stag weekend and went to a house party, neither of which fill me with joy but the fact that he hasn't mentioned them make me suspicious.

I don't know what to do. He had the opportunity to tell me stuff and didn't. Do I confront him, and alert him to the fact that I snooped, or wait and see if i can gather anything else?

Honestly?

Texting and meeting old female friends - fine, no problems.

Not mentioning text conversations with old female friend - not an issue, I don't tell my dh everyone I text, nor do I expect him to tell me.

Arranging to meet old friend (of either gender) going to do it with no mention, then no mention on return - would make me very suspicious and would piss me off a bit.

Taking drugs - he would be out the door, no question.

I guess the first thing you need to ask yourself is do you want to make it work with him?

I do want to make it work, but not at the expense of being played for a fool.

He was very hazy about how he spent Friday night last weekend (while away on the stag) and from what I can tell on his texts he was at a very swanky house party. He is easily impressed by swankiness, so I can think of only one reason why he wouldn't mention it.

But if I confront him, he'll be much more careful with his texts in future. Should I hold back from asking him about it and risk closing my only way of finding out these lies? I don't want to be a snooper ??

I think the texting and meeting an old friend is less of a concern than the drug taking IMO

Men and Women can be friends without sexual connotations and just because you are in a relationship/marriage does not mean that you have to tell the other person EVERYTHING. I regularly see/speak to friends without mentioning it to my DP and I don't expect him to tell me about every conversation/meet up he has with his friends. We had lives before we got together and we have a fantastic life together as well as separately now we are a couple. You either trust he isn't up to anything or there is little point continuing your relationship imo.

The drug taking - now that I would have a massive problem with. Apart from the fact its illegal you have no idea if he was snorting it or injecting so that leaves him and by default you open to all sorts of nastiness not least HIV. Under the influence of it he will have had little control and i suspect little memory of events which perhaps accounts for his vagueness about the events of the Friday?! Which means he could have done anything with anyone and again leaves you both open to all sorts of unthinkable diseases - and this is where i would focus your argument.

If you push the friend thing you risk looking like an overbearing, insecure madwoman in his eyes but the drugs thing you can justify his actions have massive potential implications for you!!

Tbh, the old friend thing didn't / doesn't bother me, it was the secretiveness. We do tend to tell each other the boring minutiae of our lives, although I understand that not everyone does, and that was what triggered my suspicions.

Anyway, he's admitted to doing coke. It's not ok, but at least he's admitted it. We've had a conversation about risky behaviour and his responsibilities. I'm confident we won't have any more nonsense.

(Famous last words.....)

Glad u have talked and I hope he mends his way.

As for secretiveness of the friend thing, it prob never occurs to him that it might bother you and he prob forgot he hadn't mentioned the previous meeting. I am a bugger for thinking I have told dp something only to realise months later that I either didn't or he didn't register it. Try not to fret too much about it unless it continues to happen

Are you really ok with living with someone who lies and takes drugs?

Ha ha ha are you suggesting I LTB, LEM? Thank you for your concern but yes I am OK living with a lying junkie.

(NB this is in no way an accurate summation of DH or our life together)

If he lies and takes drugs then yes its not funny its your life he is a liar id not be able to live with that

May I introduce you to www.chumplady.com

Read the articles under the heading 'Cheating Decoded'. You may perhaps recognise your DH in one of the articles. You may also recognise yourself and ask if this is really the way you want to live your life.

And go and get an std test.