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Original poster

WWYD to help friend in difficult situation

7 replies

babyhmummy01 · 27/06/2013 11:34

At the risk of outing myself I am asking for help as my head and heart are in conflict.

My friend is a few years younger than me with a 2yo DD, her BF is a few years older than me and has 4 kids (inc friends DD), his eldest took an overdose a couple of days ago for the second time in a few months -CAMHS etc all involved. However, BF decided that drinking a full bottle of vodka and then taking an overdose and slitting his wrists 3 times would teach his eldest DD just how it feels to be on the receiving end of her behaviour. How the hell he didn't wind up under a 72 hour protection order is beyond me, but 12 hours later he is released from hospital and is all very blasé about the whole event. This all occurred on my friend's birthday which was even more upsetting for her and as a result I volunteered to have her DD for her so she could spend the day at the hospital with DSD and BF.

There is a long history of her and BF being on/off because of his drinking, verbal abuse and generally being a twunt. I really don't like him but he is friends BF so I am polite and friendly when he is about. I have never bad mouthed him to her or to anyone other than my DP but I am really worried for her and her DD.

When I dropped her DD home last night she said she didn't want to see daddy or be near him, she just wanted mummy which I was a little concerned at but thought ok she spends most of her time with mummy its fairly natural but the more I think about it and learn from my friend the more I think this guy is really toxic. She is outwardly happy but there is something under the surface that she is hiding and I don't want to push too hard as she is going through enough right now.

Obviously SS are now involved as they need to be sure all 4 kids are safe etc, and I have tried to be supportive etc but I really don't know what to do for the best. Do I tell my friend that her BF is toxic and suggest she reconsiders taking him back (they split up for a few weeks last month) or do I shut my trap and just pick the pieces up later??

OP posts:
MarinaIvy · 27/06/2013 11:45

Your loyalty is to your friend and her DD - they should be safe and happy, and clearly they're not.

It's tough because you don't want to specifically say "leave the bastard", but you do want to make sure your friend knows that you're there for her.

Keep on with the being supportive thing. Definitely mention that her DD didn't want to see him (because it's true, for a start). Don't push her to leave him, but - well, think of it like this - if she was on Mumsnet, what would you be saying to her? We're always being lambasted for just being people on keyboards, you're right there in RL.

Good luck! For both you and Friend (and DD).

Original poster
babyhmummy01 · 27/06/2013 11:51

thanks marina - that is exactly my issue, my heart is saying I should be telling her to LTB but my head is saying she needs to come to that conclusion on her own.

As for if she was an MNetter, I guess I would be telling her to carefully consider her options and what is best for the welfare of DD. I was very restrained when they split up and never said a word other than 'you need to do what is right for you'. Her family hate the BF with a passion, her mum especially according to friend so I don't wanna end up saying something that will make her feel like she can't confide in me iyswim

OP posts:
MarinaIvy · 27/06/2013 13:41

Wow, I can't believe we're the only ones on this thread. I honestly thought my reply (inadequate) was going to just be the place-filler until wiser heads arrived.

MarinaIvy · 27/06/2013 13:44

I don't wanna end up saying something that will make her feel like she can't confide in me iyswim

So, why not say something like that? Complete to-the-core honesty? Including that you'd like to help and don't want to pressure her, like she may feel some others are.

Original poster
babyhmummy01 · 27/06/2013 14:22

Haha I expected more too tbh. Shoulda posted in aibu lol. But I do appreciate your posts. I dunno how well I can do honest without sounding like a bitch

OP posts:
MarinaIvy · 27/06/2013 16:55

Well, make that part of your spiel as well.

"Friend, I'm really concerned for you, and your lovely DD. I want to talk to you, but don't want to impose or anything..."

Allow her to say yes or no

"I can see that you're not having a good time now, and I've tried to keep an open mind about BF, but I just don't think he's what you deserve."

I get that she doesn't like her whole family "hating" him, but there might be some element of "oh, they don't know him as well as I do", and general resentment for somebody to make "snap decisions", but the judgment you've formed of him has been from a lot more observation, if I'm reading right, and this recent event, as well as DD's actual wishes, gives you a better reason to talk to her than they might have had. I think she'll understand this about you and your hope to help.

Did that make sense? Not ay my most coherent today... (No, not drunk!)

Original poster
babyhmummy01 · 27/06/2013 17:21

haha perfect sense, thanks. I think I might let the dust settle a little and then try talking to her.

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